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Dog issue due to relationship split

(33 Posts)
Hotwaterbottle1 Sun 19-Feb-17 10:42:20

Please help or advise I'm so upset.

Marriage been on rocks for a couple of years, had the conversation last April re splitting, told kids in August. He has been very very difficult about moving out but finally gets flat keys in April.

We have had our rescue dog for 3 years now. I love her, like a child. She is amazing. Very laid back, happy, loving. I work part-time and walk her in morning before work, out in generous garden after work & then work then ex was walking her at night or one of kids in spring/summer. Last 6 months ex has barely walked her, no reason why, but then he has been an arse about housework etc too.

We have a written legal agreement that he takes the dog when he sees the children i.e. Eow and some nights during the week. However don't think his new place allows dogs as such & its top floor. She is a very quiet dog though, seldom barks so not likely to upset neighbors.

She does not do well though if left alone at nights for too long & will howl.

What I'm stressing about is if he doesn't take her, I will be stuck at home, literally all the time. I have a new romance but it's long distance and see him every two weeks for the weekend. I can't give that up.

I feel torn. She is my third child. What can I do?

LaGattaNera Sun 19-Feb-17 12:16:24

Surely though you also have a problem if he does take her as he doesn't walk her or look after her properly? Must be horrible for her. What about a pet sitter or a friend who can have her for the times you are away if you cannot take her with you? If you love her like a child, then you can't want him have her as you know she will be neglected and you also say his place doesn't allow pets so whatever the legal agreement says seems to me that he can't really be involved.

OrangeJulius Sun 19-Feb-17 12:35:56

Why can you not use doggy day care?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 19-Feb-17 12:46:26

Could you enlist a neighbour or teen wanting to earn a few quid?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sun 19-Feb-17 12:48:26

I would have offered to help but am still trying to get rid (in the nicest way) of the last dog I helped!!

MumUndone Sun 19-Feb-17 12:52:26

How far do you go eow? Could you take dog with you? Or could your new partner come to you sometimes?

Floralnomad Sun 19-Feb-17 12:57:52

Sorry to be harsh but please don't say your dog is like a third child and then complain that she is getting in the way of your new relationship , what happens if ex h decides he doesn't want to / can't take your children at the weekends ?

Bluntness100 Sun 19-Feb-17 13:00:04

Put her in kennels? 🙄

Hotwaterbottle1 Sun 19-Feb-17 13:20:37

He does look after her as in feeds her, the kids will be there & will play with her and will walk her as well as guilt him into walking her. I'm not concerned about her well being.

He is a decent father, would never not have the kids, that's not a concern either.

You are right I can't say she is like a third child then complain. That is very very true.

I can't afford dog sitters etc. It would be overnight too.

Yes he would come stay with me. He lives 200 miles away though so not practical to take the dog.

georgedawes Sun 19-Feb-17 13:44:16

Why isn't it practical to take the dog? I don't mean that snipply just wondering. It must he 2.5 hours ish? With one stop seems doable to me and your only option really if you can't/won't use daycare.

Hotwaterbottle1 Sun 19-Feb-17 13:49:46

It's a 4.5 hour drive, I can't drive that far, I'm really nervous of motorway driving. It's 3.5 hours on a train.

Hotfuzzed Sun 19-Feb-17 13:52:41

If his flat doesn't allow dogs I think it would be unfair of you to insist he takes the dog and risk being evicted.

stonecircle Sun 19-Feb-17 14:00:28

When I started your post I thought it was about your worries that your ex wouldn't look after your beloved dog properly - not that said dog might get in the way of a new romance hmm.

You can take dogs on trains you know. Or you could man up and get yourself on the motorway! I understand your anxieties about motorway driving but it's really not difficult. Plan your route, use sat nav and get on with it!

Patienceisvirtuous Sun 19-Feb-17 14:02:35

Your options are:

- roping in someone to help nights/when you're away
- walk early morning then afternoon (skip the night walk if at work) - basically two walks that fit with your work pattern
- new romance comes to you
- take dog to new bf's (in the car - get a motorway refresher if it will help)
- rehome the dog (but that will be really really crappy of you and your ex)

Floralnomad Sun 19-Feb-17 14:04:18

I actually don't know what advice you want , dog can't go to ex because dogs are not allowed , you don't want to take dog with you so there are 3 options
1. Boyfriend comes to you
2. Kennels / dog boarder
3. Get rid of dog
If boyfriend doesn't want dog at his or doesn't want to come to yours then get him to contribute to the cost of the dogs care for the weekend . This dog is not your exs problem unless you want him to take the dog ft in which case it's for him to decide what to do with her in general ie find suitable housing where he can keep her or rehome . I suppose you could put her on 'borrow my dog' or similar and see if you can find someone who wants a dog for some weekends .

callmeadoctor Sun 19-Feb-17 14:04:49

Erm, it would cost you (average price £8, £9 a day in kennels) less than £20 for the weekend. It must be costing you for the train fare, surely kennels is next to nothing in comparison?

Patienceisvirtuous Sun 19-Feb-17 14:04:57

Also, I absolutely think your dog should come before your new romance and if you need to give it (the new relationship) up because you can't make it work wrt to your dog, that's what you should do.

callmeadoctor Sun 19-Feb-17 14:06:22

Or your ex could stay in your house and be with kids and dogs, so that your (very long distance!!!!!!!!) romance doesn't suffer!!

Bluntness100 Sun 19-Feb-17 14:10:12

Kennels aren't much though, normally a max of about 15 quid a night. Could you stretch to that?

ProfessionalPirate Sun 19-Feb-17 14:19:22

Are you really considering rehoming your dog? This is not a reasonable or understandable thing to do under the circumstances you have described. You must realise that there are numerous alternative arrangements that could work here (most of which have been suggested by OPs) but ultimately your dog should come before your new romance.

stonecircle Sun 19-Feb-17 14:25:31

Callmeadoctor - Or your ex could stay in your house and be with kids and dogs, so that your (very long distance!!!!!!!!) romance doesn't suffer!!

Brilliant!

FenellaMaxwellsPony Sun 19-Feb-17 14:32:27

Wait, what?! You describe your dog as a third child but resent that it's getting in the way of your new romance? hmm

As PPs have said, why doesn't your ex stay at yours with the kids and dog.

Shambolical1 Sun 19-Feb-17 14:44:48

If your dog really is loved like a third child, you will regret sidelining her - or rehoming her - for your new romance. Particularly if said romance doesn't work out.

Love me, love my dog.

Take her with you; find a non-motorway route. If new romance doesn't want her there I'd be very lairy of new romance.

georgedawes Sun 19-Feb-17 15:30:10

You do have options, motorway driving is easier than a roads when you're used to it, and a necessary skill I think. If you're very nervous you could get refresher lessons and I bet it'd only take a couple to get used to it.

You could pay for kennels - only going to be about £30 month if you split visits.

Your boyfriend could come to you.

Not seeing the problem to be honest, these kind of things are just part of dog ownership aren't they? Or pet ownership even. We're always having to think of how long we'll be out, who'll feed the animals etc..it costs more to go away but that's part of owning an animal.

Hotwaterbottle1 Sun 19-Feb-17 16:36:26

I'm not rehoming her, that's not an option. I guess I'm just upset it was a joint decision to get her but now he does not feel a responsibility towards her. She is a joint responsibility just like the kids. I'm upset thats its me that would have hard decisions to make re boyfriend, he has no such worries. That its me who would have to pay for a dog sitter.

Despite some people perhaps thinking I was thinking of giving up my dog & being a little narky towards me I'm so glad I posted!

My new bf loves dogs & has no problem me bringing her.

I honestly had not thought of motorway refresher courses. I had not realised the cost of dog sitters either. I imagined it much more costly. So it's really helped thank you. I am now going to look into both. I will also ask ex if he would stay here sometimes, which would probably suit kids so they can see friends easier as he is moving out of town.

Thank you smile

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