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Not sure what to do anymore and havent got anyone to talk to

(18 Posts)
HeadSpace1 Wed 15-Mar-17 21:48:12

for various reaons too long to explain i feel like ive wasted the last 10 years of my life,

everything is spirling out of contol,

im stuck in a tiny rural town with no frineds or support just me kids and hubby for his farm job,

we are massively strugling financially already and recently found out
we have to pay another $150 a month for childsupport for hubbys mistake that we dont have,

theres no work here for me so im stuck working milking cows every 2nd weekend and i hate it as i have an alergy to the dust/ cow dander and make me feel like crap for days everytime i work

i hate everything about life at the moment and i can enjoy anything anymore

i think we made the worst decision moving out here and i feel sorry for putting my kids in this situation but we are stuck because we can only just afford the baisics let alone to move towns again and cant get anymore finance cos we are already up to our eyeballs in it.

this was suposed to be our big break but everything has just turned to shit

i cant find or see anyway out of this hole and im starting to struggle getting out of bed everyday because of it

QuiteLikely5 Wed 15-Mar-17 21:51:39

If nothing changes nothing changes.

You need to make a plan to at least save to rent elsewhere - in a different town/city.

Once you have rent money or deposit saved up and decide on a location then you need to be patient and look for job opportunities there.

You need hope but to give yourself that you need a goal.

PollyGasson24 Wed 15-Mar-17 22:26:32

Sorry to hear your decision to move isn't working out. What made you decide to move there? We recently moved for better long term family prospects, and it's been hard at times. DH has found it easiest I think, as he had work and the associated social aspects. The kids really struggled at first (which really upset me when they were upset), but seem a bit happier now, although they don't yet have friends out of school. I seem to have found it more difficult as I don't really get chance to meet anyone and just spend my days doing house/kid stuff. Haven't found any evening things to go to and an exercise class was a dead loss friend wise. No job. So I understand how understand you feel.

The only things I can think of in the immediate future are to find something you enjoy and can do in the day like a hobby, or let yourself sit down and read/watch TV/go for a walk for an hour or less a day. It will help you be a bit more positive. Then start making a plan. Can you put aside even a few $ a week? (You're not in rural oz, are you?) If you are struggling financially is there anyone you can go see about benefits? I assume your hubby's 'mistake' was a recent child with someone else as you are now just starting child support. Has he explained and come clean with you over this? Because I suspect this will also be affecting your thoughts

HeadSpace1 Thu 16-Mar-17 00:19:22

thanks for the reply, we are in rural New Zealand. we moved here because it was suposed to be a great training opportunity for my husband but 3 months in his new boss changed the terms and (we had nothing in wiritng to confirm what he originally offered) and decided hubby would have to take annual leave or unpaid time off and pay to travel 3 hours one way to get there every 2 weeks at our cost not his like was originally talked about being paid for the days, so that quickly went out the window as we would not be able to afford that.

the mistake of hubbys happend when we were first together but he didnt find out about the kid untill it was early 5 and by that time we had two of our own together, he done a DNA test proving it was his and by then i think it was about 6. we were forced into contact by his parents and sister but for vaious reasons it didnt work out, he has to pay child support ofcorse but because he got a payrise with this new job he has to pay more even tho we are no better off in the hand every fourtnight,
im trying to fight it but loosing due to a technicality with some paperwork from last finacial year. and we cant afford a lawyer to take it to court, im trying to apply myself without a lawyer but i dont know how seriously it will be taken

his whole payrise gets eaten up by the fact he has to provide a farm mototbike for his job and we pay finance on that and we have personal loan with massive repayments that they wont refinance again. that and on paper is looks like he earns 10g more than he gets because of the way farm contracts work with the provided housing

we are so streched as it is (because of some stupid financial mistakes hubby made a few years ago) but this has jsut sent me over the edge as i run all the finances and everything to do with the kids and house because hubby does such long hours.

FairytalesAreBullshit Thu 16-Mar-17 05:32:16

Is there anything you can do, look at your situation, see if you can save money. In one way whilst it seems crap now, your children get a life in a rural location and opportunities they wouldn't get in a city, that's worth its weight in gold to me.

It appears you were mis-sold the job if that makes sense, plus the fact that you pay out maintenance.

If possible go to the GP, tell them how you are feeling, maybe you have a touch of depression. Maybe you don't an it's just circumstantial.

Jaagojaago Thu 16-Mar-17 06:16:20

I am very sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope you find a resolution soon. flowers

You say "he didnt find out about the kid untill it was early 5"

A child isn't an "it" though. He is the child's dad, and therefore he needs to support the child. Fighting it means what, exactly?

Wellitwouldbenice Thu 16-Mar-17 06:24:39

Your husband seems to make a lot of big mistakes. Can he be trusted in the future or is this going to keep happening?

sandgrown Thu 16-Mar-17 06:30:17

Not sure how NZ child support works but surely you can ask them to look at your circumstances again? Child support is usually a priority debt though. Can you access any free online courses to learn something new? Can you do things like online surveys etc to earn small amounts of money/vouchers. Are there any local WI /baby type groups that you could get involved with? If you make local friends you might hear about work opportunities. Keep in touch with old friends on the internet so you have someone to "talk" to. Good Luck. Hope things improve.

AliciaMayEmory Thu 16-Mar-17 06:33:33

the mistake of hubbys happend when we were first together but he didnt find out about the kid untill it was early 5 and by that time we had two of our own together, he done a DNA test proving it was his and by then i think it was about 6.

I get that you are hurting and I'm sorry about that, but what a despicable​ way to speak about a child.

Squills Thu 16-Mar-17 08:15:41

Do you have any family? Would it be possible to stay with them until you've saved enough to move elsewhere?

Jaagojaago Thu 16-Mar-17 19:09:28

I'm frankly shocked that other posters except one aren't even noticing the blatant use of IT for a child over and again.

FairytalesAreBullshit Thu 16-Mar-17 22:08:54

I did notice that, maybe it's OP's way of dealing with the child. Not ideal but you don't kick people when they're down.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 16-Mar-17 22:29:43

It is fairly shocking though to read 'husband's mistake' and 'it' over and over. And he doesn't even have contact

He sounds like a dick, and op not much better

Poor kid

FritzDonovan Fri 17-Mar-17 06:14:31

Or maybe, Costa, OP didn't want to divulge whether the child was male or female. What would you suggest she used as an alternative?

Mcchickenbb41 Fri 17-Mar-17 08:57:34

Quite If nothing changes nothing changes. *
Think that's one of the best sayings I've ever heard.* So bloody true.

HicDraconis Fri 17-Mar-17 17:41:42

The word "it" was used twice, that's hardly over and over. In this context - financial disaster, suddenly having to find extra money you simply don't have, from an OP that sounds close to the edge, I would let it slide.

Where in rural NZ are you? PM me if you don't want to post it - I'm in South Island. Rural NZ is difficult to move to for a variety of reasons. The neighbours are either kms away, or the town is full of people who have been there for generations and don't always welcome newcomers. Social networks even with kids are difficult to make so you can feel very lonely and isolated. The scenery is gorgeous but you can't eat it!

Food here is pretty cheap if you go for very basic stuff (nothing processed, that's all imported & expensive) and don't have a cheese habit (that's expensive too). Can you look there for some savings? Bin Inn sell cheap lentils, rice, etc; tons of protein in sprouting lentils and if you mix them with cheap tinned tomatoes, a stock cube and some herbs the children will never know it's not beef mince. $150 a month is a lot to find on a farm hand income through modifying food budget alone, though.

Can you generate extra income without milking cows? Lots of people here seem to need cleaners! May not have the allergy issues that milking does.

Finally. It's not all bad. Rural NZ is a fantastic lifestyle to bring children up in, the rural schools are generally great, there's a "run around outside and play in all weathers" attitude which the children thrive on.

Do pm me your location though - a good friend of mine is a rural nurse and a farmers wife and may be able to help with support networks if you're anywhere near.

HeadSpace1 Sat 18-Mar-17 20:48:14

We tried to have s relationship with the child but it didnt work out because of the mother putting stuff in the childs head about us and the refusal of the child to follow our house rules and general manners. There is no chance of any relationship ever happening now or in the future and that's just how it is.

HeadSpace1 Sat 18-Mar-17 20:51:11

Have tried fighting the child support system but didn't get anywhere the whole nz system is screwed up tgey really fobt care if you don't have enough to live on. It also doesn't help that the mother dont get off her lazy ass and work but sits on a benifit so the money goes to the government not the kid anyway

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