DH and another dog

(25 Posts)
myohmywhatarainyday Sat 06-Oct-18 14:10:01

Our dog was pts a month ago.
I’m devastated, obviously. But I really want to help out with another dog.
The house is deadly quiet, I miss the pitter patter of feet and the kids miss having a dog.
I really really feel like I need an animal in the house, not another permanent dog as I know it’s far too soon, but a foster dog or cat, or friends dogs when they need a day here and there or for a weekend.
Only problem is that my DH is refusing point blank to have another animal anywhere near our house as he thinks it’s disrespectful.
He won’t let me foster for a charity, or even have a friends rabbit while they’re away.
I obviously respect that he’s feeling sad still, but I feel it’s a nice thing to do. We loved our dog so much, that now we want to help others in his memory.
He’s said that if I have a friends dog for a day (which I’ve already agreed too as didn’t ask him first as didn’t think he’d mind) then he’ll leave the house for a day.
What have other people done after they’ve lost a dog? Maybe I’m being too unreasonable.
He never puts his foot down about anything, but he went absolutely berserk when I told him so obviously feels strongly about it.

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RangeRider Sat 06-Oct-18 14:12:08

If he feels that strongly then I'd wait a bit. I think that it's nice that he considers it disrespectful, though I totally get how you're all missing DDog.

myohmywhatarainyday Sat 06-Oct-18 14:15:18

We are just really clashing re this.
Maybe he’ll feel a bit more ready after Christmas.
I think it’s a great memorial that we loved him so much that our lives feel so empty without a dog and it’s a testament of what a great dog he was.
But apparently I’m disrespectful and selfish to bring another animal into the house.

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myohmywhatarainyday Sat 06-Oct-18 14:16:08

And I definitely do not want a permanent dog yet as that will feel like I’m replacing him.
Just want a dog around for some company!

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Singlenotsingle Sat 06-Oct-18 14:22:23

Get the dog. If he wants to go out for the day, let him. How long is this "no pets" policy supposed to go on for? Foster a poor dog that needs a home. My dp said "no dogs" but i went out and got one anyway. He fell in love with her as soon as he saw her. I've even caught him giving her a kiss on the head when he thinks I'm not looking.

Spilledmycoffee Sat 06-Oct-18 14:28:20

I think I'd still take the friends dog for the day and tell dh its just this once because you've already said you would and honestly didn't realise he'd mind.

Then leave it for a while, I think. He wants to spend time honouring ddogs memory without any other dogs present, which seems fair enough.

Then bring it up again in a couple of months.

Letsnotargue Sat 06-Oct-18 14:32:43

I know how you both feel - I lost my dog 18 months ago and much as I would love a dog it just feels too soon. I like this poem - I know it’s anthropomorphic but I’m sure my dog would be happy with me rehoming another.

The Legacy

When humans die, they make a will
To leave their homes and all they have
To those they love.
I, too, would make a will if I could write.

To some poor wistful, lonely stray
I leave my happy home.
My dish, my cosy bed, my cushioned chair, my toy.
The well loved lap, the gentle stroking hand,
The loving voice.
The place I made in someone's heart.
The love that at last could help me to
A peaceful, painless end,
Held in loving arms.

If I should die, Oh do not say,
"No more a pet I'll have,
To grieve me by it's loss"
Seek out some lonely, unloved dog
And give my place to him.
This is the legacy I leave behind -
Tis all I have to give.

--author unknown

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myohmywhatarainyday Sat 06-Oct-18 14:39:26

Literally cannot read that poem.
It’s too sad.
But I feel the same. It would be a great legacy for him (the dog) to foster another dog.
DH is being difficult about it though. Saying he won’t stay in the house, or touch it, walk it, feed it or pick up poo in the garden if I go against his wishes/feelings.

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LaurieFairyCake Sat 06-Oct-18 15:13:52

Oh that fucking poem! Literally crying at the kitchen table like a lunatic sad

I can only say I felt like your Dh and was utterly wrong. I spent almost 2 years grieving for my dog, saying I couldn’t have another, wailing over my loss at different points.

One day when all alone (Dh was working away and it was 2 weeks after dd left for uni) I thought I just can’t carry on in this house alone weeping over my pets (the same 2 year period all the cats had died of old age too).

So I persuaded Dh to go and look at a puppy. Well we got said puppy and I was instantly transformed - all the space and love in my heart opened up to accommodate this mental ball of terrier bitey bastardness.

And I instantly knew I’d done the wrong thing waiting so long. That my much loved dog had a great life and a good death in my arms.

I will never wait again. Thankfully we have an endless capacity for love.

My girl is now 2 and I love her more than I ever thought possible.

MrBeansXmasTurkey Sat 06-Oct-18 15:36:28

It sounds like your dh is still very sad about the loss of your doggie so I would leave it for a bit longer and not do the fostering right away. If he never normally says things like that. It is very hard losing a dog so I would be understanding for now. Give him a few months then raise the subject again and point out that you miss ddog too and always will but a new dog isn't a replacement but an addition to the family. We always say our first dog is our angel dog watching over the family and our new dog.

myohmywhatarainyday Sat 06-Oct-18 15:59:25

It’s a resounding no from him.
Even read him the poem and tried to explain that our old doggie wouldn’t mind and it’s a positive thing as it shows how he completed our lives.
But no.
Will try again in a couple of months.

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MrBeansXmasTurkey Sat 06-Oct-18 16:25:57

I do think its best to give him some time and not let this disagreement come between you. However, I totally understand why you feel the way you do about missing having a dog around. I don't think either of you is right or that it means you didn't care about the dog as much you just feel how you feel. I would say that if you are a dog lover you generally want to be around dogs. We missed our old dog, and still do, but we also missed having a dog in general and doing the things you do with them, like going for walks etc.

Vallahalagonebutnotforgotten Sat 06-Oct-18 17:59:34

Not sure if this would help you but rescues are always looking for volunteer dog walkers. You could get a doggy fix without needing to take the dog to your house.

Singlenotsingle Sat 06-Oct-18 18:07:10

You could do dog walking as a business?

adaline Sat 06-Oct-18 19:32:53

It's not been very long, I think you need to respect his feelings on this.

But I also don't think you should get a pet without both of you agreeing to it. Pets of all kinds involve work and all adults in the house need to be willing to take on that work if necessary.

I totally see where you're coming from and I hate living without animals - we have three and I think if we lost one, it wouldn't be long before another came along. But if DH wanted a break of a few months I would have to respect that. It's his home too.

In the meantime, could you volunteer a couple of days a week at an animal shelter, or go on a website like Borrow My Doggie? So you take the dog out for a few hours but it doesn't affect your home in any way? Or ask on local groups on Facebook if anyone needs their dog walking occasionally?

myohmywhatarainyday Sat 06-Oct-18 19:47:50

We’ve had a big sit down chat and he’s said I can do a couple of days dog care for friends here and there. As long as it is me doing the care!
So that’s something I suppose.
Also been moaned at by my parents, who got roped into doing all of our doggy daycare and holiday care for the past 10 years. I think they are enjoying the fact that they won’t be so relied on, even though it was only about 6 times a year they had him and they walked him once a week.
So if we did ever get another we would probably have to find alternative arrangements. I think they still feel pretty raw over losing our doggy too as they thought a lot of him, so they don’t want to feel like he’s being replaced either which is why they’re digging their heels in and are also very anti getting another.
So all in all maybe waiting a year might be a good idea.

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Daisygirl1991 Sat 06-Oct-18 19:54:22

I think a month is a really short time and your DH isn’t being unreasonable! I wouldn’t push too hard as he’s clearly really upset at the thought of it and i actually think that’s a lovely quality, a lot of men would hide their emotions over the loss of a pet!
If you really miss having a dog in the house wait a few more month and try talking to him again
So sorry for your loss, I had a dog from the age of 6 until I turned 21 and she moved into my first home with me and everything, I still get upset sometimes and I lost her 5 years ago 💔

almondsareforevermore Mon 08-Oct-18 20:27:52

We’re all different on emotions around death. I cannot live without a dog and have got a new one very soon after losing each precious pet. That’s not disrespectful to the one who died. I didn’t stop loving or grieving for my dog, I had to fill the unbearable void.
My present pup arrived just three months after I lost the dog I adored. He has kept me company and busy and given me a reason to get up in the mornings.

missbattenburg Mon 08-Oct-18 20:42:32

even though it was only about 6 times a year they had him and they walked him once a week

Each to their own but this would be a lot, to me. Just commenting in case it helps understand their pov.

myohmywhatarainyday Mon 08-Oct-18 20:53:19

Yeah I agree my parents did a lot of dog sitting for us!
They never complained, but I think they’re getting older now and it’s one less thing they need to worry about. I expect it’s stressful caring for someone else’s dog and everything that comes with it. Especially as he had separation issues so couldn’t be left at their house without barking so every time they wanted to go out they’d have to pop him back into our house!
But yes they’d have him for a night or a weekend every 8-10 weeks.
If we did get another we would have to change that and get them used to going to a doggy boarder.
Couldn’t do that with our old dog because of the separation issues. The only person he would settle for was my mum if we were away.

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GlitterEverywhere Tue 09-Oct-18 04:02:36

Am I the only one who thinks your DH is being a bit of a twat and it’s seems to be ALL about his feelings and nothing at all about yours?

Anyway, perhaps look at the Cinnamon Trust. They look for volunteers to walk the dogs of elderly people who can’t anymore. You could build a great relationship without having a dog in your house.

BiteyShark Tue 09-Oct-18 07:05:52

A month is still a short time. Whilst you want to fill that hole with another dog it sounds like it's too raw for your DH right now. Both of you are just grieving differently but I would say that you have lots of options to help fill your doggy hole with helping out and walking others dogs whereas it would be something your DH could only solve by leaving the house if you rescued one. I therefore think you should look to volunteer and back off pushing your DH into another dog which is far too soon for him.

I also think you need to listen to your parents and if you do get another dog in the future ask them whether they want to look after the dog. My parents used to assume I would look after their dog after I left home and it just wasn't practical for me or the dog so I eventually had to say no more.

Lucisky Tue 09-Oct-18 08:12:15

I can understand your oh missing your old dog, but to say, because of that, you can NEVER have another dog - or cat or rabbit or hampster - is a bit extreme. Surely the most reasoned response would be to say, well, not at the moment, but I'll see how I feel in a year, or whatever.
I do wonder if it has got more to do with the tie dogs (and all pets) are (even though we love them dearly) and the amount of dog sitting help you needed.

Dragongirl10 Tue 09-Oct-18 19:15:32

remind your DH of all those poor dogs sat in a shelter just wanting a kind home, and ask him if he would refuse one lucky dog a home just because he is so sad.....

When l lost both my dogs l was beyond devastated each time, but l actually only started to feel better when l had a puppy to start over with, it doesn't mean l loved my dogs any less.

myohmywhatarainyday Tue 09-Oct-18 19:22:57

The majority of shelters won’t even look at us as we have preschoolers.
I’ve found a charity that lets you foster dogs with kids.
Got our day dog sitting coming up in a couple of weeks so will see how that goes down.

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