Let me start by saying I grew up with dogs and they were always extremely well cared for and adored. Part of the family in every sense of the word.
I'm not making excuses but it's relevant - our only daughter was stillborn (born on our second round of IVF). Don't need to go into detail about how horrific that was. We haven't since been able to have another baby (3 years later).
My DH suggested we get a puppy. I am self employed and work from home, we have a large garden and plenty of time to care for a dog.
We collected a beautiful male 8 week border terrier 6 days ago.
I have all the time in the world to spend with this beautiful animal but I'm just going to say it: I wish I'd never got him. In the interest of being transparent:
- he is a very well behaved puppy.
- he is sleeping well in our bedroom (sleeps in a crate and does business in a cardboard box that I attach to crate. Crate dry all night) we leave him to cry and he settles within 30 mins. He wakes about twice a night for me to let him out. Goes back to bed and cries a little (5-15 mins maybe) and then back to sleep. He wakes about 7am and I bring him to bed for a bit as I think he's suffered enough. I hate ignoring him but I don't want a dog that sleeps in our bed in the unlikely event that a miracle happens and we have a baby someday.
- he is obviously boisterous in the day but he is manageable and trust me, ALL his needs are met and more. If anything I worry I am ruining him by giving him too much attention and I'll never be able to leave him alone in future. I put him in his crate earlier just so I could have a shower and he screamed. I hate that, I find it quite upsetting.
My problem: I can't shake the feeling that I wish I'd never got him. I am sick and angry with myself and feel indescribable shame and sadness. I broke into sobs when DH came home and I confessed. If the breeder called and said that she needed him back I would be relieved. I am overwhelmed with responsibility and a feeling that this isn't right. He isn't a 'fix' for the heartbreak I feel.
He's currently sleeping in my lap and the tears are streaming down my face typing this. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?
You are within your rights to flame me, nothing less than indeserve but know that I feel Sick to the pit of my stomach with guilt and shame at these feelings. Literally everyone I know knows that I have this beautiful boy, I wouldn't even know where to start if I rehomed him and had to share what I've done. It's the lowest of the low in my opinion.