"Dear Cat..."(151 Posts)
What do you wish you could say so your cat would understand?
No I am NOT awake yet.
What is that smell? I know it's something to do with you...
What do you dream of?
I go away on holiday sometimes but I promise I will always always come back to you.
Tell me honestly, do you ever jump up on the kitchen worktops when I'm not at home?
You have a cat flap, please use it to get in and out of the house instead of nagging us to open doors and windows for you.
I am not a cushion-on-demand.
I am not a pin cushion.
You are the most beautiful cat in the whole wide world.
Don't creep up and stare at me in the middle of the night.
I'm not going to open the door for you in the middle of the night. Don't keep asking.
I don't actually like it when you put your nose on mine and wipe slime across my face. Who taught you eskimo kisses anyway?
Hey look, a mouse just ran under that rug carrying a bit cat treat! No honestly, it did, chase it, quick!
Why do you follow me into the bathroom and watch me pee? Why? (If I could have one question answered in the whole world on any subject it might be this one.)
Dear Sparkling Cat.
When I go over the road to visit my good neighbour friend you do not need to sit outside screaming for me to come out again.
If you see the asbo Burmese from down the road just ignore it, no need for violence.
Why do you not eat any other food than Felix as Good as it Looks and why only fishy flavours?
I am not your human. This means please don't yowl at 3am when it's raining so that (sucker) I let you in
I am not your human. Do not get in my car, curl up on the passenger seat and look hopeful for a road trip
I am not your human. This is my bed, not yours and sleeping clinging on to me is not conducive to sleep
I am not your human. The window is shut for a reason, warm me next time you jump up, headbutt it and slide down so I can at least film it for you've been framed
P.s yes I now foster rescue dogs. It's not acceptable to come in, look in disgust at the dog bed and then wee all over it
Much as I love you, that does not mean that I want you to follow me down the road every morning, wailing at me not to leave you.
If you want me to keep you in the lap of luxury you have become accustomed to, then I'm afraid I cannot stay home all day looking after you, and have to go out to work.
You were being so demanding this morning I missed my bus, and was nearly late for work. I will return at the end of the day. Get over it, and stop following me !!!
Dear (DMIL's) cat
I let you out the house, but I did not shut you in. You slammed the window yourself with your clumsy climbing in.
I do not need dirty looks for the rest of my visit.
Dear darling cat
Do you know that you're a cat? Cats don't usually like to sit under dripping taps so they get wet, try to jump in the freezer at every opportunity, drink my espresso or my Horlicks.
Where are you putting the birds? At least once a week the hall carpet is a flurry of feathers. Where are the bodies?
Do you remember when you were tiny and you'd put your front paws in my shoes and then 'drive' them around our old wooden floored flat? It was so adorable.
Do you know that I love you more than I love most humans?
The plumber will not harm you. He actually really likes cats and would like to say hello to you.
If someone comes straight to your secret hiding place and gently calls your name in my voice, it is me. You can come out now and get a cuddle.
Please eat the whole mouse, I am phobic and would prefer not to always have to dispose of the rear half myself.
We have no idea what you had experienced before you went to the cat rescue place, but you spent the first three weeks with us hiding under the bath so we guess that you had had some frightening experiences.
You've lived with us for five years and you know you can trust us. You know we will never hurt you, or forget to feed you, and if we go away we will always come back. If we move house again, you will come with us, just like you did last time. You'll doubtless yowl and cry all the way to your new home, but we'd never leave you behind.
I do hope that one day, you'll feel able to walk past me in the kitchen, and let me stroke you. At the moment you will let me stroke you if you are on my bed, but you won't let me anywhere near you otherwise. You have such lovely soft fur and you are such a dear little bundle, I would love to be able to pick you up and give you a cuddle. But if you never feel brave enough to let me do that, it doesn't matter at all.
We love you just the way you are, little scaredy cat.
Catching bats may be very clever (yes, ok, I was impressed), but it is not cool. Please stop it. If you must catch mice, will you please not bring them in and let them go in the kitchen, because they disappear under the fridge and I end up setting traps and, unlike you, I don't like killing things.
Do you realise, btw, that if you stopped bringing in random small mammals and birds then you would be allowed to sleep on beds as you so clearly want to? It's the
promise threat of presents that leaves you shut out with only your own bed or the clean laundry pile to sleep in.
You have made such huge progress from the scaredy hiding in corners rescue cat you were - I would love to be able to snuggle with you at night.
You are my favourite creature, and I even love you when you throw up on the baby's new rug.
I even don't mind getting a crick in my neck when you decide you need to sleep on the pillow next to me, keeping me awake with your purring.
I don't like that you're getting old and stiff, and am trying not to think about how long I might have left with you.
No it is not cute when anyone has a bath and you try and get in the bath.
No the neighbour hood cats aren't all the devil.
My bed isn't yours, yours are downstairs
DSD isn't your personal scratching post
No the fish in the fish tank don't like you terrorising them
Stop hiding underneath the breakfast bar and scaring DSD.
And no I'm not your personal chew toy/ scratching post/ person you can dominate
I do not control the weather.
Why ask to go out then sit at the back door looking in?
You are too old to chase neighbouring cats away.
If you have to vomit then please do it on the lino.
I'm sorry DH is so rubbish at giving you your pills.
Do you feel better now you are on painkillers? Sorry we didn't know you had arthritis.
Please sit on my lap for a cuddle. Did someone once hit you for clawing them when cuddling (rescue puss)
Will. You. Please. STOP. MIAOWING.
There is NOTHING wrong with your supper except that YOU have licked all the gravy off.
Please don't dribble when I fuss you. I know you're being my little baby but it's a bit gross.
And please, STOP MIAOWING!!!
I've never owned a cat before you, but when we rescued you at new year I knew you'd be my sanity saver you see my heart was broken, and my dd had lost her daddy, but you always seem to know when either of us are feeling blue and cheer us up just by lying next to us.
I wish I knew where you'd been before we met you, you're yet to sit on my lap but the arm of the chair is more than cost enough for now, and you seem happy to lean on me
I also wish I knew what it is you clearly say when you come home each day, we hear you across the driveway long before we see you, meowing beautifully as if saying "good evening, tea ready is it?"
I guess I'm officially a cat person now
If you run right in front of me, I'm highly likely to trip over you. One day one of us is going to get really hurt!
I do need to get up now. I have to work. I do need to fit exercise around work too, but running around the garden with you learning how to catch mice isn't my thing. Not every day. Sorry.
Cat A - yes you are cute as button but your chronic flatulence is vomit inducing.
Cat (kitten) B - when you are stuck on top of a wardrobe (because dc lifted you up onto their high bed for cuddles and you scrambled up from there) and someone offers to get you down, don't hide at the back refusing to come down.
Cat C - thanks for the compliment of thinking I'm ready to hunt but I really don't need the live mice to practice on.
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