He was old and had health problems and I suspected this was on the cards at some point but I only took him to the vet to get a better idea of why he had deteriorated a bit in the last week and suddenly we were having The Conversation and I wasn't ready. And all the time my cat was purring as the vet stroked him. It seemed so wrong. But she said it was kinder to do it now before he really started to suffer (he had abdominal fluid swelling plus a tumour and it was making it hard for him to breathe or eat properly) though I barely had time to digest what she was saying before it was happening. In reality she was actually patient and kind, it just seemed fast considering I only brought him in to get him checked out.
I've never had to have an animal put down and I'm a bit overwhelmed by how upset I still feel about the whole process. I stayed with him and sobbed like a baby. I felt so cruel, like he trusted me and I led him to his death.
I know that sounds over-dramatic but I can't help it. I keep thinking stupid things like, he would be lying out in the sunshine right now instead of buried in the garden were it not for me deciding to take him in(DH was suggesting we wait as he was still active/eating,etc but I insisted). I feel so guilty.
I had expected him to be in a much worse state so that it would be like relieving him of his pain/discomfort but it seems really wrong because right up until I took him he was still walking around, eating (though not much), purring when stroked,etc. so it feels very wrong.
Sorry, this post is rambly as fuck - my emotions are all over the shop and I'm not very coherant. I know I'm repeating myself. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
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Had to have my cat put down on Saturday - still feeling traumatised
62 replies
hudyerwheesht · 03/08/2015 14:42
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