The rules of cat ownership.

[SimonBridges]

Well I say ownership but you know what I mean.

I was talking to my girl earlier telling her that I was going to have to get into bed with a pile of clothes still on it as she was asleep on the clothes. That lead me to think of the rules of cat ownership.

rule one - that anything that the cat is asleep on belongs to the cat and cannot be moved, this includes humans.
Rule two - you will sit on the floor or sleep in an uncomfortable angle to not disturb the cat.

What other rules are there?

[cinders15]

Food!
If it's on the floor, it's fair game

[SimonBridges]

But food that is in the cat’s bowl is no where near as interesting as the food you are eating, regardless of what that food it.

(My crazes me for houmus FFS)

[Weezol]

There are many, many rules. I am not allowed access to The Big Book Of Rules (I am not worthy as I'm just 'junior staff'), so often I don't realise I have broken yet another rule until I am in Trouble with DCat.

[SimonBridges]

Rule three - you must be in when they come in.
Rule four - you must be out when they come in.

[Want2beme]

I should have been in bed at 11pm tonight, but here I am just in at 12.30pm and all because I couldn't break that rule of removing one fluff ball from my lap. I now have another fluff ball beside me in bed expecting me to give her lots off rubs -another rule I cannot break. Who knows what time I'll be going to sleep tonight. On the plus side, there's a beautiful moon out there tonight

[bionicnemonic]

That you must scratch that area behind the ears and under the chin for PRECISELY the correct place or else you will be grabbed by the teeth and claws

[CatOwned]

Fuck your sleep patterns. You must be ready to play, feed and talk to the cat whenever the madam wants.

[Slinkymalinky1]

You must follow him to the fridge and produce wholesome food (ham or cheese is acceptable)
Stroke chin and ears for as long as you like, but tummy rubs are only acceptable for minimal time before he grabs and attacks

[Slinkymalinky1]

catowned do you have a Siamese?

[Ollivander84]

I must cuddle him 24/7. He won't eat in the morning until he has a cuddle
I must supply belly rubs, kisses and head boops at all times
Every time he says ma-ma I have to say good boy
He can't jump in the front window, only the back they're the same bloody height so I must open the door when he wishes to come in
I must not stroke other cats. Ever
Pork scratchings are his sweeties, not mine
He can only sleep on merino wool or sheepskin unless he's outside snoring in a bush
He must be allowed to gaze adoringly at me, even if it wakes me up at 3am because he's staring and drooling on my face

[RepealRepealRepeal]

All of my cats have figured out how to knock on the door, by rattling the letterbox. I must answer the door on the first rattle. Any longer than 20 seconds leads to a mouthful of abuse.

I must only put appropriate water in the water bowl. I must anticipate what appropriate water is on any given day as some days it must be fresh and other days it must be left from the day before.

One of my cats can pee in the toilet. Not consistently, only when he's too lazy, it's too wet, or he has some reason for not wanting to go outside. I must not disturb him when he's using the facilities, although to be fair, that's just common courtesy.

I must keep a supply of high quality catnip. He knows the difference and won't touch the cheaper stuff.

I must stop trying to fool them with own brand cat treats. I must only buy cheese dreamies.

[Allergictoironing]

I must drop everything, even if it's an important work call that I'm using the headset for, and go into the living room when summoned by Girlcat. No fuss is expected or even wanted, just my presence.
I must give Boycat his morning cuddles before leaving the bedroom, even if I'm busting for a pee.
I must get into bed first, then await the Presence to jump on my bed at night. Then I must get out of bed to lay on top, head at feet end, to cuddle Boycat.
If I go to the loo and either cat is lying on the bed, I must go into the bedroom to stroke & head/tummy rub before going downstairs. Otherwise I will be followed down with complaints.
If Girlcat is lying on the back of the sofa, I must belly rub. I must not go any closer than with her just in reach if I twist round & stretch my arm.
(Possibly weirdest one) When giving Boycat belly rubs, I must approach the required area by going between his back legs. If I approach the sacred belly area from the side, he will move his upper back leg over my arm so the back legs are round it. There appears to be no sexual implications to this at all, no rubbing or humping, no requirement to rub THAT particular area, just that my arm needs to come from under his tail & between the back legs.

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

I have to go and watch HRH jump onto the bathroom window (from which she can jump outside) at least once a day. She will sit and wait for me to follow her, in the kitchen, hall, or, even in the bathroom itself if she deems I am not paying her enough attention, having summoned me with a call in the first place. I'm pretty sure she's trying to teach me how to jump up there, and is pretty peeved at how long it is taking me to learn.

We also have to acknowledge her arrival into the house with enough enthusiasm, else she'll keep moaning until we do so. I also have to acknowledge her "I've finished my food" miaow, and she'll sit at her bowl looking at me until I do so. She has been known to send us to bed, me when she wants her sofa free to sleep on (having had her first snooze on her big bed (the double)), and DP when she reckons that listening to loud music until 2 in the morning is far too long and she requires silence. We are also to jump whenever we are woken in the morning to let her out - she is not pleased if she is kept waiting.

[Papergirl1968]

I am required to stand by the back door, ready to open it when his highness decides he wants to go in or out. Under no circumstances must I use my foot to gently ease him out.
When it comes to entering via the bedroom window, dreamies are no longer acceptable and I must dangle some chicken out.
I know my place.

[SimonBridges]

We must take madam to bed after she has eaten her dinner. She will sit at the bottom of the stairs a yowl until DH goes up stairs with her and makes sure she selects a bed to sleep on.

[Want2beme]

@SimonBridges
We must take madam to bed after she has eaten her dinner. She will sit at the bottom of the stairs a yowl until DH goes up stairs with her and makes sure she selects a bed to sleep on.

What?! She is a genius manipulator overlady

[SimonBridges]

Oh she absolutely runs the house.

[ScoopyDoo]

Dreamies must be thrown, not handed, as they are tasteless without the thrill of the chase.

In the morning, Girlcat must have access to a lap for a roll around, headbump, and curl up. In the evenings laps are completely unacceptable and only the very end of stretched out legs, ideally ankles and feet, will do. She must not be touched in this position or ankles will be shredded.

Fleece blanket must be on bottom of bed for girlcat otherwise she'll vacate to top of wardrobe in a sulk.

Girlcat must have access to roll around on floor of bathroom while DH is shaving/cleaning teeth. She has no interest in coming in there with me.

Boycat has no such system of rules. Affection is demanded at random but when it is, you must be seated and support him while he rolls into the optimal upside down position so all the pressure is on his head for the ultimate endless head rub.

[littlewoollypervert]

I must not delay too long having a wee first thing, as furry arseholes 1 & 2 wait impatiently outside the bathroom for their breakfast.

Fatter furry arsehole has worked out she is heavy enough to push the bathroom door open if I take too long.

My bathroom is downstairs, the bathroom door faces my glass front door, the loo is right opposite the bathroom door - I now do my morning widdle with my left hand outstretched to catch the door and push it closed again before the neighbours see me in all my glory.

Yes, I do have a little bolt on the door but the morning wee is sometimes too urgent to allow time to close this.

[Guilin]

1. we must stand by the front and back door all the time to let their highnesses in or out as they so desire, because its more convenient for them, than making their way through their own micro chip catflap
2. dry food must be fresh - yesterday's dry food is totally unacceptable
3. all better quality cat food like Nature's Menu, Hi Life or whatever is totally unacceptable to their highnesses and will have the "earth" scratched over them - Whiskas, Felix and Sainsbury's own are the products of choice
4. we are to never close the toilet door, as their highnesses have to come in and watch - the toilet door will get scratched until we open it otherwise
5. we must wake up at dawn to cuddle/stroke them and submit to nose pushing for as long as their highnesses so desire
6. we must submit to "kisses" (their highnesses' gums rubbed along our faces) while sitting at our desk to work
7. we must be suitably impressed with their gifts to us - mice and birds, brought in dead or alive for us to play with
8. we can never look at our tablets - instead we are treated to a very close up view of her highness's face, as she lies on our chest
9. all our attempts at cooking on top of the cooker have to be inspected by their highnesses, at the risk of burnt paws as they walk about sniffing in the pans

10. if we have the temerity to eat meat, then they have the right to sniff our breath to see if it was better than their dinner!

[headinhands]

The decision to come inside or go outside (we don't have a cat flap) cannot and will not be rushed. The cat is allowed to come in/out half way as a trial run and then turn around as many times as necessary for the cat to be truly happy with it's decision.

[headinhands]

Cat must be free to nap in the most inconvenient places such as right in the middle of the top stair while you're carrying a basket of laundry.

[PastBananas]

There is only one rule.

The cats make the rules, which may be amended without notice.

[sashh]

I am responsible for rain, if I do not turn the rain off I will be squawked at.

A cat's place is between their human and any screen they are trying to view.

If human is not looking at a screen then the cat's place is on the human.

Neighbour at number 5 is fine for milk, his grandchildren now have a supply of cat milk to feed Her Mistyness who will then sleep on 'grandad's' belly.

Neighbour at no 4 is good for scraps of chicken/meat if she jumps up on the windowsill and wails.

Neighbour at no 1 is fine for tinned food put outside, being allowed in and accompanying human at no 1 to the shop to ensure he buys the correct food.

Neighbour at number 2 has not given in yet, but she sits on their windowsill anyway.

[MimpiDreams]

My cats have me on a curfew, somewhere between 6 and 7 pm. 6 o'clock is ok to get in. They just meander up and hang around the food bowls. But when I get back at 7 with DS from football they're all out on the front steps giving me evils. I've even considered getting someone else to drop DS off so I don't have to do the walk of shame.