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don't want to be "that owner" but puppy may have to go back to breeder

116 replies

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 07:12

Devastated. We've had our almost 12 week old puppy for a week. She is a very good, chilled out pup and we appear to be making progress with toileting.

However. My middle child has always been nervous around dogs but was so excited about getting the puppy. Unfortunately the reality of having a dog in the house is distressing him enormously - he's hiding in his room, won't come into the lounge if he thinks the puppy is around, can't be in a room with her unless someone's got a tight hold on her collar. After a week he's not improving and although he loves the idea of having a puppy the reality is just too much for him.

After a sleepless night with lots of tears last night DH and I have decided to speak to the breeder and see if she would potentially take the puppy back. We're pretty sure she'd take her.

I really didn't plan on being in this situation. We did our research, found the ideal puppy to join our family and knew what we were letting ourselves in for. The effect on my son's mental wellbeing as not something I had accounted for and we just can't have him uncomfortable in his own home for the foreseeable future. We also think that returning the puppy after just a week is the best thing for her - she's going back to a familiar setting with her mum and sibling.

But still. I feel dreadful about it. My other kids will be devastated. I'm gutted for them and gutted for the puppy. Trying to spin it to the kids that getting the pup was more of a lifestyle change than we had been prepared for as we don't want their brother to feel guilty.

Class A parenting fuck up and I just feel awful.

OP posts:
LemonSalad · 28/07/2017 07:22

Could you pay for a few sessions with a therapist who can help your DS with his dog phobia?

Jenny70 · 28/07/2017 07:30

Puppies are pretty full on, and they seem to gravitate to those who hold back etc. But it doesn't last forever, and your son hasn't had long to adjust to this new energetic creature (which isn't like the ads, very nippy, overexcited etc).

Is there any way you can hold off for a few more weeks to let everyone settle into the new puppy? Crate training puppy, child avoids/minimises contact etc.

My friend's boy was like this for the first month, screamed ran upstairs, stood on couch/chairs, asked if puppy was in room before entering etc. He took about a month to get better and two months to be confident with puppy. He adores it now, 2yrs down the track.

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 07:34

TBH though Jenny I worry about his mental wellbeing in the meantime. I'm sure we would get there eventually but I'm not sure that it's fair to DS - this was his home before we got the dog and it's so upsetting to see him anxious and stressed out because of something we've done. Guilty doesn't start to explain how i'm feeling right now.

Also if it doesn't work out, it's going to be much tougher on the puppy to try to rehome when she's 4, 6 or 12 months than at 12 weeks, especially if the breeder will have her back into familiar surroundings.

OP posts:
LilCamper · 28/07/2017 07:46

Stairgates in doorways could be of use here.

NoSquirrels · 28/07/2017 07:46

How old is your middle child? You seem very concerned- is there a reason (additional needs etc)?

Tbh, if he was always nervous of dogs, a puppy (who are all bonkers, of course) was probably a bad choice. A calm rescue dog might have been better.

How was your son when you visited the puppies at the breeder?

Might breeder have puppy back on a "foster" arrangement and you build up exposure gradually?

It will probably be easy for the breeder to rehome, but you might regret giving up on it. You can't lie to your DC about why though.

Jellybean85 · 28/07/2017 07:52

A week isn't very long, j agree with those saying build exposure.
I think if you return puppy now you very much risk instilling in that child that they're 'afraid of dogs' or unable to be around them.
My mum is afraid of dogs and it sounds silly but it ruins picnics and days out. Perfectly responsible dog owners have perfectly well behaved dogs a good distance from us and she's jumpy and can't relax, constantly ignoring the conversation and keeping an eye on the dog!

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 07:53

he's 12. He was OK when we visited the puppies (twice) at the breeder but both times they were in pens or behind fences to contain them. He is OK with me holding the puppy securely so she can be stroked. He's not OK with her wandering around the house. He won't come into a room if the pup is there, unrestrained. No additional needs, but just a very sensitive child who takes everything to heart and broods on things.

OP posts:
BiteyShark · 28/07/2017 07:54

Personally I would pay for help to get your DC to overcome his fear as a week is a very short time and puppies grow up eventually but it sounds from your last post that you have decided to return the puppy anyway.

Thewolfsjustapuppy · 28/07/2017 08:00

We had a similar problem with youngest DS (7 year old) over the pup. He really wanted a dog but the reality was really upsetting. He had no experience with dogs befor pup and every time we met one he would desperately want to pet it but get it all wrong. The first few months with pup were a little touch and go alas pup had very sharp teeth that she really wanted to use on his feet. He wasn't frightened of her but very nervous- he would jump onto the sofa out of her way every time she came in the room, in the end we got him to wear wellies most of the time. He came to all the puppy training classes but initially wouldn't have a go because he was worried about her taking treats from her hand.

Things slowly improved, we started to hear him talking to pup and including her in his games then telling her to 'sit' and 'leave'. Pup is now 10.5 months and she and DS are always together, they play football, chase, hide and seek, they cwch on the sofa together and laugh at each other Grin she says hello to him first when we come in after leaving her for a bit.

MothershipG · 28/07/2017 08:02

I think you should take the puppy back.

If a 12 year old is this scared of a puppy I'd say you're into phobia territory that may take some time to get over. So it's not fair on your son or the puppy to keep him.

fourpawswhite · 28/07/2017 08:02

Agree with jellybean and others. One week is not enough. You committed to this as a family and you need to look at how you get passed this. Stair gates is a great suggestion. 12 years old is old enough to be part of the going forward discussion and to learn that he was part of the decision in getting the dog so has to be part of the discussion as to how to move on.

Agree with the points about engraining a phobia as well. I don't see how it's fair on the other children or the dog to not work out a way forward.

Ds needs to bond with the puppy himself. I would look for some puppy training classes that he takes puppy to. I've been to loads where this happens. Get the child teaching and handling the puppy, obviously you will be there, but if he is the one doing the class a bond starts to form. He should gain confidence from that as well.

SilverBirchTree · 28/07/2017 08:08

Not so much a parenting fuck up as a responsible pet owner fuck up.

I hope the breeder can rehome the puppy easily, I agree it's better to return it sooner rather than later.

Adopting a puppy when your child is afraid of dogs is a v. silly thing to do.

ineedaholidaynow · 28/07/2017 08:13

Puppies are very full on and they nip. Can be very overwhelming for anyone especially someone who is nervous around dogs.

Not sure what to suggest, as I assume if he is very sensitive he may get very upset if you send the puppy back to the breeder.

I am surprised though that when you went to the breeder the puppies were in pens etc. Whenever we went to see puppies at a breeders they were in the same room as us so we could see how they interacted with us (and I assume so the breeders could see how we interacted with the dogs)

As someone else has suggested could you build up exposure. And I second stair gates, they are useful anyway when you have a puppy.

NoSquirrels · 28/07/2017 08:14

OK , so at 12 you need to be managing his fears and expectations rather than managing the pup, necessarily. You can't just tell the kids it's the lifestyle change you're not used to - what sort of message are you sending there?

He's OK with puppy being held and behind a barrier, so you can build his exposure up gradually.

Stair gates etc. and training classes all good - a sympathetic home-based behaviourist/trainer may be useful in this scenario.

Why didn't the breeder let you have the pup out of the pen and see the whole family interacting with them? You've both dropped the ball on this, I would say.

It will be hard work but I think you should make an effort for your DS's sake. No additional needs and edging into extreme nervousness- you can help him by working through this.

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 08:18

It's so hard. I am really struggling with this and extremely tearful. I do agree that he'd get used to the dog over time but it breaks my heart to see him upset and anxious and My primary loyalty is to the kids not the puppy.

OP posts:
BiteyShark · 28/07/2017 08:23

But you have a responsibility to the puppy as well. Trust me I had all the puppy regret, tears etc but I never gave him up because of the responsibility I took on.

Whilst I can understand that you are putting one of your DCs feelings over the puppy if you do send the puppy back you should be at least honest with everyone and not try and lie as to the reasons why you are doing it.

Bumdishcloths · 28/07/2017 08:24

What breed is the dog? How large and overwhelming is it likely to get? Is the problem really to do with ds anxiety or are there other, peripheral reasons for puppy regret?

stonecircle · 28/07/2017 08:24

If a 12 year old is this scared of a puppy I'd say you're into phobia territory that may take some time to get over. So it's not fair on your son or the puppy to keep him.

Agree with this. A week isn't long and it might all come good in a few weeks/months. But if it doesn't ..... valuable time has been lost to find another home for the pup. At the moment there's a very good chance that the breeder could find another home.

My boys gave grown up with dogs and countless friends have been to the house. A few have clearly not been keen on the dogs and we've kept them out of the way. But I've never known a child as old as 12 to be that terrified. I'd talk to the breeder asap while the dog still has a chance of another home.

MothershipG · 28/07/2017 08:26

To all of you suggesting the OP persevere what if her DS doesn't get over it? How long should she give it? Every week will make that puppy harder to rehome. I don't think it's fair to run the risk on the off chance a 12 year old can lose his puppy phobia. It can take months for puppies to calm down.

MyRedPepper · 28/07/2017 08:28

Send the puppy back to the breeder.
I know this will upset some people in here but your first and foremost responsibility is with your SON.
And the best you can do for the puppy is to send him back to the breeder ASAP.
That way it won't be much different than he had gone 'on hols' for a week somewhere and gone back to where he has always lived. I.e. Little attachment to you and your family, hasn't fully settled into the new place etc...

Sometimes, you can't predict how things turn out. The next best solution is to find a way to deal with it that hurts people and then animals as little as possible.

PoppyPopcorn · 28/07/2017 08:28

I know i have a responsibility to the dog too. But a lesser one. She is a golden retriever- probably the least scary puppy possible but yes she will grow big.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 28/07/2017 08:29

Can DS tell you what he is nervous about?

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MissAlligned · 28/07/2017 08:29

12 yo with no additional needs means he should be perfectly capable of overcoming this.

A week with a new puppy is no time at all. And unless you're kidding yourself and using your DS' fears to mask your own doubts, then you owe it to your whole family and the puppy to help your DS to get through this.

If you give the puppy back all your children will be heartbroken, probably including your 12yo DS. As his parents, I would suggest that rather than teaching him how to give up and pander to his fears, it's your job to teach him how to cope, how to be brave and how to be self aware.

Discuss this with your 12yo and come up with a plan. He will get used to the puppy and eventually enjoy everything about having a family dog that you were all originally looking forward to.

MyRedPepper · 28/07/2017 08:30

The other issue too is that said puppy will grow. Fast. So will move from the small puppy who is getting over excited and jumping around to a much bigger dog still jumping around and getting over excited.
Do you really think that the ds will be able to cope easily with that when he can't cope with it and the dog still being small?

BiteyShark · 28/07/2017 08:36

OP if you want help in trying to manage your DCs fear with the puppy then you will get lots of good advice and hand holding etc from this board.

If you are 100% decided to return the puppy then do it today so he doesn't bond any more with your family as it will have been a big thing to come from his home to yours and then back again so I agree with others in that if you are going to do it do it now.

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