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AIBU in this situation?

(9 Posts)
HorseMum91 Thu 19-Sep-19 09:59:19

Horse is currently on field livery at a yard where all poo picking and field maintenance is included in the price.
The yard has great facilities and we've generally been quite happy there for the past 4 years.

The yard however, like most places, does have its negatives which have, over the last 6 months or so become more of an issue for me.

The 'rules' seem to be getting more and more daft, although depending on how much you spend on additional extras (such as lessons, or schooling) seems to have a direct correlation as to how strictly the daft rules are enforced on you.

Hay is put in the field over the winter months at an addition cost, however, once a bale has been finished, they're very lax about replacing it, leaving the horses hungry and agitated with each other, especially around the gate. Then one the new bale has been put in, the more dominant horses won't allow any of the others around the bale. (there are 6 horses around one round bale in my field currently)

I'm digressing slightly, but the crux is that myself and a friend at the yard have decided to leave. We've found a lovely local yard where we have our own field (5 acres) for our two horses. The difference being is that we now have to poo pick and maintain the field ourselves. But this is preferable over the thought of trying to get my horse out of a field with 6 hungry horses pushing at the gate, in the dark over winter whilst heavily pregnant.

I'm currently 5 months pregnant and my friend said she was willing to help once I start waddling around over the winter and once the baby is born. This was offered by her, I didn't ask.

The general set up is that we will help out with each others horses as they are both easy to do and it makes no difference when either of us are there, whether we're doing one or two - other than when I'm too big to move, or just had the baby, obviously.

However, she's just informed me that her and her husband are looking to book a holiday in Feb - when the baby is due - so when I'm likely to need her help the most.

I certainly don't begrudge her having a holiday, but I do feel a bit peeved that she'd offered to help over this time especially, and now its likely she wont be here. I can get care for my horse sorted by my (non-horsey) husband, but I do feel a bit loathed to help with hers during this time when I feel so left in the lurch.
My husband whist not scared of horses, is not a fan. So will happily help with mine, considering I'm growing his baby(!) but I know he wont be up for caring for someone elses horse.

AIBU here? I probably am, as I know the world does not revolve around me being pregnant and it's not as if she's told me at the last minute, but I still cant help feeling narked.

HelenRose1111 Thu 19-Sep-19 10:06:01

I'd be narked too - but tell her you will arrange for a freelance to sort the horses for the period she's away and she can pay half.
Your husband (if not horsy) will be more focused (and rightly so) on you when the baby is being born and might miss something (cuts/lost shoes etc) whilst distracted.

FanFckingTastic Thu 19-Sep-19 14:16:57

Your friend has been kind to offer to help you during your pregnancy and when you have a newborn. From what you have said, I would imagine that her help with your horse will be over quite a period of time (during the last trimester when you are quite large and first trimester when you are post partum - so a good few months in total) Compared to that, she will need your help for around 2 weeks, assuming that her holiday is that long. Of course it's a bit inconvenient that she's going when you are due but she's entitled to pick when is right for her. She's even giving you considerable notice so I don't think you should be feeling narked really. It sounds like you have both got plenty of time to figure out an option that works - whether that is getting your other half up to speed with what he needs to do to look after both horses or getting a freelance groom in to do them both. Congrats on your pregnancy too :-)

maxelly Thu 19-Sep-19 14:26:01

YAB a bit U, I think. I can understand you feeling narked about the timing, but it sounds as though it is really worth maintaining friendly relationships with her as it's so so worthwhile having someone who will happily do your horses if needed and it's really really dreadful field sharing with someone where the relationship has broken down. Even if there is a minor lingering tension or gripe it can be annoying. You don't really want to get yourselves into a position where one of you can 'veto' holidays or days away etc. for the other because it isn't convenient for you so I think you have to accept it's her right to go away and be unable to look after the horses (providing she gives you notice), just as it's your right to have time with the new baby.

So I'd be very very cautious of implying she's done anything wrong here - there may be all sorts of factors that affect when she can take her holiday meaning she can only go then, or perhaps you and your horse are just low down her priority list - neither make her a bad person, maybe just a bit thoughtless. I can see the situation cropping up lots over the next few years though e.g. she's stuck at work, you have a sick baby etc., who has to go and deal with horses? I think you need to find an amicable way of resolving these kind of things or resentment will start to creep in.

I think my solution probably would be to identify a local freelance groom or pet-sitter with horsey experience or even a competent local horsey teenager who can be booked to see to the horses once or twice a day for a fee, and see if she'll agree to split the cost between the 2 of you? I think this would be safer and better for the horses than your non horsey DH doing it as someone experienced will know better than him what to do if there's an injury or field escape or even things like a broken rug or fencing etc. - also as you are due right around the dates of the holiday you need contingency for if you are actually in labour/hospital when she's away, as presumably you won't want your DH leaving to go feed the horses. If you find a good reliable person the arrangement can be that they are booked and costs split anytime you are both away or unavailable. Then keep your DH in reserve as more of an 'emergency' callout option... would this work?

Pleasedontdothat Thu 19-Sep-19 15:31:32

I agree that getting in a freelance to cover those two weeks would make sense. It would be good to have the option of someone else to look after the horses in future anyway as this won’t be the only time that neither of you will be able to do so. And yes, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable - it’s not like she’s sprung this on you at the last minute, she’s giving you several months notice so the two of you have plenty of time to sort out a solution together

HorseMum91 Thu 19-Sep-19 16:12:39

Thanks guys, I know I'm being ABU really. Shes a lovely lady and I certainly wouldn't fall out with her over it. I think I'm just hormonal and the uncertainty of it all makes me uneasy. But ya know, there are worse things in the world!

RatherBeRiding Tue 24-Sep-19 17:25:55

Freelance groom definitely! I can see why you're a bit peeved, but she's done nothing wrong.

Vanhi Tue 24-Sep-19 18:53:07

She's given you 4 months + notice. Her life can't revolve around your pregnancy. I don't think my DP would be that understanding if we managed to sort out our ideal holiday and I refused to book it because I was looking after a friend's horse. If I were being paid as a freelance groom and it was a work commitment it would be different. If she'd dropped you in it 2 weeks before it would be different.

Go halves on a freelance groom. You'll want someone reliable who the horses know for future reference anyway and this gives you time to find someone good before your friend goes away.

Elieza Fri 11-Oct-19 19:50:16

She’s only away for a week or two. She’ll be helping you for perhaps a month or two. You’ll be getting more back than she gets from the arrangement so it’s fine. A local freelancer sounds ideal. Speak with her about it and see what she suggests. Perhaps she thought your hubby would drive you up and you could supervise from the car as both horses are easy so it shouldn’t be too bad.

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