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Things you never expected to say as a teacher

(39 Posts)
SuffolkNWhat Tue 19-May-15 18:27:27

Light hearted thread before we get to half term.

Today two Y8 boys, both brilliant in my subject.

Today I found myself saying:
"Alfred stop giving Ethelred a lap dance!"

*names changed to protect the innocent.

What funny things have you said in your classrooms?

MrsUltracrepidarian Tue 19-May-15 18:40:48

'Tibault, this is the first time I have had to sanction a boy on crutches for being out of his seat stabbing another pupil with a broken pencil. And no, that is not a good thing.'

Chapuys Tue 19-May-15 18:46:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thatssofunny Tue 19-May-15 18:47:23

Our Y2 teacher and I have a tendency to be a little silly. The kids are aware that we are friends and get on very well.
While talking to one of our Y2s, with mock exasperation: "Your teacher is being mean to me...and then she's saying I'm the silly one."
Y2 child: "Well, she didn't get it from us. We are lovely." grin

Coming back into my class today, after having spent most of the afternoon at a meeting, two of my boys come up to me, give me a hug and say: "You're back Miss, we missed you!" hmm I teach Year 6! confused grin

AnimalsAreMyFriends Tue 19-May-15 18:51:38

"We don't eat the frog spawn Paul" <it's dripping down his chin at that point> bleurk!

"We don't eat wax crayons Paul" <they were embedded in his back teeth - orange and purple ones>

"Take those conkers out of your mouth Paul" (Screamed ever so slightly hysterically when I realised)

It was a trying year with Paul. It was 1991, and Paul is now married with children of his own...

EvilTwins Tue 19-May-15 19:09:14

No I don't have a knife you can use.

Yes, we've got loads of blood - at least two bottles.

I suppose you could turn the oven into a time machine.

The thing is, if they thought the dinosaur was a crocodile, you must have been doing something to suggest that. Maybe work on it for next time?

I have no idea of there are fart noises on YouTube - you'd have to search and find out.

(All of these in the last few weeks. disclaimer Drama teacher)

Doraemon Tue 19-May-15 19:54:08

'We keep our knickers on in nursery!' (definitely overtones of Joyce Grenfell in our Foundation Unit)

SuffolkNWhat Tue 19-May-15 20:01:26

I long to be able to say "George, don't do that" but all the George's I teach are too awesome!

Telladomi Tue 19-May-15 20:17:06

"Don't panic everyone, it's not my blood!"

(nosebleed season. I looked like I'd done a murder)

Lara2 Tue 19-May-15 20:56:15

"Ryan! Why are you lying in the urinal?!" grin

Fourarmsv2 Tue 19-May-15 21:00:22

Mid Y10 lesson - Sebastian will you please pull your trousers down.

He'd rolled them up to his knees to
display some distracting stripy socks!

Yes, I can see you're stuck to the wall. My question was: 'who stapled you there?'

MidniteScribbler Wed 20-May-15 05:10:51

"If you're going to commit murder on school property, at least do it on the grass where no one will trip on the blood."

Disclaimer: we were filming horror movies on Friday the 13th.

MrsUltracrepidarian Wed 20-May-15 17:38:27

Fourarmsv2 grin
this has to be the winner!

suitefrancaise Wed 20-May-15 18:20:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phlebasconsidered Wed 20-May-15 19:14:15

"It is not appropriate to compare poos in the toilets at breaktimes, or have a competition about whose is the biggest. Poos are private."

After a fight about it in lesson time.

siilk Wed 20-May-15 19:17:27

"Right new rule, no more stationary is to be put in nose, mouth or ears!" Said to a year 7 class who kept sticking pens up there nose!!

KittyandTeal Wed 20-May-15 19:19:15

No Adam the plastic crab doesn't live in the urinal (after it had terrified a year 2 boy with very little English and we'd finally worked out what on earth was wrong)

I cover reception one day a week. Love it.

Egog Wed 20-May-15 19:50:34

Jonathan, please stop licking Libby.

No, don't smack her bum instead.

(Year 2)

Zippidydoodah Wed 20-May-15 20:51:49

ATruth- that's brilliant! I'm assuming secondary...?!

ArabellaRockerfella Wed 20-May-15 21:32:23

"No you will not do a big poo on her head!" and "No your dad did not tell you to either" !!!!!!!!!!!

ArabellaRockerfella Wed 20-May-15 21:33:00

PS. I'm in Reception
HA HA not Secondary, now that would be an issue!

Littlefish Wed 20-May-15 22:10:18

"Nooooooooo Archie, don't poo on the old man!"

This was to a nursery child. We had just discovered thwt a different child had put a whole load of toys down the toilet including an old man puppet, and Archie was sitting on the toilet, just starting to poo!

lechie Wed 20-May-15 23:26:21

"Next week, we're going to do masturbation"

To my A level students a couple of weeks ago. We're studying sexual ethics grin.

honeysucklejasmine Wed 20-May-15 23:31:54

"If you must hit him, can you do so after class please?"

Classic flirting scenario. hmm

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