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My 13 year old 'borrowed 2 of my 'toys'

(65 Posts)
MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 11:09:04

Last night, after my 13 year had gone upstairs to bed, I realised that 2 of my adult toys were missing from the drawer in my bedside table. She replaced them this morning before school and I said to her as she left for the bus that we needed to have a chat after school. At first she acted innocent and said why? I said she knew why and she said a guilty oh!!!

I really don't know how to deal with this. She's only just 13 and I think too young for any of this

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any suggestions for how I deal with her tonight? Angry? Disappointed? Upset? Do I punish her for taking something from my room (without asking?!!!)

Any help today would be great. Thanks

sashh Thu 18-Jul-13 11:16:12

Does she know what they are for? Maybe she needs one of her own.

She is probably just curious and maybe you need to discuss it with her. At 13 her hormones will be pushing her to experiment.

Cerisier Thu 18-Jul-13 11:22:03

I think you need to find out why she was rummaging in your drawers and why she removed your things. I would be concerned that photos of them have ended up on FB. Look what I found in mum's room. This seems more likely than experimenting with them.

My teen DDs wouldn't dream of going through my things. This all strikes me as a bit odd.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 11:24:26

She does know what they're for. A couple of years ago she and her sister (who's now 10) found them and videoed themselves playing with them - not in a perverted way, but using them as microphones!!!! I had a severe talk to both of them then about privacy and that I wasn't going to hide them because I didn't expect either of them to be intruding my space!!

We're quite an open family and if she asks me a question, I will reply as honestly as I can. She's asked me about them in the past. She thought that I was odd for having them. I explained that it's quite normal and many of my friends have them. I told her about Ann Summers parties where women openly discuss having them and buy them. I didn't want her to think it wasn't OK in the future. I just didn't expect this now...,

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 11:26:58

Cerisier, it is odd to me too. At her age, I wouldn't have dreamed of going into my M&D's room and rumaging. She does go to my room for tweezers or to borrow hair stuff, but even this is not acceptable.

I think that whilst she's a lovely girl, she does sometimes think she can rule the roost until I point out who the adults are in the house.

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 12:35:38

I would focus on the fact that she is going into your room , going through your things and taking stuff. It doesn't matter if its sex toys or toiletries, these are your personal things.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 12:44:45

tbh that's what I thought too

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 12:55:28

How do you react when you have caught her going through your things before. I would be angry with her and I would tell her regardless of what she sees/ takes it unacceptable and her punishment is........
You should be allowed personal space

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 13:09:21

I've reacted by getting very cross with her and banned her from our room. When she's told off she always says the right things but then doesn't keep up with it. There are only so many times we can confiscate her laptop, mobile phone etc though before they become ineffective

PattieOfurniture Thu 18-Jul-13 13:15:04

Despite her being told not to invade your privacy, I would have those items under lock and key.
I'm shocked at the suggestion of getting her, her own, seriously? At 13? Wtf?

Cerisier Thu 18-Jul-13 13:15:30

You are the parent, there are loads of things you can do to make sure she sees she is behaving poorly.

We find a long talk with DH and I where they are asked to explain their behaviour and then told how it appears to the outside world and how we don't want them to grow into spoilt entitled arrogant girls works quite well. Better than confiscating things or grounding.

OctopusPete8 Thu 18-Jul-13 13:17:33

I used to rummage in my mums things looking for make up to borrow etc, when I came across a 'toy' I slammed the draw shut and went looking for some eye bleach [sic]

Dumbledoresgirl Thu 18-Jul-13 13:20:47

Presume we are talking vibrators? Why shouldn't she want one of her own? Masturbation is totally normal, and ime, at a much younger age than 13.

I have a 13 yo dd. I don't own any sex toys, but I often find my ladyshave in her room. In the past, I have said she can borrow it, so I don't really mind, though reading this thread, it has made me realise I have pretty scant regard for my own personal space. Anyway, what I meant to write is: have a go at her for taking your things without asking, but don't have a go at her for being interested in sex toys. You use them, no reason why she shouldn't.

PattieOfurniture Thu 18-Jul-13 13:24:19

I'm not saying she shouldn't masturbate, or that it's wrong.
But I think a sex toy at 13 is waaay too young

LollyLaDrumstick Thu 18-Jul-13 13:27:57

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Feelslikea1sttimer Thu 18-Jul-13 13:31:59

I am not sure if all the schools teach the same things and at the same time of year, but my 13 year old boy came home from school after a sex education lesson and filled me in on the details blush and apparently they had vibrators in the class and were being taught about them (I was horrified that 13 year olds were being told about sex toys) so maybe if they are doing the same it could be a curiosity thing...

I have a very relaxed attitude about personal space and my boys are always in and out borrowing hair dryers, stealing socks etc so I'm not sure I would be too hard on her as its nice to know they can come in and chat if they need to.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 13:35:34

I also think a toy at 13 is too young. However someone has said to me that maybe if she is exploring, it would be better than using something else like a hairbrush.....

I think I'm going to go down the privacy road only touching on the sex toy issue. My method of telling my girls off tends to be more on a discussion level with me showing them that their actions are unacceptable. They have a father (my ex) who does all the shouting so they don't need this from me too.

As I said earlier, I don't want her to feel embarassed about her body or her sexual needs but not by taking things that don't belong to her

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:55

I don't think anything should be locked away. Mothers are allowed to have their own privacy, their own things without worrying about someone finding a toy or whether a dd has used the last of their deodorant . It's just plain good manners is it, you just don't rummage through other people's drawers.
If grounding/ confiscating things doesn't work then consider a lock on the door. Which maybe a little drastic and go against everything your family believes in but it shows her she cannot be trusted.

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 13:42:23

I think I've contradicted myself there.... Sorry blush

Dumbledoresgirl Thu 18-Jul-13 13:46:36

'PattieOfurniture:I'm not saying she shouldn't masturbate, or that it's wrong. But I think a sex toy at 13 is waaay too young.'

In that case, I think we are in agreement. smile But then, I have never personally had the need for any sort of sex toy. I was only thinking, if the OP's dd wanted to masturbate and felt a sex toy was the way she wanted to do it, then she is as justified in thinking that as her mother is about her own needs.

MyPeanut Thu 18-Jul-13 13:47:22

I'm so glad you said that Olbasoil. I was beginning to think myself a bad mother because I'd 'allowed' her to have access to them by not locking them away especially after she discovered them the first time. I really believed that she would respect my privacy this time and not do it again.

I have thought about a lock on my door (we have one on the inside after she walked in on my DH and I in a compromising position (wow it all happens at my house!!!), but I really don't want to go down that road. It just wouldn't be my family home if we locked doors...

PattieOfurniture Thu 18-Jul-13 13:48:41

This is not a gender issue.
If I found my teenage son's used tissues in the room, not a problem. If I also found my porn stash (that I don't have btw, just hypothetical) I would not get him his ownto use for masturbation purposes.

Olbasoil Thu 18-Jul-13 13:52:28

I can understand that , I would hate to have to lock doors as well . I do hope you can get through to her though. I bet she would hate it if you rifled through her drawers! Actually maybe that's the answer , go through everything and comment loudly !
Good luck.

Dumbledoresgirl Thu 18-Jul-13 13:55:40

I wouldn't get my son his own porn stash either. But I wouldn't object to him acquiring a stash of his own.

I realise the porn you spoke of was hypothetical, but if, hypothetically, you had a porn stash, and your son is a sexually active individual, why should he not have his own porn?

Same with the sex toys. If a 13 yo girl is masturbating (and I'm not saying she is, but she could well be) then why shouldn't she have toys in the same way that her mother does? Unless the toys are not about masturbation but about sex between 2 people? Sorry, I am a bit innocent and do not know what sex toys are out there.

PattieOfurniture Thu 18-Jul-13 13:58:58

At 15 or 16, I'd be ok, with either.

But not at 13

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