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has anyone experienced a perfectly FINE kid becoming a 'thing' at school?

(112 Posts)

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Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 12:57:24

normally (IME) as a result of the parents?
Does anyone find that sometimes involvement of agencies makes things worse and if they just chivvied the kid along and ignored them and their parents a bit and told the parent to stop making up ridiculous syndromes the kid would actually be FINE?

Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 12:57:49

and the curse of the private bloody diagnosis

WipsGlitter Mon 22-Sep-14 13:08:45

Do you mean parents wanting extra support for their child when it's not really necessary?

Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 13:10:17

yes, developing some 'need' when all the staff feedback says your kid is fine.

Its semi Munchausens, or IMO trying to mask odd dynamics at home. eg 'there is a problem, it must be them, lets get a diagnosis"

Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 13:11:08

and you watch as then attendance suffers, the parents gets all arsey, relationships break down with school and in the end who loses? the kid of course

PandasRock Mon 22-Sep-14 13:12:12

what kind of ridiculous syndromes are you talking about?

I have a 'perfectly FINE' child (according to her school). With a private bloody diagnosis grin

but not a ridiculous syndrome.

maybe it's my dd (and me!) you're ranting about grin

Pantone363 Mon 22-Sep-14 13:12:51


I know a kid who was much much worse with a label. IMO it was just a phase, but parents did not like it one bit. Even diagnosed it was 'mild', parents hammed it up.

Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 13:13:56

i am sure I am not. smile
I can't be too specific. Imagine a teen who is just becoming moody and hating their parents (who tbh would test the patience of a saint). Tries it on in a few lessons to be non co-operative. Is bright and with a bit of ' come on get on with it" is fine.
Now kid is aspergic. hmm [Post edited by MNHQ to preserve anonymity]

Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 13:14:11

TOTALLy a phase pantone

Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 13:15:01

also kids with fatigue syndrome but parents wont let school ( any of the three they attend) access to the notes.. hmm

Lordnoobson Mon 22-Sep-14 13:15:59

or is the kid autistic? I can't remember. In any way I would suggest they just hate their parents and life and wants to be a mosher. wink

SanityClause Mon 22-Sep-14 13:17:51

So, you know better than the paediatrician who diagnosed her?

And what are your credentials?

That "perfectly FINE" child at school may have been saving all her frustrations up every day, and exploding every evening at home. Its not at all unusual.

Pantone363 Mon 22-Sep-14 13:19:49

Kid I'm talking about had depression. She had broken up with boyf and had totally normal teenage angst. Acting up at school. Truanting.

The more therapy/meds she got the worse she was. Came back after summer hols with new boyf and was fine again.

marshmallowSqueeze Mon 22-Sep-14 13:20:56

You could have also been talking about ds and I and his private dx, his school also say he is fine but are not qualified to dx his asd. Might I also remind you that throwing labels around and stating the parents have munchausens is dangerous when your aren't qualified to say so unless I have got it wrong your a clinical pysch as well

Pantone363 Mon 22-Sep-14 13:21:10

Depression and anger issues. Suddenly she didn't need to leave the class anymore/see therapists/stopped meds.

PandasRock Mon 22-Sep-14 13:21:19

don't mind if it is me you are ranting about, but equally sure it isn't smile

but I would urge a note of caution. girls on the spectrum can be very, very, hard to detect. and mine would equally be (apparently) fine with a bit of 'chivvying on' at school, yet actually she would be holding it together until she felt safe enough to release it.

One of the reasons I have a private bloody diagnosis is because she was being chivvied along at school, with her issues being overlooked because they weren't 'serious' enough - ie, she held it together at school.

sometimes, a child can't hold it together any longer - this is usually when girls' spectrum issues start to get noticed, and often they are only diagnosed once they have completely lost the plot.

But then I don't know the girl in question, or the parents. But I do know the crappy system (both health and education) which is not always the best at picking up on issues.

MagratGarlik Mon 22-Sep-14 13:24:11

by "private" diagnosis, do you mean diagnosis via Dr. Google, or do you mean the parents went private because they got sick of long waiting lists on the NHS, so paid for a private (but qualified) medic to make a professional judgement?

Tokoloshe Mon 22-Sep-14 13:24:51

Like my child...

Teacher knows better than me, of course, so when I explain due to past experiences (prior to adoption) LO will freeze if she's afraid, and is in general very anxious. She hides it because it makes her feel vulnerable. I explain the sorts of things that will make her afraid (adults being angry). Teacher seems to think I'm one of those neurotic parents because she can't see any difference between LO and the others.

Teacher (to use the words of the psych who ended up observing LO in class) maintains discipline by making the children afraid of her.

LO shuts down. Teacher decides this is 'defiance'. Piles on the detentions. LO shuts down further... Teacher suggests I need parenting classes... LO not cognitively able enough for mainstream (despite pre-school having no difficulties, including with her behaviour)...

Sadly this scenario is all too common among friends who are adoptive parents as well.

Luckily once psych came in (and involved SENCO who refused to meet with me until psych got involved) they were finally willing to listen to what I said. LO is now coping, and cognitive assessments show that she is well within mainstream ability, and above average in some aspects.

Sometimes children who seem FINE are falling apart inside, and their parents are the ones who can see that (and have to deal with the fall out).

lougle Mon 22-Sep-14 13:28:23

Yep, that would be me. I think DD2 has ASD. DD2 seen by a pediatrician and SALT. Both said she's fine.

Me having MBP insists that the OT comes. School tell me that OT say she's fine.

Me having MBP, withdraws her to HE.

Then the OT phones, turns out she's not fine and school have made assumptions. OT gives a big list of issues and suggests referral to ASD expert.

Funny old world. hmm

lougle Mon 22-Sep-14 13:29:56

Can MNHQ link to TIMC campaign here?

PandasRock Mon 22-Sep-14 13:34:36

Sometimes, a child being FINE at school is the result of unbelievable amounts of hard work and support at home. Endless bloody explaining and tutoring jsut to keep up with social niceties and everyday stuff that most of the world takes for granted.

Stuff which is so far beyond normal and typical, that the parents know there is something going on (perhaps for years) despite being told at every opportunity that their child is fine, and their parenting and neuroses are to blame.

I am in the middle of a very bitter last laugh atm, as dd's old pre-school keyworker (who I handed over dd to when she was 3, warning about her control issues and probably ASD, and was met with a patronising smile and told to let go, dd2 was fine and not at all like her older (severe ASD) sister) is now part of the learning support staff having to support a now-diagnosed dd2. Boy am I looking forward to parent's evening where I can chat with her about how amazed she must be that dd2 has been diagnosed (whilst also being saddened by the prospect of virtually no support for dd2 this year, since the teacher will be dismissing my private-bloody-diagnosis, and carrying on with thoughts of my MBP)

jollydad Mon 22-Sep-14 13:34:50

What do you mean by a thing?

Possibly like Aspergers where for 4 years our concerns about our son were ignored and we were "chivvied" along (ie ignored/patronised by teachers and the agencies).

Finally got a "private" diagnosis of ASD and all the teachers were "Oh, we can see that now we've got the report".

Happened to some of my sons friends. One with dislexia, told he didn't need any support untill it did become an issue. If they'd tackled it earlier then it would have been easier to deal with.

So in general my experience has been of children with additional needs being ignored/patronised by the education establishment rather than getting the help they needed. And in the end they were definitely not fine.

Fortunatley my son now attends a school where special needs is taken seriously and not dismissed. I feel for the people where you teach with an attitude like yours.

ouryve Mon 22-Sep-14 13:37:14

No, but know plenty of parents whose kids' teachers say their "fine" in pretty much the same breath they mention their child needing extra reading practice or refusing to go outside at playtime, or not eating any lunch.

ouryve Mon 22-Sep-14 13:37:45

they're "fine"

My brain knows the difference, but my fingers don't.

AGnu Mon 22-Sep-14 13:39:20

Sounds like me - I was a perfectly good student, with a few distraction issues, until about 16 when I went through a really rebellious phase. I never understood why I was the way I was until a few months ago when someone on MN linked to a list of female Asperger symptoms. It was like someone had managed to take every one of my idiosyncrasies & write them down, something I couldn't have done myself.

Please don't disregard another professional's opinion when they have greater expertise in the area than you. Perhaps they can see something in the child that you couldn't. No-one noticed it in me & most people, even now, would probably say I was just being silly. I've trusted 3 people enough to show them the list, with the ones which apply to me almost the entire page highlighted, & they've all agreed that I'd be one of the first people they'd have thought of when they read it.

You might not see it, the expert has. Having a diagnosis like that is scary & takes time to adjust to. Surely the child needs support & understanding, not people suggesting they're making it up as an excuse for poor parenting. I spent 10 years blaming my parents for not understanding me & therefore not parenting me in the correct way. Their parenting skills were more than adequate, they just didn't know about AS.

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