Sharing a dog?

[igglu]

My kids are desperate for a dog. I'd love a dog and so would my exH. As it stands I won't get a dog because post COVID I will more than likely have to do a couple of days in the office, although I will be working from home the rest of the week. Ex is going to have a similar set up.

So between us someone would always be at home to be with the dog. However we live in different houses as he's my ex.

On paper it sounds like we could share a dog and have it with us on the days we're working from home and ex is convinced this will work. I have doubts though as I think it would be very confusing for the dog, not knowing which house it lived in.

I'd rather go down a route of one of us owns the dog and it stays during the day with whoever is working from home but sleeps in the same home each night, if I even agree to a dog as there are so many other things to consider.

I've raised the issue of costs with him and he said we'd just halve everything but I'm worried we'd have different ideas around training etc.

Please can you let me know what you think? And please don't be nasty if it isn't a good idea, I'm genuinely asking because I want a dog to have a brilliant life and if this isn't a good idea then I won't agree to it. ExH has a way of making things sound great without considering all the ramifications, so that's what I'm trying to do. Thanks!

[BiteyShark]

My dog spends a lot of time at daycare and boards there when we go away. It really is his 'second home'.

Dogs get very used to different homes and in part different rules e.g. if one of you lets the dog on the sofa and the other doesn't.

However, I would worry about sharing of costs and decision making when it came to food and things like vet care etc.

[igglu]

Thanks @BiteyShark. The daycare thing is what's making me think it might be ok, lots of dogs spend a lot of time elsewhere and are fine. So, if it's just about them needing company it could be ok.

Whether I want to have any other ties to the ex is another thing I have to think about. I'd have to plan for being wholly responsible for costs I think.

It's hard because I really really want a dog but I know that I have to be sensible and have their best interests at heart.

[Anotherscentedcandle]

I think a dog could easily get used to two different houses so I don't think that's an issue. I would be worried about being on the same page with training and if you had to make a big decision e.g. the dog has cancer - treat or pts. I think you would have to agree that one person actually owns the dog for these purposes and the other is really just looking after it alot.

[Aquamarine1029]

This is a terrible idea. He's your ex for a reason, and adding yet another layer of entanglement is just madness and a recipe for disaster.

[AriettyHomily]

He's your ex why on earth add a dog into that mix?

[MakeLemonade]

They’ve got children together, I don’t suppose a dog feels like much more of a commitment!

We dog share - family member, not ex - and it works well. Ensure you agree on training methods before you get the dog, read the same books, alternate who takes to puppy classes etc. Practically it should be fine if you communicate well.

[BiarritzCrackers]

My exH and I are considering a similar thing, so interested to see how this thread goes, if anyone comes along who has done it.

Not all divorces are the same. Although we have our moments, ExH and I have a very good relationship. We look out for each others families, and we share a lot of things (including a car share); not least, we co-operatively and happily share DS! We help each other out and are like brother and sister; we just have no attraction and no romantic inclinations toward each other at all.

[igglu]

Thanks everyone. You're right, I'm probably focusing on the wrong thing here. I think it's easier for me to tell him it wouldn't be fair to the dog than it is to say I don't want the tie to him.

This actually started because he asked me if he got a dog would I be able to have it on days he couldn't which I said would be fine and then it suddenly became this sharing a dog business.

Anyway you can't get a dog for love nor money at the minute, unless you're prepared to spend a ludicrous amount, so I do have time to make him see sense.

[vanillandhoney]

I honestly think it would be fine. Lots of dogs go to daycare or to family during the week while owners work.

My dog goes to my in-laws 2-3 days while I work. Different rules in each house and he manages just fine :)

[reginafalange2020]

I don't think it's a bad idea, the dog would be happy enough and it's responsible to consider the dog not being left alone etc. I would probably decide who was the dogs actual owner though and then the other parent is the "dog sitter" so to speak.
That would obviously mean that the owner would be fully financially responsible though so you may not be happy with this, but at least it's a bit more clear cut

[Paranoidmarvin]

I’m planning on getting a puppy from the place I work. It will be coming back to work with me everyday. Back to it’s mum and brothers and sisters. It will be a second bone. I’m hoping it will go well !

[Juiceey]

I think it's fine! My ex look after our pup for us and will do when we go back to work too. He loves him.

[tabulahrasa]

No more confusing than for the DC tbh.

“but I'm worried we'd have different ideas around training etc.”

That though, could be a huge issue...

[spot102]

Though to be fair the different ideas about training etc can occur with both living in the same house! And yes I agree would probably be one of the biggest issues!
I don't think dogs mind too much what they do or where they go or even who they are with so long as they are fed and adequately exercised!

[RedCatBlueCat]

What will you do the day you both absolutely have to be in the office? Who would sorting that responsibility lie with?

[CMOTDibbler]

The biggest thing for me is that this is a commitment for the next 15 years, and would you be able to afford daycare etc if he decided that he didn't want a dog anymore. Also, is he a reasonable person, or would you end up with the dog when he's on holiday, for his days out, if he has a new partner and she doesn't like dogs and so on.
And depending on the age of the kids, are you going to end up with an empty house and still have a dog dependant on you?

[tabulahrasa]

“Though to be fair the different ideas about training etc can occur with both living in the same house!”

Oh of course, that’s why I said it, lol

But, in the same house you can see that - and much easier to discuss and sort out when it’s not your ex...

[TimeWastingButFun]

I think it would be fine, lots of dogs go to doggy day care, I can't really see the difference if you're not likely to argue about it.

[igglu]

Thanks everyone. It's really interesting that the thing I was worried about )the dog being confused) might not actually be a problem.

I think the bigger issues would be around having the ongoing connection to the ex. We get on ok but do have differing opinions on things.

As much as I'd love to have a dog this isn't the way for me. I'll revisit the idea of my own dog once things start to get into a post COVID routine.

[Motorina]

I agree with everyone else. My dogs are effectively dog-share - they go to day care 3 days a week, and stay frequently overnight with the daycare provider when I'm away for work. I'm sure they think of hers as their second home. I'm delighted, because it makes my life really easy, and because the more people they have who they love then the richer their life is.

But I am absolutely clear that they are my dogs. I take all the financial, vet, food, training decisions. Trying to share that with someone else, who was an ex, for possibly 15 years? What if he wants to raw feed and you want kibble? You want to vaccinate (neuter, use chemical parasite treatments...) and he doesn't? Potential nightmare for conflicts.