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Rules of Soapland

(76 Posts)
IrishDad79 Mon 01-Feb-16 19:30:47

Everybody in the village or street will work in that village or street. Nobody will have a job more than 100 yards away from their house.

All family rows will be conducted either on the main street or in the local pub. No rows are to be conducted within the privacy of your own home.

Every, and I mean every, wedding will be a monumental fuck-up of epic proportions. An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend will try to sabotage it or it will turn out the groom is already married. No wedding is to go off without a hitch.

If wedding somehow goes ahead the reception must be held in the local pub. That goes for the stag and hen nights too in which there can be no more than 5 people on said stag/hen, all of whom must be characters from the show.

Everybody will have their breakfast, lunch and dinner in the local restaurant, café or pub. Under no circumstances shall someone prepare a meal at home.

When a major character leaves they shall never ever return even for major events such as weddings, funerals or Christmas. If a major character does somehow return they must never do what a normal person would do, like maybe let their relatives know and shit - they should always just turn up at the doorstep as a huge surprise, preferably with a suitably menacing greeting; "'Allo, Princess!".

The village or main street must be destroyed at least once a decade by a catastrophe such as train or plane crash, fire or explosion, or a combination of such events. Such catastrophe should also kill several low profile characters. This disaster must always occur on Christmas or New Year's Day.

Half the village or street shall be landlord/landlady of the local pub at some point.

Every new good looking woman that arrives in the village/street has to serve an apprenticeship of at least 6 months as the new barmaid in the local pub. This rule is non-negotiable.

All barmaids should be blonde and look as if the hair has just been dyed with domestos bleach

Every Christmas Day or New Year's Night, someone must be murdered by the local psychopath who everyone thinks is a great guy.

Every couple of years a character must be framed for a murder he/she didn't commit. This will lead to a short period of incarceration before the real culprit is revealed and the innocent party is released, apparently with no hard feelings.

The local pub shall have a football team comprised of the regular punters, but the league they play in shall apparently only ever consist of 2 matches before the storyline fizzles out.
No one should show the slightest hint of interest in club football yet the entire cast should gather in the pub to watch one England match when a world cup comes around.

The ugliest guy in the village/street will go out with the hottest woman, who falls for his warm heartedness and chirpy personality.

Someone's older sister will in fact turn out to be their mother.

Siblings should not even remotely resemble each other, with a few rare exceptions (the Mitchell brothers).

A child character aged approximately 12 or 13 shall disappear for 2 months during the summer visiting relatives or attending summer camp. When they come back they will have somehow aged 6 years and bear no resemblance to the child that left. Puberty in soapland lasts 2 months.

Everyone will have everyone else's phone number. It doesn't matter if they've only been in town for three weeks and they haven't made a single friend yet, or even if they are an arsehole that no one likes. Their phone number will be stored in every other character's phone and they, in turn, will have every other character in theirs.

Gail Platt's latest boyfriend is never to be trusted.

Bar staff may drink on the job, and give out free drinks/bar customers as much as they like.

Barred customers may return to the pub the next night.

Every person will become an alcoholic for a day whenever something bad happens to them.

This lapse into alcoholism involves a 2 week drinking binge which will lead to liver failure.

This liver failure will require a transplant, whereby the recipient will find a donor (invariably a close relative), have the procedure and be back up on their feet in the space of about a fortnight.

Recovering alcoholics can only ever drink fresh orange juice.

In the evening, children are enveloped in a safety bubble. This means that there is no need for anyone to have a babysitter. No harm will come to the child whatsoever so soapland parents are free to spend every non-waking or working moment in the pub.

There is, of course, an exception to this rule. Sometimes a babysitter is required. It is on these occasions that the child will become ill or get injured in some horrific way.

Despite being packed to the rafters almost every night, the pub is always a financial basket-case.

No one must work more than they are in the pub, if they spend 5 minutes at work they must then get a phonecall or a message passed to them that an emergency has happened and they have to leave work.

No one shall ever go to a large supermarket for their large food shop, instead groceries will be bought from a local shop run by one of the main characters which looks like it stocks about nine items and probably charges about £1:50 for a tin of beans.

No one breaks wind, swears or takes drugs*

* Unless its handled in a sensitive cool way and their 'addiction' is usually cured within two episodes.

Any new or visiting relatives who are raging alcoholics or wife beaters should, where possible, be Scottish or Irish.

When new characters turn up, everyone introduces themselves and become instant friends.

Under no circumstances will a male character ever order a drink by name – “the usual” or “a pint” will suffice.

If a character leaves friends and families will not under any circumstances give them a lift. Everyone must leave in a black cab

No two people in a village, past or present, may share a common surname.

Under no circumstances will change be given when making a purchase from the local bar or corner shop.

Every secret conversation will always be overheard.

Every time a contentious comment is passed, a moron, (I.e. Sharon) will walk through the door and ask about what was just said.

Make up/clothing reflects mood, in order to cover up bad acting.

Examples: when Lauren (Eastenders) was an alcoholic, it was always joggies and no make up. When she's sober, jeans and loads of make up.

Also, Ian Beale’s mental breakdown was depicted solely by him growing a beard and wearing a hat.

Girls’/young ladies’ earrings must be of the hooped style and the must be large enough in circumference for a dolphin to jump through.

No-one in 'Saff Landan' is allowed to own their own washing machine.

The locals should never finish a drink in a pub. They should go in, buy a drink, take a sip, then leave it and fuck off.

The local postman should just arse around the village all day and do everything BUT deliver the fucking letters.

All houses must be badly decorated.

All tenants of all houses are interchangeable at a moment’s notice. Every person in the street must spend at least a night staying at everyone else in the street's house.

If you are at a loose end, you must move in with Dot Cotton.

Previous familial relationships with someone are not taken into consideration if you want to shack up with them. Rather than a family tree, this will create a confusing family hedge that people in rural Louisiana would be ashamed of.

Every street/ village will have its token ethnic character.

EVERY car crash scene must end with a mobile phone ringing out.

....dum, dum, dum, dum-dumma-dum......

StealthPolarBear Mon 01-Feb-16 19:35:42

Every Christmas Day or New Year's Night, someone must be murdered by the local psychopath who everyone thinks is a great guy"

And someone else will be giving birth. With their sworn enemy as makeshift midwife

Slutbucket Mon 01-Feb-16 22:10:21

The houses seem to have many bedrooms despite being very modest dwellings. The ability to add space and bedrooms is amazing. No building work needs to be done or decorating.

cdtaylornats Mon 01-Feb-16 22:21:35

Anyone who has left will never be mentioned again.

Generally long term memory cuts off after about a year.

Police shall be incompetent.

There are never any petty disputes like noise or car parking.

Everybody knows everything about everybody else except for THE SECRET which is bleedin' obvious but undiscovered until the big reveal

No one just spends the night in watching TV, except for the odd child who will apparently spend 10 years in their room until they emerge from their chrysalis.

Other than major sporting events no one ever mentions news items.

No one has any political views

TheDrsDocMartens Mon 01-Feb-16 22:31:36

All doctors shall do home visits. Sometimes even reception staff will too.

No one will read a book.

All tea must be consumed in the local cafe.

scrappydappydoo Mon 01-Feb-16 22:40:40

Everyone's worldly goods can fit into one suitcase (usually wheeled carry-on size) and lives can be packed up within 10 mins of deciding to leave.

CheersMedea Tue 02-Feb-16 12:29:49

Anyone who has lived there for more than a few years will have been married to (minimum) two other people and had relationships with lots of other people who still live there but everyone will have forgotten about this.

No one goes to the toilet.

Neighbours regularly turn up unannounced baring casseroles in times of crisis.

It's common for people to open a door and say "oh it's you". Whoever says this? Ever? Other than a person about to be murdered, raped or assaulted in a soap?

dawnviews Tue 02-Feb-16 21:28:31

Everyone who needs a flat is always offered one over the shop which is always miraculously empty.

If one of the characters is a nurse then you will be tended by them when you have to go to hospital whether it's outpatients, casualty or if you get admitted to a ward. The same applies if one of the characters is a police officer.

If they want to go out for a meal somewhere other than their neighbourhood then it will be at that new little Italian that has recently opened in town.

If you go to Audrey's hair salon all she will do is comb your hair.

All children will go to the same school and won't have any other friends.

SexTrainGlue Tue 02-Feb-16 21:32:26

No woman ever menstruates.

All schools must be undersubscribed, because no one ever has admissions angst. This possibly comes about because of the number of criminals on the teaching staff (Stape) or amongst the pupils (most soap kids).

The sign of an intellectual is a silk kimono.

AnguaResurgam Tue 02-Feb-16 21:33:09

If in doubt, go to Spain.

WannaBeAMummy16 Tue 02-Feb-16 21:37:28

Pregnancy lasts about 2 months - surely Stacey was only just pregnant?

Labour progresses from a few niggles to the baby being born in under 5 minutes.

Teenagers don't need driving lessons (apart from Belle Dingle) they can suddenly just drive.

Everyone knows how to do eachs others jobs, from selling flowers to pulling pints.

Jobs are always available when people are looking.

First names are never repeated unless honouring somebody.

Apart from a few dogs, people aren't allowed pets. Specifically cats. Ever seen a soap-cat?

Swearing is not allowed.

When people cheat, they don't use protection and will get pregnant. It's always the womans most fertile time of the month.

Hospitals only have one room, used for everything.

Woodhill Tue 02-Feb-16 21:39:17

24 hour boarding creche for kids

No clutter or coats & bags in houses even though no one does any housework and umpteen people live there. No washing

Characters sharing accommodation seem to live in differing dimensions as they disappear.

WannaBeAMummy16 Tue 02-Feb-16 21:44:46

Google and Facebook don't exist in Soapland. They have their own versions.

Everyone answers the phone immediately (unless its part of the story line that the person doesn't answer). Nobody is ever busy changing a nappy, washing their hands, having a wee etc.

It's possible for people to have children very very young. Gail Platt is only 8 years younger than Audrey IRL.

WannaBeAMummy16 Tue 02-Feb-16 21:47:44

It is possible for two white parents to produce a mixed race child (Simon Barlow).

GeekLove Tue 02-Feb-16 21:51:01

No one ever goes on days out.

No one has any hobbies or interests.

No one knows or visits anyone outside the street. Outsiders only exist to provide plot points.

No one knows anything of popular culture.

Woodhill Tue 02-Feb-16 21:58:18

Remember Deidre's potterysmile

No one shops for groceries or pays bills

No friends outside street

People turn up and leave with 1 suitcase. When kids leave family don't have to store their junk and someone moves into their room straight away

IrishDad79 Wed 03-Feb-16 08:13:26

The effects of a debilitating stroke will last about a year or so before the character is back to normal, usually after the actor says to the writers, "guys, any chance I can speak normally again, I'm getting sick of pulling this fucking stroke face all the time"

TheDrsDocMartens Wed 03-Feb-16 20:53:12

Hold on a minute, how is Belle Dingle old enough to drive? I remember her being born.

Veritat Thu 04-Feb-16 18:06:32

No-one ever watches soaps.

If a landlord wants to evict a tenant, he just says so and the tenant moves out. The landlord never serves a formal notice, and the tenant never pops off to the CAB to be told that he can sit tight till the landlord does things properly.

In places like Holby, the only time people give formal notice of their intention to leave their jobs is when they don't actually intend to leave. Everyone else just walks out when they feel like it, giving the others a shift's notice if they're lucky, and hospital management doesn't seem in the least bothered. Mind you, given that management normally totally ignore normal recruitment procedures and replace staff with anyone who just happens to have turned up on the doorstep claiming to have a medical qualification, maybe that's not surprising.

MadHattersWineParty Thu 04-Feb-16 18:26:26

It's perfectly possible to be able to afford breakfast in the cafe, lunch in the Bistro and pints in the local followed by some takeaway chips on the way home, at least 3 times a week with a job that pays minimum wage.

70isaLimitNotaTarget Fri 05-Feb-16 14:25:24

You only ever marry / date someone who lives on your street and if by some miracle (Mel in EastEnders) you find a mate outside the square, he'll be related to someone (in this case Roy Evan's long lost son)

When someone buys a bar of chocolate as a treat , it's a weirdy unknown brand.

People do their weekly shop in local shops ( Devs, Davids, The Minute Mart) instead of pootling off to the supermarket (though there is Freshco) or getting a delivery.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Fri 05-Feb-16 14:34:11

If you want to do anything secret you must do it in the living room of the house you like in with about six other people and various other relatives and friends who wander in and out, you must never do it in your bedroom or a locked bathroom. Eg packing- drag all your suitcases and clothes downstairs and don't on the sofa. Abducting a child jenny bradley pack all his stuff in the kitchen. Need to do a pregnancy test after cheating on your husband? POAS then sit on the sofa to wait for the result. Having an affair? The kitchen is the best place to call your OW and say her name at the start of the phone call so when your wife over hears you can't even lie and say oh yeah that was just Dave etc etc

CoffeeAndOranges Fri 05-Feb-16 14:58:10

No one ever says hello or goodbye on the phone, they just hang up.

Caught the end of Corrie the other week (don't watch it) and Ken was ringing for an ambulance for Audrey. He said something like 'hello can I have an ambulance, Audrey's having some sort of attack. Yes, Audrey's hair salon, Coronation Street.' Them hung up. No other details, no staying on the phone with the operator, and neither Audrey nor Ken looked all that stressed.

And as pp said, everyone can 'cover for' everyone else's job. No one in soap land has a professional job that requires a commute. Teacher? (ie Hollyoaks) of course, you'll inevitably teach the kids that live in your street (and probably sleep with one of them).

Woodhill Fri 05-Feb-16 16:26:13

everyone visits the cafff to buy a coffee when working at the market even though their own house is no further away and then moan they are skint.

IrishDad79 Sat 13-Feb-16 22:10:20

After seeing young Jordan getting a beat-down in last week's eastenders, it seems that in soapland, all teenage street gangs must be multi-ethnic and wear their hoodies up.

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