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Feeling like I need to cut myself off

(6 Posts)
Holdbacktheriver Mon 13-Mar-17 20:31:04

We moved house half was across the country in November. It was something we have been trying to do for a really long time. Moved from a large city to lovely rural village. DC are thriving at their new school and enjoying village life, taking full advantage of it now the weather is starting to improve.

The move was always to improve quality of life for the DC, which it has and they are all very happy. I am however completely miserable. I can feel I'm losing my friends as my texts and phone calls are all so depressing (I'm sure the distance doesn't help but we have been back to visit and are lucky enough to have a house big enough to host so have had friends to stay) and I'm finding it near impossible to make new ones.

I'm really struggling to find a job in our new area so I'm currently a SAHM which DH would like me to continue as I have so much more time for the DC, and evenings and weekends are much less hectic. He's right it's lovely and we can afford it but I feel so isolated. I went to Tesco last week and I think I just about bored the poor woman at the till to death.

I just feel like I shouldn't bother contacting my friends anymore or exchange more than a hello with neighbours etc as I'm just not nice to be around. I feel I'm dragging everyone down. I can see the benefits and I know the move was the right thing but I am utterly miserable. I'm just a dark cloud ruining everyone's day at the moment and I think until I've snapped out of it it might be best I keep myself to myself. our village is lovely and no one has said anything but I really feel that my face just doesn't fit and I think I'll need to get used to being a loner.

Sorry this is a massive load of waffle but I feel better for just having written it down. It would be an absolute bonus if anyone has any advice on how I can stop being such an ungrateful miserable cow

Astro55 Mon 13-Mar-17 23:29:36

Well you need to put yourself out there -

Start with PTA or offer to help read in school - volunteer at a charity shop - look at befriending the elderly

Any college coarses nearby? Even a cooking class to help mix?

Invite kids friends over to play to meet mums?

What you are feeling is very deep homesickness -

The easy way of people poppinvbjn - the rush of being busy - to what? Long dark nights?

The winter is always hardest! It get bette rebut thebhomesickness doesn't go away

Jinsky Tue 14-Mar-17 10:23:35

I am in a similar situation - we moved in August last year and I am struggling to feel settled here. The children are 18 and 16 so no baby groups/school runs to meet other parents.
I have made one friend here and have some acquaintances but I really miss my circle of friends from where we lived before and miss having people around who I have known for ages - just feel amputated and close to tears a lot!
I dread people asking how I have settled here as I don't want to depress them with the truth and start crying. Feel a bit pathetic really . I try to get out and about and initiate contact and i know it takes time to build up a new social life but that doesn't make it any easier.
Not helpful, I know but I do sympathise.

StorminaBcup Tue 14-Mar-17 10:28:27

How are you adjusting to being a SAHM? It's quite a big change to go from being surrounded by friends and colleagues to not having any of it. Can you do something while the dc are in school? Learn something new, volunteer, take up a sport? It's hard making new friends as an adult and it takes a lot of effort but it can be easier if you meet them doing something you enjoy. I think cutting yourself off is the wrong way to go as you risk resenting all of the things that you moved for.

Holdbacktheriver Tue 14-Mar-17 11:18:10

Thank you all for replying. Sorry to hear to are feeling the same jinksy sad

I had hoped it was a bit of seasonal depression but the weather is starting to improve and I'm out a lot with the dog and DC but I'm just not feeling any better sad

I have tried to get involved with the PTA at the new school but while not rude it's quite clear they don't need anyone new so I've stepped back and stopped trying to find out when the meetings are. At the couple that I did attend I got the impression that people thought I was there to step on toes/take their roles so I don't really have anyone I can even say hello to/chat about the weather with at the gate anymore. So that plan back fired massively.

I have joined the gym in the nearest town and have been going to yoga at the village hall and taking youngest DC (2) to toddler group and soft play but while everyone is polite, they all already have their friends so I often end up at the back on my own after trying to talk but feeling in the way.

I think the going from being constantly busy and surrounded by people to a SAHM is having the biggest impact. I love the opportunity I've got now and we are hoping to ttc again (though I've delayed it with how down I feel) and if we were lucky enough to have another I'd have the opportunity to be home with them and just enjoy them a bit longer, which is something I didn't get with my other DC. But I am feeling so cut off and miserable. I'm finding the lack of adult contact really hard and I'm aware I'm jabbering away to anyone that actually starts talking to me ... and scaring them off! There is a college in the nearest town so I'm going to look into some evening courses. I may not make any friends but using my brain a bit might help.

I just feel so sad to have left all my lovely friends behind. I've even removed myself from social media as i was just getting too upset looking at all the lovely things my friends are doing and I can't be there with them. I know that sounds pathetic but my head is in a pretty pathetic place right now.

The silly thing is the area we have left isn't where I feel is my home. I moved there when I was 12 and as much as I didn't like the area at all I had some lovely friends and I have never felt isolated like this before.

StorminaBcup Tue 14-Mar-17 19:18:12

It's so hard going from being surrounded by grown ups to channeling all of the your energy into your children (I've found anyway), and it sounds like your confidence has taken a bit of a bashing too.

Try and build up your self esteem first, do something you enjoy and that your good at. Plenty of fresh air, bit of gardening with the dc perhaps (soil has antidepressant qualities of research is to be believed!) and then take stock. Can you arrange a night out with your old friends?

flowers

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