In absolute bits after my darling youngest cat was run over and killed (still can't believe I'm saying this) on Monday night. The driver wasn't at fault, was incredibly kind, wrapped him up, brought him in and even took me to the vets and back (nearby, I'm car-less at mo, I need to thank him in some way.)
I have really surprised myself at how utterly distraught I am over this, we only had him since just before Christmas and he was meant to be really for my son but I have been crying ever since and feeling sick. The only other time I have felt like this is when I've had a relationship breakdown, I didn't have such a direct physical response even when my own mother died, possibly because it was expected and less of a shock.
Part of it is because he was so young and I was going through the anger stage yesterday as it was the first decent weather we'd had since he was born, and he would have loved it, he deserved so much more life, and I enabled that to be cut short (will get to the guilt in a bit).
Another part is that he really was extremely special. I have two other cats who I love just as dearly but they are pretty independent, sleep on my bed but that's about it. Thor was extremely mischievous, full of character and lively but equally was a real companion cat, wanted to be carried around, happily cradled like a baby (there's a clue!), would wrap himself around my neck, purring asleep and burrow right underneath the duvet so he was snuggled next to me. I have realised this is what I need, a companion, but obviously not thinking about the reality of this at any time soon.
Our morning routine became this: Alarm, Thor pulled at duvet to be let under, I'd lift it up and he'd run down and settle next to me (I have a photo taken only the morning before he died of his little furry paws wrapped around my hand as I stroked him when he was sleeping under the duvet), I'd snooze then get up half an hour later, he'd get up with me, I'd pick him up and cuddle him as I made tea, he'd squeak for milk, I'd give him a splash before sitting down with my tea and he'd then jump on my lap, shoulder or chest to settle immediately and purr contededly, making it extremely difficult to get ready for work once I'd finished my tea!
I can only imagine as he got older he would become even more loving but I'll never know and that kills me. It also kills me that he will never have that chance to play in the sun in the garden and really develop his life and happiness.
I let him escape out front and he was only a baby. I was putting some rubbish out and, knowing he sometimes liked to bolt out the door (never really did this with the back door funnily enough) I should have shut him in the living room to stop him doing it. Once he was out I tried calling him in but from previous experience knew this would be a long and fruitless process and had dinner on. Yes had dinner on, as if that was really important. The times he'd done it before and refused to come in while hiding somewhere unreachable I'd leave it for twently minutes, go back and he'd come in so I figured I'd do that. And I was probably complacent because we live on a reasonably quiet side road and my other two cats, along with many neighbouring ones, have always been ok. But he was just a baby really and a bit of a fearless one and I really should have known. I remember thinking to myself as he bolted to to th other side of the road this time that he would get in trouble someday and that I should have shut him in the living room to stop him and made a note to do so in future. But he didn't get a second chance and the pain of knowing I contributed to that is unbearable. He's now buried
The added problem is I am not a religious person, more scientifically minded. I have tried to comfort myself with thoughts of him being alive in a possible parallel universe or the fact his atoms and energy live on in a scientific sense but I really want to believe HE is up there, out there, somewhere at least having the life he should have had, having fun and playing and being loved. I can now see why reincarnation is such an attractive belief system. I would dearly love to think I could be reunited with him one day.
I am so sorry this is so long, just had to get it out.
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Six month old kitten run over - grief and guilt stricken. Loooong, sorry.
23 replies
Gibbous · 10/04/2013 12:44
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