Ways your evil overlord finds to punish you for misdemeanors

(34 Posts)
LemonRedwood Sun 03-Jul-16 09:03:11

His highness likes to hunt. His previous owner claimed he never brought anything in, but it turns out he is quite proficient and likes to give gifts. Mostly left on the doormat so they greet me as I get in from work. He has also attempted to redecorate the hallway a fetching shade of red (I'm not sure "mouse blood" is a colour on many paint charts).

Anyway, as a result of this, I have now put a massive great big unobtrusive but effective bell on his collar.

His highness is displeased.

I know this because he has a new way of waking me up. Instead of the paw round the face to let me know it's breakfast time, he sits by my head and scratches his neck vigorously so the bell jangles right in my ear. 3 mornings in a row. At roughly 5am.

Git.

cozietoesie Sun 03-Jul-16 09:11:14

There's a very old fable about belling the cat. wink

I'm impressed simply that he keeps it on. The Lodger will gracefully accept a collar - I wouldn't even try one with the Siamese boys - and yet when you see him twenty minutes later, the collar has disappeared. grin

Broken1Girl Sun 03-Jul-16 09:23:10

Sorry, you need to do as you're told, human slave grin
I too am amazed it's still on.
As for Madam BrokenCat, she likes to walk over my pillow, and consequently my hair, which gets caught in her claws and pulled, when she decides I need to get up and feed Her Highness. Furry little twat.

LemonRedwood Sun 03-Jul-16 09:24:48

He's managed to get out of two collars already - the ones with the safety clip. So now he has a buckle one with the safety elastic. He always wore a collar before he came to me, so I think the Houdini impressions are purely for my benefit. (Like the birds and mice, apparently).

My sister's cats record with a collar is under 10 minutes - literally out of the cat flap, time for a loo stop, then back in with no collar. Never bothered with him since then!

Toddlerteaplease Sun 03-Jul-16 09:55:25

I went away for the weekend and left their majesties with two, yes, two cat sitters to tend to their every need. I've been treated to two weeks peeing on the sofa as punishment for leaving them. Their are not the brightest cats and I thought they were to stupid to come up with feindish plots. Clearly I was wrong.

LemonRedwood Sun 03-Jul-16 10:05:10

Oh, the "you went on holiday and left me" punishments!

My mum once went away for 3 weeks. I popped in on my way to work to feed cat and let him out, then again on way home for evening feed and some cuddles. He had one of those fancy covered litter boxes that you roll and then take the poo out from a separate compartment. He'd been using it happily for weeks and thought the time I was looking after him.

I picked up mum from the airport and when we got home there was a distinct smell of cat poo. Litter tray all clean and nothing obvious so we go around the house sniffing to find what he's done.

Honestly, the biggest cat poo I've ever seen, under her desk in her study, right where she puts her feet. Thank god it smelt so much as it wouldn't have been visible until too late!

LemonRedwood Sun 03-Jul-16 10:07:16

Oh, and he refused to use fancy litter box after that so total waste of money. He wanted a standard tray so he could leave his business draped over the side.

Apologies to those eating breakfast.

Toddlerteaplease Sun 03-Jul-16 10:23:15

Lemon, I just cried laughing at that!

LemonRedwood Sun 03-Jul-16 10:29:18

I cried as I was retching cleaning it all up.

grin

He got worse as he got older. Still miss the bugger though smile

WeirdAndPissedOff Sun 03-Jul-16 13:40:38

Oldest cat is proficient at punishments.
When we got 2 new kittens she started shitting on the rug every night - right in the middle of the room, on the only bit of floor that wasn't laminate, every night without fail.
She also throws up if you go too long without feeding her (in her eyes).
And she swears like crazy if you leave her out overnight. One particular night she was being awkward and wouldn't come in, so we left her our - it then rained pretty heavily.
We woke up in the morning when post man knocked with a parcel - opened the door to see him looking very green and faint. Looked at the doorstep and figured out why - Her Highness had left half a mouse on the doorstep, eaten the other half, and thrown it back up all over the doorstep in a blood-stained chunky vomit streak.

Autumnchill Sun 03-Jul-16 13:49:08

Four cats, four trays and if I don't clean out whichever one has been used by the time his highness wants to use it, he will just pee on the floor, or on my shoes, or in my Karen Millen bag.........

cozietoesie Sun 03-Jul-16 14:24:47

Seniorboy uses a tray and comes to announce to me that it's been used and requires cleaning. There and then! grin

(To be fair, he does allow me a lie-in in the mornings but then he knows my lines in the sand by now. wink)

Autumnchill Sun 03-Jul-16 14:32:18

Our second eldest has trained us at between 8.30 and 9pm to give her treats. She appears from nowhere and stares at us,M then the other 3 start circling and there is a routine!

Throw hers, break one up for third eldest, break up one for eldest, throw another one to distract first cat, break up last one for youngest who won't come and get it, you have to take it to her! Then the second eldest goes on a hunt to see if any haven't been eaten. Divas the bloody lot of them.

Best go, youngest is staring at me through the door to come back in, having only just gone out!

cozietoesie Sun 03-Jul-16 14:51:26

Ah Yes. The Look! grin

AnotherUsernameBitesTheDust Sun 03-Jul-16 15:22:13

It was my youngest DCs birthday the other day. Oldest DC let DCat in, and then joined us upstairs for the opening of the presents.

Obviously this meant that no one was paying attention to the boss of the house. So he shit on the arm of the sofa.

He also bought me a goldfish for my birthday one year.

I prefer goldfish to shit, I will show more appreciation for gifts next time.

LemonRedwood Sun 03-Jul-16 15:50:51

I think it's going to be a long road to forgiveness for the bell. He is sitting on the sofa next to me, but with his back pointedly turned.

Autumnchill Sun 03-Jul-16 17:49:33

Oh the ignoring back turn shock you're in trouble

MyBreadIsEggy Sun 03-Jul-16 18:00:39

My cat is a stroppy bitch who for some unbeknown reason, hates me but adores DH!!
She rubs all over him, cuddles in his lap purring away....then decides she's hungry, comes over to me and bites my toes until I get up and feed her shock
She also pisses in my shoes if she decides I haven't been quick enough to change her litter tray the very second she decides it needs doing.....sometimes she pisses in my shoes out of sheer disdain for me when her litter tray is squeaky clean!! shock
Feels like I'm the OW in her relationship with DH and she is most displeased with me hmm

LemonRedwood Tue 05-Jul-16 20:11:53

I've lasted less than a week with the bell. Cat didn't take it off - I did. I swear the thing was jingling even when he wasn't moving. It was driving me insane.

Autumnchill Tue 05-Jul-16 21:31:19

Well the expensive Worlds Best Cat Litter has arrived so fingers crossed his lordship will deem to pee in the tray and not on the floor next to it!

RustyPaperclip Tue 05-Jul-16 21:58:19

My dear old Siamese boy once decided to swap his litter tray for my pillow in protest for some forgotten misdemeanour. I didn't realise until I had already put my head on the pillow for a minute hmm God bless his little cat soul smile My hair was swiftly washed by the way grin

Autumnchill Tue 05-Jul-16 22:01:57

gringringrin

I remember rolling over one night and in the half light wondering what the nugget shaped thing was on my pillow......one of my cats has a weird bottom and obviously had a clanker stuck when she decided to come and try and wake me up and it worked its way loose on my pillow.

Thankfully I realised what it was before I touched it!!!

Imissmy0ldusername Tue 05-Jul-16 22:30:11

If I've not woken up in time to figure out that elderly cat needs fed, she wakes me up (at 3am) by walking down my face. It's really disconcerting.

RustyPaperclip Tue 05-Jul-16 23:06:05

Our little girl cat often wakes us up in the morning by lying across our throats until we can't breathe. It's quite concerning. We think we may have a little kitty psychopath on our hands grin

problembottom Thu 07-Jul-16 00:21:54

My cat is awful if you go away. I went on a work trip for a week and he blanked me for two days when I got back. Normally he follows me everywhere, I was devastated! DP is back from a five week work trip on Monday and although he's far more excited about seeing our mog than me I've tried to warn him he will be ignored.

When mog was a kitten his fluffy bum wasn't always clean and whenever we tried to sort it out he would run round the house wiping poo on the carpet, the bedding...

His most recent misdemeanour is when we decided to have a lie in post 9am, just before DP went away. Whenever we do this he knocks things off sides to show his displeasure - glasses of water, books, anything noisy. This time he took it up a level and knocked a huge beautiful vase off our bathroom windowsill. It smashed into thousands of tiny pieces and chipped my lovely brand new sink.

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