Follow-up to what the vets and hospital found - support thread please. Massive handhold required. For a long time I fear.

[Kneesbendarmstretchedrarara]

Previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_doghouse/3325644-Please-help-what-are-the-vets-hospital-not-seeing?pg=1&order=

The lovely posters over there have been a wonderful support for me and I want to say a big thankful shout-out to the special ones that stuck with me & helped with ideas initially.

In a nutshell, the illness wasn’t what we desperately hoped it would be. It was a lot worse and catastrophically fatal in the cruellest way.

My baby boy is gone and life has changed for me.

I don’t know how to ride this wave.

All hands welcome. Please.

[DarienGap]

Thinking of you

[Kneesbend]

Thankyou.

Namechanged for simplicty!

Now kneesbend

[percheron67]

I am so very sorry. My heart and thoughts are with you. xx

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Well I’ve just read through your previous thread and I am devastated for you. I must have missed it at the time, we were away in August.

How are you doing? I sympathise. Reading your posts brought it all back from when we lost our old boy. It’s his fourth anniversary tomorrow. He suddenly went downhill and after hundreds of pounds and various diagnoses it was decided that he had a massive tumour where his liver should have been and that was that. We had to make that awful decision on a Sunday morning and I have never seen my dh cry like it. We returned home empty and broken and then we had to break it to the children.

His ashes lay in a beautiful little pouch in dh’s bedside cupboard. He always did like to scoot off upstairs and sleep in our room.

I found Mumsnet absolutely wonderfully supportive at the time. Several posters were fantastic and messaged me and kept in touch. One even led to us finding our next dog a few months later and now I wouldn’t be without him. You’re right about it not being a replacement but an addition. I just knew that I was meant to be a doggy mummy and I couldn’t cope with the empty house every day when dh was at work and the dcs were at school.

They’re like people. They’re all so different. He’s not my old boy but he’s not meant to be, he’s his own person and I love him to bits just like I loved our old boy, just in a different way. He is a different breed though, I wasn’t sure I could have the same breed in the house again just yet. I love my children equally but differently and it’s the same with dogs.

I really hope that one day you can find it in your heart to give another lucky dog such a fantastic and loving home. You might find that you need to do it for yourselves. It might help.

[Grinchly]

Hello @kneesbend- found your new thread
How are you doing today?

[Kneesbend]

Thankyou for posting.

I actually slept better last night.

This morning I was ok, I mean, really ok, like I was 'at peace', I was stuck on the M40 for 2hrs15 mins trying to do just 12 miles so was actually grateful he wasn't in the car with me because that would have been very unfair and uncomfortable for him.... then SLAM!

My best friend hand-delivered some lilies and I just broke down. Bizarrely, it was only the "Thinking of you" wording on the ribbon. It was a reality check I guess that I am not alone IRL & that my non-doggy friend understands. She has had so many miscarriages, she is also grieving. It's crap at the moment.

I am able (more often than not) to watch videos and look at photos now which is good.

I keep thinking back to Pixie Lott's lyrics....Catching Snowflakes. The snow, frost & ice was his favourite activity. He has missed the boat this year, the dozy twit. A lifetime of memories but still not enough

Though it's over
And I cope somehow
In the cold wind's blow
I hear you

What is now a dream
For a while it was real
And I can't conceal that
I miss you

But our love was like catching a snowflake
As it reached our hands
It was ready gone

Though our case is closed
I keep chasing ghosts
Every time it snows
I see you

And I feel no cold
As you lend me your coat
through the pale white glow
I feel you

But our love was like catching a snowflake
As it reached our hands
It was ready gone

This love was not ours to take
It was fated to break
Thought it was beautiful

But I lost you on the way down
Even though I tried so hard
To be with you to hold on to
You with all my broken heart
But I lost you on the way down

But our love was like catching a snowflake
As it reached our hands
It was ready gone

This love was not ours to take
It was fated to break
Thought it was beautiful

Catching a snowflake
Was like catching
It was catching a snowflake

[Kneesbend]

Just received todays post 4.40pm!?

The most beautiful personal card from the kennels with a refund they really didn’t have to send to me. So kind. So very kind.

[percheron67]

Kneesbend What a beautiful thought! They must also have loved him. Something to treasure always.

[BiteyShark]

The card is lovely from the kennels and as your non-doggy friend has shown, dogs touch lots of peoples hearts in so many ways

[Grinchly]

What very kind gestures people are making, and , although they may provoke fresh tears, how very comforting. I am so pleased there are such supportive people around you.

[Kneesbend]

I really want to watch the Supervet tonight- he’s my hero - but I really don’t know how I am going to react. It’s either going to go one way or the other. Sods law that possibly for the first time ever it has a dally.

[Grinchly]

I love supervet too! I heard a brilliant interview with him on R4. He really struggled for a long while before hitting his stride apparently.

Did you watch? I missed it. I think a Dalmatian will be in one of them so perhaps you could read up and check beforehand?

Reminders are all over aren't they. I still get a lump in my throat when I see elderly terrier types, esp if they are black. Feel the need to rush over and fuss them. I usually do She died a very old lady after never quite recovering from a stroke/ seizure so I had time to prepare and having a remaining dog helped.

When my boy died, very suddenly, a year later, ( first anniversary in January) the shock was immense-and re-opened her loss all over again. People quickly began asking if I would have another, and if I could, I would have done but there are various practical issues preventing it.

Nothing would ever replace either of them but it would give me something to focus on. I have tried walking other people's dogs, but it's not the same.

[Kneesbend]

Hi grinchly,

I did watch it through a few tears, especially when Peppa the dally was on the screen. I was expecting it so had time to get my head around it. My worst nightmare (second to what has already happened) is seeing a dally on the street unexpectedly. I know that will hit me like I have been hit by a lorry, not looking forward to that. I know there’s one in the village but I’ve not seen him since before this latest incident took place. I know it will take me back to where I don’t want to be but like you, that urge to get all motherly and hands-on is just something so natural and can’t be fought. I am sure their owners don’t mind

I actually did very well, I didn’t need an entire box of tissues

There’s something about anniversaries, isn’t there? I need to get to the 10 day mark so I have reached double figures...tomorrow. Then I’ll have the month one, from then kn psychology I hope to start getting rid of this dark heavy loaded cloud that’s in my head and sucking my personality dry.

Funnily enough a relative did ask me to walk theirs. I did but it was emotion-less. It did nothing for me at all, was just going through the motions. Worked today in an environment with 2 young pups, so very affectionate and loving, I actually managed to photograph them. I was fine while my mind was occupied but then the drive home just crushed me, especially as Alfie’s head wasn’t in my rear view mirror like it should be. Amazing how the indifferent, small but somehow best memories pop back.

DD (age 4) came home from her childcarer this afternoon having done a family portrait. Apparently she did it in September. It’s already been framed and is on display. I couldn’t not have it up.

[minkies11]

Wish I could do something to comfort you - it's an awful bereavement and hits so hard it can take your breath away. Hugs

[BuffysFavouriteStake]

Oh kneesbend
I'm so, so sorry to hear your news. Take care of yourself hunni, big un-mumsnetty hugs from me and my 'kids'. Oh, and lots of

[Kneesbend]

They were joined at the hip.
Thankyou, having people that understand helps a lot xxx

[Kneesbend]

My 2 babies.

[Grinchly]

I love those photos. What a beautiful boy. And what a lucky dad to have such a fabulous doggy friend.

You're doing so so well, you really are.

I think I'll watch Noel on catch up this eve.

Glad you understand about needing to fuss other dogs- I nearly always have a word as I just love the interaction and miss them so much. Agree, dog walking is no real substitute at all. It's all about that precious bond we have with our own, isn't it.

[Kneesbend]

Did you manage to watch it?

Struggling. My breath is taken away every time I walk into my bedroom and he isn’t curled up on my pillow. Or standing in the utility room waiting for me as I enter from the garage. Or jumping onto the sofa in DH’s place as he gets up to make a coffee. Or in the bathroom leaning against me when I am on the toilet!

So weird, almost uncomfortable, having spare time each day. Desperately trying to keep busy.

My parents aren’t doggy people so don’t get it at all, they have phoned me once only, the following night. 11 days ago. No card either. Even the in-laws who looked after him haven’t contacted me & they have dogs.

Anger is setting in now, because of them and the fact that Alfie trusted me with his life and I killed him. There’s no glossing over it. It’s my fault, entirely my fault. I built that bond, I mastered his body language, I took him everywhere with me. Even my workplace.

I built it up and now I have to deal with how I ended it.

[Grinchly]

Lovely, it wasn't your fault, it really really wasn't. Please don't torture yourself. Would it help to speak to or email your vet if there is anything especially worrying you? I did that with my collie boy and it was so helpful. He had a chronic condition managed with anti inflammatoires but just suddenly and rapidly went down hill. He had been climbing mountains six months earlier.

It can work the other way too - with my girl, she was very old but kept declining and rallying again. They say you know the right time, but that isn't always the case and I began to worry I might be prolonging her life for my sake rather than hers. Again I talked to the vet who assured me they would guide me to the right decision. Sorry to go on about me. Just trying to give another perspective.

The reminders are everywhere. I didn't dare go out walking for months as I knew it would bring back the loss. I would almost see them running through the woods. And a walk is no fun without a dog really.

I understand that non doggy people don't get the enormity of the loss but some are almost cruel with it. My collie died in the middle of my mother being in hospital. I visited her as often as I could ( not local) but I had to miss many visits after he died as I knew her reaction or rather non reaction would upset me even further. When eventually I did pluck up courage to go and tell her, the tears were streaming down my face and I explained things hadn't been easy. She just snapped at me saying things weren't easy for her either. I will never forgive that. She has never mentioned him since.

Yes I watched it. What an amazing gift he has, that man - with the families as well as his patients.

Churchill said "when you're going through hell, keep going" - very wise words , I think.

[Kneesbend]

The story of your Mum is just so sad. It just confirms you can’t choose your family, eh? It proves that the bond and closeness with our furbabiea is as genuine as it gets. I just don’t understand how they can be so detached from our emotions. I am sorry she doesn’t talk about it now, such an important part of our lives just squashed and diminished by them.

As usual you’re right! I have to drive past ‘our fields’ on a daily basis and it crushes me. I still see him walk along the hedgerows. As I’m writing this there’s a meerkat advert on the TV which has set me off - he would attack the television because he didn’t like the accent!

I spoke to the vets in person the day after when I took his toys to be with him. She found a quiet room. I asked her if he hated me. She said that no he didn’t. He was so poorly that if he was human they’d have induced a coma. She explained that he wasn’t happy and was very clearly in pain, that the neurologists at Davies in the summer (from my other thread) confirmed that the decline meant his illness was terminal. Normally we would be asked to wait in the car as he was so nervous in the waiting room that he was so gobby and mouthy he’d upset the other patients. That day he laid on the tiled, cold, hard floor, motionless for 4 hours unaware of the fuss being made of him. I kept kissing his nose and black lipstick- normally he’d not have liked me breathing into his face & would have turned slightly. The vet reassured me that he wasn’t Alfie as she had known him. They had run out of tests to do. He wasn’t winning any of the battles. I don’t think he’d have even survived the car journey to the hospital. I just can’t help but feel I made the decision.

I thought I wouldn’t doubt it, that I’d remember how he was suffering but as that fades, I’m questioning my decision. Maybe take it as a positive that I am trying to recall the good times. Watched a video today, a year ago today exactly, we had snow. Alfie’s favourite. Nothing wrong with him at all, still a ball of highly-strung energy asking for a snowball to be thrown for him to catch.

It’s gone so wrong.

Please talk about you x

[Kneesbend]

For anyone that’s interested, Alfie is back home now 😢

[Grinchly]

@kneesbend so sorry I have been absent for the last few days. So Alfie is back home . I am keeping my girl with me till I die. Her ashes are on the mantelpiece in a battered old tin I found in a charity shop - it has a black dog on the outside and felt perfect. Her blue ring is on the top. My ex has custody of our boy's ashes. I don't want to sprinkle them. I want her with me. I may look at the jewellery option too but don't want to use all of her. Oh it's too awful isn't it.

I am so pleased you are looking at videos and remembering happy times. I think that is so healthy actually. I was a coward and didn't for ages and I think that made it worse. Meg loved the snow too. She would run along with her nose to the ground creating a huge snow plough effect. She loved snowballs too

So glad your vet showed such compassion. I hope her words have helped to see it wasn't your fault. My boy died at the surgery. His decline was so rapid it was clear he wasn't himself anymore, just like Alfie. Meg died in my arms - the vet came to the house and she was crying too. I am now as well but that's ok. ( I always say 'died' as put to sleep is for me a euphemism I don't really like)

The thing with grief is we think it's linear, and it really isn't. The stages people speak of are very real,and help to explain the process but I think we can go round and round, revisiting the various stages . In some ways I am grieving more for Meg now coming up,to her second anniversary, than I did at points last year. We just have to live through it as best we can.

I hope this thread is helping a little- and apologies again for my absence. Writing on here is helping me too. Thank you for validating the stuff with my mother. That means a lot

[Grinchly]

ps if you would like to pm me instead or as well that would be fine too .

[Grinchly]

@kneesbend
Are you ok ?