My girl has gone

[NotAnotherNightIn]

13yrs was far too short for such an amazing friend. She passed away in my arms yesterday, she held on til all the family were home. I felt her last beat, last breath, told her I loved her, told her I was always at her side. It's too raw and it's ripping my heart to pieces. My emotions are incredible, feel like ripping the universe open and letting everything just get sucked into oblivion. She was my child before I had children. She knew more about me than I knew about myself. She forgave me when I told her off and showered me with good honest kisses when I cried. I will grieve for her forever, she's been through so much with me. I feel such incredible honour that she chose to finally give in only once I held her.
I know some ppl will not understand the extent of such a bond but I know others will.
To all those who have lost their greatest friend you're not alone in your grief and I'm sure they never leave our side.
I'm sorry if this post is upsetting, I've put my feelings on paper but that's a personal message to her and my family and it feels isolated. I just wanted to ease the isolation and have a bit of a public sob. X

[Elphame]

I am so so sorry - I remember all my dogs with love and miss them still.

[mineofuselessinformation]

It sounds like you were very lucky to have her - and that you know it.
I've always thought that dogs are best friends, wrapped in fur.
My sympathies to you.

[missmouse101]

She knew she was always safe and loved.

[lcc7]

So so so sorry I know this feeling. I had 2 best dog friends and one best cat friend. I loved them. All are dead now. I'm still broken. I cry almost every night for the dog who died last July. He was so very gentle and loving. And no one really understands. to you, you are not alone.

[lcc7]

I feel such incredible honour that she chose to finally give in only once I held her.

you are VERY VERY lucky

[lcc7]

and so was she

[DramaAlpaca]

I hear you OP. I understand that bond & how much it hurts. I've had a precious dog die in my arms too.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your lovely girl

[NotAnotherNightIn]

Thank you all for your sympathy. My gentle love to you Icc2 for the pain. I thank all the stars above my hands held her at that critical moment. They are such special creatures. They give absolute love, they love greater than some humans. My dh has organised the local pet crematorium to arrange her final adventure. When she was taken my heart tore, I had to tell myself that she will be back. I could not stand the thought of her being in the cold ground and to be honest I'm a bit hysterical in some moments and although I managed to give her the last of my strength for her last moment I find myself trance like one moment and completely unstable the next.
Thank you missmouse for that comment that settles my heart a little.
Mineofuselessinformation, very true, I was both lucky to have her, thank you for reminding me, and the only difference is fur x thank you also elphame

[NotAnotherNightIn]

Thank you Drama x

[fleshmarketclose]

I am so sorry for your loss ,run free old girl and know you are loved.

[honeyroar]

It's horrible. My heart goes out to you. 🙁 I lost my beloved girl before Xmas, and while the shock has gone and I've got used to not seeing her, I miss her and can still end up sobbing out of the blue. Her best (canine) friend is still here and he's been left reeling too. That's been the saddest part. How lovely that she died with you though. I went out the night my dog died, I knew she was ill, but didn't know she was that bad, and I would give anything to turn back time and have been cuddling her. It tortures me that I went out.

[ScreamingValenta]

I'm so sorry for your loss . You gave her a wonderful life filled with love, and she will always live on through your happy memories.

[Phoenix76]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I started my very first thread on MN in November as I lost my beautiful boy Billy. I’ve honestly never known pain like it. MN probably saved me as I went to a very dark place because of it and the support I got was incredible. I think about him many times a day, it still hurts but I know he would want us to carry on and celebrate his life not drowning in grief. You know you gave her an amazing life and we should cherish and hold close the love we were lucky enough to receive from these truly special souls. Virtual hand hold from me 💐

[NotAnotherNightIn]

Thank you for all your lovely messages, they really mean so much. I did spend the morning sobbing uncontrollably, now that her body has gone, I know I will get her back but the thought I can't stroke behind her ear again hits me like a tonne of bricks. The thought of a day without her just crippled me. I have 2 young children and my youngest is emotionally lost. He is nearly 3 but he's gone to the door and sat there crying, he's become very insecure in such a short space of time, refusing to be left alone. I know my old girl treated the kids as if they were her own so I know she'd be kissing their face all over to cheer them up right now. They were there also when she left this world but they obviously weren't aware of what was happening. My eldest gave her a kiss before the end, I know how precious that will have been to her, she doted on the kids. I'm very cautious of telling ppl why my face looks like a slapped backside right now because I'm all too aware how ppl can easily trample over such an incredible bond. I've met humans who couldn't care less for other humans, even their own family members, God only knows how vicious they would be to the passing of such loyal friends. Ive calmed a little, still not eaten...dont think I could physically swallow. I put a brave face on for the kids and have been occupied with them. My eldest drew a picture of her which was an actual moment of calm and love where I realised how much she really meant to the kids...i think I became a little too consumed in my own feelings to be able to give comfort. As you can probably tell I'm a still a little all over the place. But at least I know from comments that I can cry about this, not just now but in a days time, a months time, and for as long as I'm able. Her little life impacted on mine in ways I never anticipated. I'm keeping her basket, she wasn't one for toys or chews (would much rather sticks that the dcs found for her), will donate the food to local rescue centre. To all those that have lost recently, you are never alone in that grief, others will have felt that pain and will feel that pain for a long time to come, and your best pal will be there always, giving you that 'look', that 'lick', that special way only they can rest their head or paw upon your hand to let you know 'they are there'. X

[honeyroar]

You're bound to be all over the place. I don't think that my husband and I stopped crying all weekend, thankfully at different times. I missed the cuddles and her ears too. Our girl was the cuddliest of our dogs, but our other two actually were lovely if they heard us crying. Silly things make you cry, for us it was feeding the other two and not having her do her teatime dance while she waited, the first time I came home from work and there weren't enough dogs waiting at the door. But time does heal and even though I still miss her and cry now and again it's not as acute as when she first went. Focus on your memories and how lucky you were to have all those years and good times. Hugs to you.x

[StandardPoodle]

I have been there, it's over 3 years since we lost our old girl and I still miss her.
There will be a massive dog-shaped hole in your heart. It does ease with time but you never forget them.
One day it may feel right to have another dog - we have our girl's successor lying beside us. The new one cannot take the place of our lost girl, but has gained his own place in our hearts.
My heart goes out to you.

[IPokeBadgers]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[Mustang27]

I lost my girl in January it's still awful. I keep thinking she is there and then realising she isn't. All my love and hugs to you and your family it's not easy

You were both lucky to have each other

[pigsDOfly]

You obviously loved her so much and all her life she would have known that you loved her. That's why she trusted you to hold her and love her at the end, that trust and bond is priceless.

They're here for such a short time and give so much.

So sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

[NotAnotherNightIn]

My girl was brought home yesterday. Seeing her basket was the hardest thing...she was taken out in it, I'd wrapped her up and put her there as though she were asleep. My youngest saw the basket and demanded that she be brought back which was heart breaking. So a morning spent hysterical again, my youngest had tired himself with his own crying so I saved mine for the time he was asleep. Last night was 1st time I'd manage to eat something although I felt sick. I've been through all the symptoms of grief, wow I didn't think I could love that much! I know she was old but doesn't take away the feeling that life is so unfairly short to such wonderful creatures. I don't really know how I feel about cremation...ive only ever experienced burials for humans and animals through my life...i have planned to get a rose called a faithful friend to plant in her memory...she loved biting my roses! I think I shall place some of her ash in with the soil of the rose. I don't think I could have handled her burial.
Ppl have been generally kind, and those who truly know and have felt the same pain have been amazing. Yes I have had 'well you can get another', but they've been ppl who've never even had a pet goldfish, they are also the type to just say to someone who's miscarried or lost a child 'well you can just have another'...thankfully those ppl are few and far between for me.
So I now send all my love and strength to those who have lost or are losing an incredible soul. Learn to cherish the love they give, it's always true and pure. For those of faith I thought you may like to know if you don't that St . Roch is patron Saint of dogs and dog owners x

[littlemisscomper]

Here's a huge hug for you OP (((((HUG)))))

It's so enormously hard losing a member of your family. Please don't be afraid to cry in front of your children - it's important for them to see that it's ok to grieve like that, to let your emotions out. Allow yourself to mourn together, talk about your girl, and comfort each other.

Maybe you could do a craft activity as a family, making your own photo frame that the kids have painted and stuck glitter/pompoms/stickers etc over to hold a special picture of her? Or you could put together a memory box that they've decorated, and pop some special things in that you'd like to keep - her collar, a stick she would have liked, photos and pictures that the children have drawn of her. You can take it in turns to think of the things you loved most about her, write them down and pop them in the box too. Specialized picture books can help children, even older ones, come to terms with grief. 'Goodbye Mog' is very good, although sad if you know the character well. 'Badger's Parting Gifts' is another more general one. 'Alfie and the birthday surprise' Is another about the loss of a pet. Ask at your local library and they'll be able to recommend others.

I love your idea of planting a rose bush. That sounds like a really personal way to remember her. I know how much it hurts now but there WILL be a time when you feel ok and can remember her with real happiness. It's so cliche, but it does get easier. You have that hollow 'cookie cutter' shape of her in your heart now, but over time it gets filled in. The outline will always be there but it'll be filled with colour and happiness again. That sounds so soppy but I hope you know what I mean. As Dory would say, 'Just keep swimming'.

[Tinkobell]

Not another & honeyroar - big big hugs, I feel your pain. Our westie died very suddenly end of Jan aged 10. All over start to finish in 24 hrs - an undetected, symptomless lung tumour. Just a ghastly, wretched experience to go through. I'm still crying most days - my teenagers thankfully are now bounced back.
Honeyroar - I get that guilt thing totally. My dog died without warning on the Saturday but the Thursday prior I had a bit of a rage (dropped a pot of oil) and yelled in frustration making the dog shake. Of course, had no idea dog was terminally ill - so feel like a bag of old shite-owner for stressing the poor thing out when he was dying. Just have to live with that. I loved the bones of our westie. He passed away fully morphined up and I could tell it was a relaxed passing. So we have that at least. It's a horrid horrid loss to bear.

[pinkbraces]

Im so sorry for your loss - my girl is 8 and I dread to think about the time she is not with us.

for you

[honeyroar]

Thank you Tinkobell, and hugs to you too. I cling to the fact that she died in her own home with her best canine friend next to her, and I wonder if I'd been there I'd have upset her by being upset. But it's horrible, isn't it.

Notanothernightin, I'd definitely do the rose bush. We planted a Xmas tree over our dog and I go down to the bottom of the garden and say hello all the time. It's nice to see it flourishing too and think that there's a little bit of Honey in that. I know what you mean about the actual burial though. We wrapped her in her blankets and my husband got down in the grave and hugged her, I couldn't look at her in the soil, I could cope with her wrapped up in her blanket but not seeing her. We put her favourite ball and her beloved skateboard in with her too.

Dogs are awesome, so special, but they just don't live long enough.

[Tinkobell]

We had George cremated and poured his ashes into a deep hole around the roots of a lovely Japanese maple. They are acid loving trees and it's good to think after spending a lifetime cocking his leg up all the plants he could just give something at the end. I bought off the Internet this terrier digging statue (head appears to be under the ground) - it's quite comical and a nice not morbid thing to see when you look through the kitchen window. George's death was my children's first real experience of grief and I like to think we gave them the space to feel and say what they needed to. They are now all fine. It's poor Mum who's still sobbing ......you may well find that too Not Another, especially if you are the one at home while they are out at school. Time is going to heal. You are at a tough point with the body returned, it's very very hard to compute it all. I think just accept that you and the kids are in a storm of feelings right now ....but all storms do eventually pass.
Honeyroar from what you describe of the death moment, being cosied up next to your mate in a basket doesn't sound too bad. Our George was pretty out of it once his organs started packing up. I'm not so sure how much they are really taking in at that point, he didn't respond to his name call, any of that. A calm passing sounds ok, it's never going to be nice is it.