Bossy teenage girls and ponies...

[sadsometimes]

dd1 is 14 and incredibly bossy and protective of her pony to the point where I can no longer help her do anything as I am invariably doing it completely wrong. Its turning pony ownership into a bit of a nightmare. This morning she went mad at me because I had mixed his feed and I may not have done it how she would do it. She has become more competitive and is doing very well on him but doesn't like me to come and watch anymore and will only go with my dh. Its making me feel a bit bullied and sad which I am aware sounds utterly pathetic. I don't suppose anyone knows where I am coming from? I have two other dcs who ride and they are young enough and easy enough to actively enjoy me being involved and helping them so its not all doom and gloom.

I have tried just letting her get on with it which works to a point until she forgets something when she will absoultey lose it at me as I 'am not helping her'.

Is this just teenagers :-(

[Littlebigbum]

Might be, just teenagers

[Primrose123]

Maybe I am oldfashioned, but if you provide her with a pony and all the things that go with it, which is not cheap (I assume she is not funding this herself!) I would expect her to be polite and grateful in return. She is very lucky, there are many children who would love to have their own pony, but will never get that experience. If she doesn't want any help, that is fine, let her do all the work herself, but to tell you that you can't go and watch her is downright rude. If it was me, I would tell her that if she can't be polite and civil, she will no longer have a pony.

Does she behave like this about other things? Is she generally rude to you? I would remind her that you are her mother and will not tolerate this behaviour.

[Pixel]

Got to admit, she does sound a bit spoilt.

[viperslast]

A chat about gratitude and respect of course however my dd is very similar. She has become a spoiled brat wrt ponies and I am not far from selling up tbh. I am clueless and interfering unless of course she wants a night off with her mates in which case it's my job because I bought the pony. ...

Teenagers are a thankless task and introducing ponies seems to exacerbate the problem ime.

[sadsometimes]

Yes I agree she is beginning to sound spoilt. Initially I explained it away with her being nervous or anxious about things. This is where the competing without me comes from - apparently I make her nervous so she does better without me being there. I am a bit sick of being made out to be some sort of depressing curse so I think I might insist that I go next time. If she falls off or it all goes wrong I don't quite know what I'll do though!

Any tips to teach spoilt teens gratitude welcome! She was never spoilt, always very sweet natured and helpful. She's changed over the last year and isnt always very nice any more :-(

[Littlebigbum]

I see it alot at the stables, you can talk to her and it will sort it out for a couple of month. She has to decide her self.

[sadsometimes]

Well she was cocky to the pony club instructor tonight and got a right bollocking so we had a chat about how being confident isn't the same as sounding rude and arrogant. She'd rather be right than liked I think can't think where she gets that from

[ADishBestEatenCold]

How rotten for you to be left out sadsometimes! Is your DD dependent upon being taken to Pony Club and competitions? For example, is your DD and her pony actually transported to such events, or does she only do the things that take place at the yard/within hacking distance?

If the former, could you and your DH agree between you that he will be (sadly) 'unavailable' for the next few (important) events. When he tells her that he can't take her, don't step in and offer to take her. Preferably say nothing, but if forced to comment just say 'oh, that's a pity, maybe next time'.

Wait, however many times it takes, until she's forced to ask you to take her. Once she does ask you; say yes, you will BUT on the strict condition that she stops behaving this way towards you.

[sugar4eva]

We have this with our dd - its partloy tension at the competitions i think ,part normal embarasment at
having your mum there.when noramlly you are branching out on own - put those factors together - pow !!! ive felt virtualy unable to speak soemtimes as cant get it right - and shes been told she must be civil .i really do understand how you feel.!!!!!!i once went on help strike - inc lifts that helped for a while !!!

[sugar4eva]

sorry partly tension!!!!

[dopeysheep]

I think if my dd 'went mad' for mixing up a feed tje pony might be advertised for sale sharpish.

I think she needs to remember what a huge gift it is that you have bought her a pony and take her competing in the first place. The least she can do is be civil!

Good luck though I know it's easy to give advice and harder to actually deal with a hormonal teen!

[PortHills]

Bit different, but our netball coach used to ask my mum to leave the courtside when my sister played, because having our mum there used to really put her off.

But note it was the coach, not my sister that asked her to leave!

[miggy]

See now this is where you need a teenage boy instead, mine is so rubbish at tacking up, putting on boots etc , he is desperate for me to take him to competitions rather than dh :)
Do have a 14 yr old dd though so I can only sympathise, don't think they mean to be so horrible, just controlling the things they can when so much else on their lives are changing around them
I do tell mine though if she is being particularly unpleasant and am apology is usually forthcoming .

[dappleton]

I think it's teenager girls in general, even though i'm sure a few lucky parents out there escape this phase. it's great that the pony club instructor gave her a dressing-down, a few more of those and she should start to realise her behaviour is unacceptable.
I had a girl like this on my yard - 2yrs later she's lovely! - I guess it just takes time and LOTS of patience.

[LeonardWentToTheOffice]

I was pony mad at that age and would have done anything for a pony of my own. I like to think I would have been beside myself with gratitude towards my dm had she be able to make this possible. Though I'm sure I wouldn't have been and would have been the same sulky mardy argumentive nightmare of a teenager I was at the time!! It does sound like a lot of it is simply that she is a teenager with loads of horrible unfamiliar hormones wizzing around sometimes making her irrecognisable even to herself. Not ok however just to allow this to continue. A quiet chat, talking it through, about how upset you feel and how she feels when you're both feeling calm (maybe over some nice cake!) and reminding her how blimmin lucky she is is in order.
If it doesn't work let me be your daughter. I'll be lovely and appreciative and let you come everywhere and share my pony-life! I don't mind if you make his feed for him.

[BoyMeetsWorld]

I'm only mid twenties now & can v clearly remember my relationship with my mother whilst having ponies when I was a teen (up until I went to Uni). I'm afraid I was probably v similar to your daughter. With hindsight, obv I was incredibly lucky to have two horses and a mother who drove me to them, paid for their stabling & mucked out / looked after one every day whilst I did the other. On the other hand, to try & give a bit of your daughter's 'perspective': I was at the age where absolutely everything I did, I felt judged & like I had to assert myself - if my mother did something wrong in my eyes, I had no patience for it. If she did it right or differently, I saw that as undermining me or a threat. Horses were my 'thing' so the issue came out more here than in any other aspect of our home life. I was EXACTLY the same with shows. If mum was there, she drove me insane. She cared too much & that made me edgy. If she acted nonchalant I felt she wasn't taking it seriously enough. If she took too much interest, the pressure on me was too much. Somehow my dad didn't annoy me in the same way. He was in no way a threat - he barely even knew about horses. To him, anything I did was amazing. I know it must be v unpleasant for you - but unfortunately I think it's just the way it is with some teen girls & their mums - no matter that you do, for a few years you will be competition & enemy number 1. If my mum had taken my horses away at that stage, I would have resented her for the rest of my life. As it is, I grew out of it eventually, came out the other side & was able to look back and see how much she did for me.

[frenchfancy]

I agree with primrose and ADish but I think boymeetsworld makes a good point about never being forgiven if you remove the pony.

My DD is starting to act in a similar way, but as we share the horse it is less of an issue, if she doesn't like it she stays at home.

I think in your case I would remove my labour, and any transportation or fees for competitions. Do not threaten to sell the horse. Instead make it clear that she needs to do everything herself. And I think DH being busy on competition days is a good idea too.

[lovebeansontoast]

Tough one. My dd was the teenager from hell, and I do empathise. I suspect it is teenagerhood and there's not a lot you can do about it. A few years later I just got a text from her saying "love you and dad xxx" I'd never have received one of those when she was the same age as your dd. Just keep your boundaries as that's what she's testing. I doubt very much she wants them to disappear. It was slightly different with mine re horses, as I did buy a horse, but bought one for me that she could ride, so I always had final say. I'n sure she'll come out of it eventually.