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How to manage situation with school and abusive ex?

18 replies

ThomasRichard · 14/09/2017 18:40

I'll try to keep this brief. I have 2 DC with ExH, who was abusive towards me in multiple ways. We have been separated for >2 years, divorced for >1. I'm receiving therapy to recover from the abuse and associated PTSD. Both DC are at school and although the age difference means that they're at separate schools, they're on the same site.

ExH is both charming and manipulative, which explains why I married him and put up with the abuse in the first place. Over several years, he would act atrociously and then spin it so that I genuinely thought I was the one in the wrong and thought I was going mad. He's kept up this behaviour since I began divorce proceedings and I've got better at spotting and challenging it. He's used various threats, explicit or implied, to get me to do as he says or he'll refuse to sign the divorce petition, withhold child maintenance, not being the children back, etc.

Which brings me to the issue... ExH demanded that I supply him with school uniform for the DC, having originally said that he would buy all their uniform. I told him not to be ridiculous and, long story short, he sent the DC to school in plain clothes and wrote notes and went in to explain that I had refused to hand over any uniform, despite him providing it. While he was there, he also managed to get in a few bits about how awful I am about various ways related to the DC, how he's struggling but doing his best despite it all... As related to me by a member of staff, the family workers are now up in arms. They have offered to facilitate mediation and I just don't know what to do. He is using the children and the schools to continue his abuse of me but in such a way that I look terrible.

How do I handle this?

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ginswinger · 14/09/2017 18:50

Leave a set of school uniform at school so they can change in to it?
I get he's a git but is there a reason why you can't send the kids with a uniform? As long as they come back in it, I can't see a problem.

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PotteringAlong · 14/09/2017 18:53

Why on earth did you refuse to give him the kids uniform?! You were punishing them there, not him.

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RandomMess · 14/09/2017 18:55

I would tell the school that mediation is not recommended when one person has been abusing the other and it wasn't you who was the perpetrator.

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ThomasRichard · 14/09/2017 18:56

I did leave a set of uniform each at school but apparently that isn't acceptable to the school, which is fair enough really. Their expectation is that all children arrive in uniform and I agree with that.

Up until now, it has always been the agreement that he supplied uniform of the days he is responsible for taking the DC to school.

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ThomasRichard · 14/09/2017 19:21

Perhaps I should also point out again that originally he said he would buy all their uniform. He didn't, I did. Yet he intentionally went to the schools and lied, in person and in writing, saying that he did. This is a pattern of behaviour that is now extending into punishing the children and going through their schools to continue his abuse of me, not a one-off incident.

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shinyshiner · 14/09/2017 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThomasRichard · 14/09/2017 20:43

Would they even be interested? I can imagine them being pretty annoyed at being pulled into what looks like a silly he said-she said dispute.

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ThisIsNotARealAvo · 14/09/2017 21:00

Definitely tell the school all about it, as much as you can. I'm a teacher and our SLT would definitely be interested and could offer quite a lot of support. Do not let him carry on abusing you like this and trying to make the school complicit.

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longdays · 14/09/2017 21:25

My ex is doing similar stuff. I've been into the school and they have been nothing short of excellent.

I felt such a fool speaking to them, but they have been very professional and really looked after my daughter well.

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dippydeedoo · 14/09/2017 21:30

I don't understand, are the children staying at their dad's and not taking uniform for the next school day?.
Why is this? They have uniform regardless of who bought it and they should be wearing it for school regardless of who is taking them on that day.
I think you should speak to school but also feel it's a bit petty and school has enough to do.

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luckylavender · 14/09/2017 21:39

I also think that it's the children who are suffering

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TheSnowFairy · 15/09/2017 16:55

I feel so sorry for the children in this scenario.

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shushpenfold · 15/09/2017 17:00

Definitely tell the school the background. It makes it very difficult for them to act in the best interests of your children without the information. If it makes you feel any better, you won't be the first and you won't be the only one.

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expatinspain · 15/09/2017 17:04

I think that you should just send them to his house with their uniform, regardless of who bought it. The situation is bringing more stress on you and sometimes it's better to pick your battles with someone like that.

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PotteringAlong · 15/09/2017 17:33

But I still don't understand why you wouldn't just give uniform for your children to wear to him? You are only punishing the children? What did you gain from that?

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dertyyuoih2 · 15/09/2017 17:40

If the children are with you and they go in plain clothing, send a bag of school uniform with them? Surely the children will then come back to yours In said uniform with plain clothing then in their school bags?
My DSS every other weekend goes to his mums on a Sunday tea time, he goes in clothes from ours, I pack up his uniform everything he needs for the two days he is there. He comes back to ours from school with clothes he went in packed in his school bag? Works for us.

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ThomasRichard · 16/09/2017 08:28

Ok, so I have packed an enormous bag of uniform and showed it to the DC so they don't worry. That part is sorted.

I met with the schools yesterday and discussed what happened with the uniform - which is sorted - and what the approach will be if and when the next thing comes up. Which is the bit I was actually asking about, because it's not about the individual situations, which are easy to sort out, but the fact that ExH creates these situations in the first place as a way to bully me. The schools were both very pragmatic and kind and we have a plan in place.

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MaisyPops · 16/09/2017 08:34

As a school we would want to know about this.

We have had messages in staff meetings to the effect of:
Please do not mention x to Ben please. Pass your concerns to his tutor
There is an ongoing home situation for Tilly. Please do not contact Dad
There is a lot going on in the background for Charlotte. If you have any contact from Mum at all can you please pass it straight to.... and we will pick this up

Staff need to know because if your ex sends a notr asking staff to contact him then they probably would. If he discloses anything or suggests there's an issue with you not looking after the children they would be professionally bound to report it.

I can't stress how important it is that you tell school about the history.

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