I feel like I'm having a serious meltdown. I can't focus and that might have something to do with the fact I can't stop crying. I'm a NQT completing this March and I have a few problems at school at the moment. Firstly our HT mentioned at the start of this year (January) that if anyone is planning on leaving to let her know. I was hoping to stay on at the school I am at and nothing was mentioned if contracts would be renewed so I asked for a meeting (I'm on fixed contract, I've been there since last January). In the meeting I was told that I would have to reapply but there may not be a job as the deputy may be taking over my class and in fact it is her class that I am in at the moment (I know this is not true as she was not teaching in year 4 and when I took over I took over from a teacher who was leaving). I was also then told that if I wanted to leave in March that wouldn't be a problem (I had never said I wanted to leave). Life has been made extremely difficult and when I've raised issues I've been told I'm being confrontational and I should be careful how I speak to people (I brought it to their attention that they had made a slight mistake in assessment, but I was extremely subtle and never even said mistake, just asked for clarification). I'm now always spoken to rudely and put down in meetings in front of others and other colleagues have seen this but everyone lives in fear of saying anything. I've been bombarded with inputing several test scores on to different formats and told the previous ones are no good and that's why they need to go on another format. (I've seen union rules on this and I know it's not expected of us as teachers, once maybe but not same data over and over). I get told not to change things but then asked why it's not been done! We had Maths and English book scrutiny this week and I was asked to see the HT. I've been told that non of the children in my maths or English sets have made any progress and my class is being taken over by my parallel teacher on Monday with me taking the HA sets. I was also told today that my class will be taken over by the deputy in March. As I am contracted till August I was given the option to either go into a year 1 class or teach SEN in an intervention room. My other option is to leave in March. I was also told that my head will give me a good reference because if she was to observe me she wouldn't be able to fault my teaching and she made it clear that I am a good teacher!!! I feel deflated and undervalued, how is it possible to be a good teacher but the children not make any progress? I have decided that I will take the offer of teaching year 1 in the afternoons and doing interventions in the mornings but I feel that it's clear that I'm not wanted, I come home crying because the workload is just unmanageable and more gets thrown at me all the time. The other NQTs have said they're staying on and not been told their jobs will be re advertised so I assume it's just me then. I just don't know what to do, I've asked for some guidance on where I went wrong and how is it possible to be a good teacher but not show any progress but I haven't had a straight answer and nothing to work with. I don't want to get the union involved as I want to leave in July with my reputation intact and at least a good reference. I just feel like I'm going mad and I feel so depressed that I've let a group of children down. I thought I was getting the hang of it and now I'm not so sure. I feel so inadequate.
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