Horse or a baby or both?

[Noxypoxy]

Hi, I hope this is posted under the right topic.
This is going to be a bit long winded though so the essences is,
should I get a horse or a baby? Or both at kinda the same time?

The background is I moved to Wales about a year a go, I have a full time job where I do 12h shifts (about 3 a week on average). Me and my husband is renting but plan is to buy house and then a car. We are both 30, so we feel like if we want to have a kid we need to start trying, but I want a horse also. I have always wanted a horse, I've done everything from part loans to full loans so I know horses are time consuming. But at the same time I feel like a horse doesn't visit you at the nursing home and I potentially could get one when the kids get older. But at the same time I feel like I dont want to postpone it any longer.

So what do I do? Get horse and start trying for a baby?
Post phone getting a horse or a baby?
Sorry it seems like such a trivial thing but it is constantly spinning around in my head and making me go loopy!

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Tricky one!

Practical things like money would be my first thought...buying a house, a car, a horse and then having a baby are 4 extremely expensive things, only you know if you can afford it all.

Practically you shouldn't ride if you're pregnant so who will? Getting back in the saddle post birth is totally down to you and how you feel! Will you have time though if you're going back to work at some point? Again only you know your situation of childcare, help at home etc, just don't underestimate how knackering and what time vampires babies are!

[Wolfiefan]

I wouldn’t take on a new horseback then immediately try for a baby. How will you manage to ride with a newborn and later a toddler?
You don’t yet have your own home or car. Horses eat money. Wait until you have the money spare.

[BecauseReasons]

Baby. I didn't have any time for my cat when I had my baby, let alone a horse! (We did keep the cat, she just had very little attention for the first year or so).

[Noxypoxy]

We do have money, thats not the issue, the issue is more along the line of time. Because I know kids take an awful lot of time. At the same time I have friends who have had horses and babies at the same time. My friend got told by her midwife that she could ride all the way through pregnancy as long as she felt safe.

Since I recently moved here we have waited for my credit score to rise so we can buy a house. And without a horse I have very little reason to have a car, as I can get everywhere with public transport and sneakers.

[Wolfiefan]

The thing is a new horse is an unknown. Riding the horse you’ve ridden daily for 5 years isn’t the same. What if you get a Bolter or one prone to bucking? Would you need to have lessons?
TBH if you don’t have time now working 36 hours a week then you won’t have time when you have a horse. Or a baby. I wouldn’t aim for both.

[MsChatterbox]

I would do baby first as this has a time limit in terms of fertility. Then horse when kids are a little older. I know someone that has a horse and baby at the same time but she had had the horse years.

[Noxypoxy]

I do have time now, but we are looking at a house right now so Id prefer to get that seal and dealed now, I have more time than I need right now in a way.

True I could get a bolter or something that is prone to bucking. I know people who fall of their horses theyve owned for several years.

I would like to have lessons cause I enjoy advancing, but I dont think I presay need to have lessons if that make sense.

[user163578742]

Any kids you have might not visit you in a nursing home either. For any number of reasons.

[Wolfiefan]

I mean you would need to have lessons when taking on a new horse?
I don’t think you really understand how much time a child and/or a horse that you have sole responsibility for takes up. There’s a reason people sell horses or look for sharers sometimes when they have kids.

[Noxypoxy]

Well When Ive had part or full loans I have not had lessons on them and it has been fine. I have had full loans so I do now that a horse is a lot of responsibilities. Obviously I havent had a kid either. And I have moved countries a year ago and liveries and daycare work diffrently, though liveries and horses are cheaper here from what Ive seen.

I appreciate yout comments Wolfiefan and I am not trying to be obstructive its just that I am struggling internally, and figuring out what to do isnt easy.

[puppymouse]

I got a full loan when DD was just under 2. I used to rely on DH heavily to look after her while I was at the yard and when I did take her I took some risks e.g. leading while pushing pushchair etc. The loan horse was 25 so an old hand and very safe but I wouldn't recommend it.

Bought my own 8 months later and juggled DD around the yard with DH's help. I don't have a running round shouting causing mayhem type of child thank goodness but it's exhausting. I had my DHorse on DIY walking distance from home and used to have to wake DD before she needed to be up so I could take her with me as DH leaves early. She would sit in the car watching programmes while I mucked out. Then she refused to do that and insisted on getting out. I had to be really fierce with her about keeping her distance so she wouldn't get hurt and it was a lot to juggle.

I should say this was all at very friendly non-competition yards. I know many who ban kids completely for insurance reasons.

I guess the long and short of it is if you have money to throw at it and a supportive family and/or DH it's possible but not for the faint hearted!

[kateybeth79]

As a PP has already said, I didn't even have the time or energy for my cat! It sounds awful but as soon as the baby came along, the cat just became a pain in the neck (and she's an easy cat!) Babies and small children just seem to consume every part of you, there is no room for anything or anyone else. Of course that's just my experience.

[maxelly]

I think the way to think of it is, to have both a horse and a baby you are going to have to both fund, and perhaps more difficult emotionally, accept, lots of help with both horse and baby. I am talking on the level of paid childcare much earlier than usual while you are on mat. leave, leaving baby with parents/your partner regularly and probably paying for full livery for horse, schooling livery if you want to compete. You'll need to prepare yourself for things like giving baby a bottle when you might want to exclusively breastfeed (and all the attendant issues with that) so someone else can feed baby while you ride, and paying for someone else to school/exercise your horse for you at least some of the time while baby is very young. It's easier if you are more of a happy hacker than competition type as you can look for the kind of horse who is happy to be chucked out in the field and not ridden a few days a week and perhaps roughed off and not ridden much at all over winter. I wouldn't count on riding throughout pregnancy either, some can do it but I'd say most are just too uncomfortable and/or don't want to run the risk by 6 months and for 12 weeks or so after birth, so that's probably at least half a year you'll 'lose' with horse. And understandably lots of people feel what is the point in having a horse at all if they can't be the one doing most of the care/fun times (and actually perhaps same could be said for having a baby lol!)

I do hate how much of themselves women are expected to willingly sacrifice for years on end when they have a baby, career, social life, hobbies etc. so I would never say don't do it, but like people on here have said, many women, even perhaps the majority, do feel at least a bit different physically and/or emotionally after baby arrives so it's perhaps not great to have too fixed plans. If you were prepared to long term loan out or sell the horse if it all gets a bit much once baby arrives, that could be a plan B - so long as you don't mind taking a potential loss on the purchase price? Or otherwise probably the sensible answer is give it a few years - not talking until baby is 18 and leaving home or anything, it all gets noticeably easier IMO once they are ready for pre-school or nursery and are less dependent on you all the time...

[hattyhatshats]

Could you get a loan? That would give you some time to settle into the area and work out the yard/area you like and give you some time whilst you work out how it would work with work and potentially with children.

Everyone I know who has horse and child has found it really challenging and they're constantly frustrated. But they had the horse before and didn't want to give it up.

[fluffysocksgoodbookwine]

I wouldn't buy a horse if you're planning a baby in the next couple of years. It's hard to appreciate beforehand just how much having a baby/ young child changes everything about your life, and just how hard it is to get out of the house with them!

Some small children would be happy to sit quietly and play whilst you see to the horse, but most wouldn't, especially once they're mobile (any time from 6 months old), as most won't just sit happily in a buggy, they want to be out and moving around, exploring their environment.

Also, you don't know how your body will cope with pregnancy. I was adamant before I became pregnant that I would continue to run regularly and exercise daily throughout pregnancy. My body had other ideas, and I couldn't manage more than a brisk walk from about 3 months in, despite being very fit beforehand. I would have really struggled with yard duties, and wouldn't have been able to ride, and that was a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy.

I would suggest getting a part-loan for now, so that you can get to know the area from a horsey perspective, find out about different yards, build yourself a network of horsey people. Also with a part loan, if you need to give it up once you're pregnant, or if things become too much once you've had the baby, you can just give notice, rather than have to worry about selling/ rehoming/ loaning the horse.

Once your youngest child is ready for regular nursery (from about age 3), if you're still keen, you could look at getting your own horse, as long as your DH is ready to step up and parent for much of the time at the weekend, and you can get cover for your working days. Remember also that as children get older they develop hobbies and interests of their own, which take up time and money outside of school. My son loves riding, but isn't bothered enough about general horse care to have a pony of his own, and wants to do other things too. I spend a chunk of my evenings and weekends taking him to his other sporting activities, which is part of parenting, but wouldn't leave much time for daily yard duties.

For me, even with a 10yr old DS and a part-time (but long hours like yours) job, I decided that it was better to part-loan, rather than spend lots of family money on a horse (therefore limiting DS's hobbies and family holidays), then have to pay livery, or find someone reliable to part-loan my horse to cover my working days and half of the weekend. That said, I'm more of a happy hacker than anything, so not bothered about competing.

My horse's owner has two young children, one primary aged and one pre-school. By the time I got involved, she hadn't ridden in two years, since becoming pregnant with second baby, so horse had been turned away, apart from a friend of hers riding occasionally. She's had DHorse for years and didn't want to sell her, but horse wasn't happy just being in the field. She's happy and thriving now being ridden three times a week, and the owner will be able to start riding again once her little one starts nursery this year.

Apparently it's very difficult to find a reliable and experienced part-loaner, so it should be fairly easy to find something, but this tends to happen best by word of mouth, if you have any contacts locally who could put the word out? I have seen competition horses part-loaned before, with the loaner and owner splitting the competing weekends between them, if that' more your thing.

[Noxypoxy]

Since there are no horse people at my job I have decided to go to a riding school to get some contacts and feelers out, I am looking at the part loan advertisement but haven’t found much.

If I post phone buying a horse until after I’ve had a baby how long is reasonable to wait (I now it’s individual but still). Is aiming to buy a horse when baby is 3 reasonable?

I had a full loan before leaving my last country.

[fluffysocksgoodbookwine]

Difficult to advise, as it depends on your financial situation, your support network, your partner, and your child.

I think most people would aim to wait at least until your youngest child is going to nursery school/ gets free childcare hours (aged 3 or 4), as before then childcare is very expensive, and therefore tends only to be used to cover working outside of the home, so parents tend to have little child-free time before this point. Age 3 or thereabouts sounds reasonable as a starting point, as long as you are able to be flexible about this as needed.
Riding school sounds like a good place to start. I found my part-loan on Preloved website, but not many people will be advertising in January. It might pick up a bit come the spring.

[leckford]

Horse, baby will be a pain

[Megan2018]

I got my horse at 30 and baby at 40. Definitely the best way around!

[GothMummy]

I have had horses all my life and was well used to the work, routine etc and kept going during pregnancy etc but it was so damn hard when the kids were babies, I don't know how I coped really with working 5 days a week and two horses and two small children. Looking back it was madness but I had the horses before the kids so could not part with them. Now it's lovely and my teenager is breaking in our young cob and the youngest has her own pony and it's all good.

[Peoplearemiserable]

If you definitely want children I’d have the baby first then the horse after. You’ll be in a routine with your child (they consume so much time and energy! Then you can decide if you have the time/money/energy to have a horse. I’ve had DS who will be 2 in May. When he’s 3/4years old and doing more hours at nursery I’ll be getting myself a horse.

[LaPufalina]

Baby and then reevaluate.
As a PP said, your body can take a bashing. I had bad SPD with my second and had to have a golf buggy to drive me from the car park at work! I've got a loan horse now with two small kids but it's a constant negotiation with DH with getting riding in (he hates horses though!)

[themamaequestrian1]

Hi All,

For anyone interested in talking to other mums who ride or are returning after a baby, there's a good group especially for you on Facebook www.facebook.com/groups/546632132159556/?ref=bookmarks

Feel free to join and share your concerns, goals, experiences or anything hose related. We have just started a mentoring programme to support other mums too.

[Lemonpink88]

Hi there,
Personally I managed 2 horses with my first baby. I exclusively breastfed so did have some help from a sharer couple of days a week & mucked out/rode between feeds when he was small.
Expecting second baby now & my first is will only be 18 months, Iv accepted that this time I won’t manage & I want to have days where we don’t have to leave the house so both are going out on loan.
I’d say it’s easier to do small children & horses not at the same time, but you live just once & it’s achievable. I didn’t want to lose myself solely to motherhood & it’s been great first time round for my emotional well-being. All the best!

[Asdf12345]

Ask which you want more and do that one first then consider if you have time/energy/money to add the other.