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Not coping very well...

(14 Posts)
lurkedtoolong Thu 23-May-13 16:14:36

I lost my gorgeous cat on Saturday. From what we can gather he was hit by a car and then his body was taken by a fox.

I'm really not coping very well at all with the loss. I'm almost constantly in tears, I can't sleep, can't eat and even breathing seems difficult at times. People are telling me that this is natural and I just need to grieve in my own time but I can't help feeling that I'm over-reacting. DH was terribly upset at the weekend but seems fine now - so why can I not cope?

I was very close to my cat. I suffered quite badly with depression for a couple of years and a few times I was seriously considering ending it all. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of leaving the cat or a little nudge from him.

I suppose I just really wanted to share how special he was and how much he meant to me. He really was a sweet natured, loving little boy.

cozietoesie Thu 23-May-13 16:23:43

I didn't cope very well at all when my darling Twoago died. Just like you - tears, not sleeping etc. It was a very difficult period for me and all I can tell you is that you do get through it. Eventually.

They're so very special aren't they?

dollywobbles Thu 23-May-13 18:09:38

Hi lurked.
I totally understand what you're feeling. And I agree, it does feel almost out of proportion, doesn't it? Like it's too much. But it isn't. You loved him, he was special and he deserves to have someone mourn him like this.

These cats get us through difficult times, they're always there and they brighten our days. And then, they're gone. And we're struggling with their absence. And that's ok.

I get overwhelmed by it, it stops me in my tracks and takes my breath away. I know it won't be like that forever. Eventually, we'll be able to think about them and smile, remembering their lovely little faces.

It won't always be so raw.

Be kind to yourself x

angelopal Thu 23-May-13 21:00:08

Sorry for your loss. When I lost my first one I was surprised at how upset I was.

There is no set time limit when grieving so take as much time as you need.

lurkedtoolong Thu 23-May-13 22:19:43

Thanks everyone. I think I'm just looking for some reassurance that I'm not going mad. I'm being a little unfair on DH who is being wonderfully supportive, telling me that it's understandable and to take my time. I just think as he's doing ok he must be getting annoyed with me.

It's daft, I just kind of want everyone to know that there was this great wee cat in the world and he isn't anymore...

cozietoesie Thu 23-May-13 22:24:22

Why not make up a little memory book - or memory computer file - about him while your thoughts are fresh ? You can put in photos of him and add to it any time you recall something that you'd previously omitted.

Then you and the rest of the family have got it for ever.

lurkedtoolong Thu 23-May-13 22:26:23

I've been writing a little diary of how I feel but a memory book is a great idea. Given it's the little things I'm missing that are upsetting me at the moment it would be nice to get them down so that they become good memories when I'm feeling less raw. Thank you

dollywobbles Fri 24-May-13 10:10:31

How are you this morning, lurked? I shouldn't think it's getting much easier yet, but maybe the rawness is subsiding? I don't know. It's still really early days isn't it?
My Mum said something that brought me huge comfort, she said that eventually all the cats she's had that have passed have turned up in her dreams. I can't wait to see my boy again - even in a dream. If it's all I can have, it'll do. Really desperate to dream about him now! Ridiculous, isn't it? There was a cat in my dream last night, and I remember looking at it and thinking, in the dream, 'no, that's not you. Not yet'.
I'm still 'seeing' my boy out of the corner of my eye, in places he would have been. I keep looking out of the window, expecting to see him too. And then I get that hideous sinking feeling again and my heart beats too fast and, this isn't really helping you is it!! Sorry. But maybe it's good to know there's someone here going through it with you.
Take care lurked x

lurkedtoolong Fri 24-May-13 12:14:24

Thank you Dolly. I think I might be feeling a little better. Visiting the ILs for a couple of days and I think it helps not to be somewhere that I see him everywhere. Today was first day I woke up and didn't automatically think of him.

What a lovely thought from your mum. I hope that's the case for us both.

I am finding it good to share on here, especially knowing that someone else feels the same. Makes me feel a bit less mad and irrational. What I'd give for us both to feel better.

Hope we both start to get through this soon.

RabbitsarenotHares Fri 24-May-13 16:46:50

It will get easier. But it takes time. Don't try to rush the process, and don't feel bad for feeling upset. He was part of the family and of course you're missing him. It would be strange if you didn't.

You're not mad in the slightest. You think you're bad - when my previous cat was pts I rang the vet and insisted they put the phone next to her so I could say goodbye. I was 600 miles away and couldn't get back. Goodness knows what they thought but they complied! Luckily there was no-one else in the office that day, as I just sat bawling for ages!

So you take care of yourself. If it helps to talk about him here we'll listen.

DoingStuffForHarriet Fri 24-May-13 22:46:24

Oh you poor thing. What a terrible way to lose a much loved cat. How did you find out that he'd been hit by a car? Are you sure that a fox took him?

I'm not surprised that you're not coping. I wouldn't be coping either if this had happened to my cat.

My heart goes out to you.

lurkedtoolong Sat 25-May-13 13:34:29

DoingStuff When DH woke up on Saturday morning there was no sign of him so he looked everywhere. In the afternoon he put some notes through neighbours' doors asking them to keep a look out. A woman came down and told him that she had been woken up at 5am by a "commotion". She looked out her window and saw a cat lying dead in the garden with birds pecking at it. By the time she got some clothes on and got down she saw him being taken off.

We don't know for definite that he was hit by a car, but it seems the most likely answer. That's actually part of the reason I'm not coping - not knowing everything for sure and not getting to say goodbye.

DoingStuffForHarriet Sat 25-May-13 21:55:59

Lurked- that is so awful.

I think that it must have been your boy lying in the neighbour's garden, but if birds were around him, then he must already have been dead. I know that this isn't much consolation but, if it was my cat, I would feel slightly comforted by the fact that he was actually dead when the fox took him, instead of being alive and injured.

I don't know how far your neighbour's garden is from the road, or how busy your road is, but he probably wouldn't have been able to walk very far if he'd been injured by a car so badly to result in his death. Perhaps he died of a heart attack?

It was good of the woman to let you know what she'd seen. My much loved first cat died during the night after being hit by a car. My father found her poor little body lying in the gutter outside our house the next morning. Several days later a woman two doors away told us that her son had actually seen our cat lying in the road on his way home on the night that she died, but she didn't come round to tell us because she "didn't want us to be upset". I was a stroppy teenager at the time and I remember being livid with rage at the woman because I imagined that our cat could still have been alive when her son saw her and we could have saved her.

It's really horrible when you don't know exactly what happened to them. I feel for you.

lurkedtoolong Sun 26-May-13 11:47:07

I've not been a stroppy teenager for a long, long time but that would still send me into a rage.

No matter how horrible it is I'm still very very grateful to the woman for coming to tell us. I would much rather know that he had gone than be sitting at home watching the cat flap constantly.

I'm trying to console myself with the fact it was probably quite quick and I'm positive that he was gone when the fox took him. Still bloody angry though at the fact drivers can just hit cats and there's no need for them to stop/report it when they do. Hate the attitude that cats are less important than dogs and the assumption that people won't love or miss their pets as much.

It's getting a little better every day but still very raw and upset.

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