Please, please, please advise(14 Posts)
Husbands dog, very loved. I have lived on farm whole life with large guard dogs... Love dogs!!
After two years of bliss with hubby I fall pregnant. For the greater part I had taken on doggie responsibilities.. i.e walking, feeding.. he was my dog! Loved him. Still do!
He started showing signs of anxiety while I was pregnant. Weeing up anything I prized.. my PC, the kitchen bin was a favourite. I gave him loads of fuss to try reassuring him. He would always get offcuts of ham/cheese, (never over fed, just treats).
We wanted to do everything by the book to make the transition easier for him. Hubby brought baby blankets home for his bed to get used to smell, so much fuss given to him, especially when then babies came home! Any time he came to sniff one wee gave him loads of fuss 'good boy!!' etc. He always went for walks... we knew that was important for him.
He was always still very anxious and unsure around them. Never left alone... I took responsibility for him. If anything happened I would take full responsibility! If he were to bite one it would be my fault!
As the got more mobile he became more anxious... getting up and getting as far away as he could. In a small house all I could do was let him into the garden or in the kitchen where he was protected by a baby gate.
One day one of the girls approached him and he didn't move to get away. I was there,(my responsibility to make sure all went well). The babies love the dog. She went to put a hand on his fur, he was aware and I was giving him fuss... what a good boy, soothing tones etc. As she rested her hand on him very gently, no hair pulling he went to snap at her. This may have just been a warning but I'm pretty sure being there it would have made contact if I hadn't been there. I grabbed his face before he got to her and gave him a smack around the chops. Not my finest hour..... just a reflex move, not particularly proud of it.
He is now with my mother in law, enjoying three walks a day and a life with minimal baby interference.
The Current Situation:
A while back husband physically restrained me from one of the babies interacting with Silas while he was drunk I don't trust my husband with the dog and babies anymore. Recently he has pleded with me that all he wants is his dog back. He doesn't read signals and takes risks. Silas is a big dog. It terrifies me. My husband tells me I'm dramatic and pathetic. He tells me I can't read his dog, and I have no idea what I'm talking about. So sad right now. This is the only thing we fight over! What in the world do I do? We have him for the weekend, I'm so stressed worrying about whatever situation the girls and I will be put in.
Did you already post about this? Did your husband hurt you? What exactly happened?
Please ask him to look at this website, not because it's a scare story but because every parent with dogs should understand the information in it:
I did, but the situation has changed, added the issue at the bottom
Sounds like your husband is the one that doesn't read signals and takes risks. He sounds horrible. Will your mil take him back too or does she know Silas is the better deal?
Your husband is putting your children at risk. Have you talked to your dh about the dog when he is sober? ......
mil thinks I'm being pathetic, feeling really alone on this one. He only drinks weekends, lovely man. My best friend. It's just this one issue. It's his dog, he loves his dog. That situation happened once, but now I get stressed, he gets stressed. We can't talk about it
So he will be drunk when you have the dog this weekend? Why are you having the dog? I am sorry you feel alone and this is going to sound harsh but he is not your best friend. He doesn't respect your need to keep your kids safe. I have always had dogs too. The reality is some dogs don't feel comfortable round kids. You DH needs to back down on this one. He can't love his dog more than you or his kids surely?
But in all honesty, what can I do? mils needs to visit her mother, she has broken her hip We have him for 2 weeks in April. I have no rights when Silas is concerned. What do I do? Do I leave my husband over a dog??
How old are your DC now?
I would set out clear rules for the dog coming back, have a sensible rationale discussion.
The dog will need to be exercised so that the dog is relaxed and tired.
The dog will need a place to go where the children can not approach it, use stair gates etc.
There must be no drinking as the dog will need to be supervised while at your house.
Frozen kongs will need to be prepared before the dog arrives so that the dog can be feed from these (Away from the children) again to bring down the stress levels.
The dog will need to be on a lead when in the same room as the children as he gets used to them again. The children must not interact with the dog
If that is not possible I would consider your relationship with you DH. If you can not communicate on this issue.......
Although as I said in your original post your dog would have bitten your child in the first instance if he had wanted to - it was a restrained controlled action to warn off your child.
So if the child stays away the dog will not need to react.
However having been away it will be harder for the dog to adjust to having the children around
I just don't know what to do. We had talks last night. The way he talks to me about it. I am to not put down rules. There have been two main fights in our relationship. Each time he hasn't listened until it escalates to the stage where I break down and tell him the only option I would have is to leave him. He brings it up each time. In the context that I'm being childish. Thing is I would never say it without meaning it. It breaks my heart that we are like this. I guess no relationship is sunshine and kittens, and for this to be the worst I should feel incredibly grateful. Day to day we are so good, it's just this
You mean you're good when you're doing as he wants. Sounds like you have bigger problems than the dog.
This isn't a good relationship.
It's easy for everything to be going fine when everyone is happy. Your husband is nasty and intimidating when you do have an issue, though.
Him demanding that you let the dog back could well lead to serious injuries for your children. It's not unusual.
I'd leave, with the children, when he brings the dog back. Return when the dog is gone. The same in April. Your priority has to be keeping your children safe.
I wouldn't expect your marriage to survive like this, though. Your husband is controlling and won't like you standing up to him and not just obeying orders.
Sounds like he could do with reminding that you are his equal, not another pet to be trained.
Totally agree with Muttynutty. Seems like a very sensible way to proceed. If your husband is not prepared to take these sort of precautions then he is putting his dog in a very difficult position, and setting him up to fail.
Not sure what age your children are, but lots of dogs find babies/toddlers confusing and hard to read. Our dog snapped at our son once when he was 6 months and had just started crawling. It was our fault, we should have anticipated it. However, it taught us to manage things better and we never had another repeat.
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