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15yr old daughter who wants to have sex

(17 Posts)
Trommom Thu 07-Mar-13 12:20:36

I found a letter to me in my daughters drawer( putting stuff back in to tidy) which basically tells me that her and her 16 year old boyfriend of 7 months have decided to take their relationship to the next level. She tells me in this that she has considered and researched contraception but as she hasn't started her period yet she was worried whether she would be able to get contraception. I need advice on how to handle this situation- do I listen and offer advice, take her for contraception and put up with it , or lay down the law? I am really worried that her schoolwork will suffer and that by condoning underage sex I am failing her as a parent.

FireOverBabylon Thu 07-Mar-13 12:26:49

Does she often communicate with you by writing notes and putting them in her sock drawer? does she know that you have found it?

I would be telling her to hold off until she starts her periods, as her body may not be mature enough until then. surely there are other "next level" things they can be doing apart from penetrative sex?

chocoluvva Thu 07-Mar-13 12:52:11

When will she be 16?

seeker Thu 07-Mar-13 12:56:11

Does she know you've read it? Are you sure you were supposed to?

Trommom Thu 07-Mar-13 13:03:23

She doesn't know I have read it but I actually had a conversation with her about sex a couple of days ago and had discussed her lack of periods, need for contraception even although she hasnt had her period yet and that until she was 16 we are responsible for her welfare and would not recommend becoming sexually active. I asked her to discuss it with someone like her gp even if it wasn't us if she decided to take the next step. I don't know whether this letter was written before or after our conversation. She is not 16 until next January.

Trommom Thu 07-Mar-13 13:20:56

I don't know whether to keep this between me and her at the moment, or involve her dad, who is of the 'Victorian Dad' parenting type. If I involve home, I think it might make relationships worse within the family...if I don't, then I am also in the wrong. Advice, please

Clargo55 Thu 07-Mar-13 14:09:43

I would be wary of telling her father just yet, it could make things very embarrassing for DD. I fear it could also make her trust you less.

It sounds like she is reaching out to you for help. I would maintain that you would much prefer that she is over the age of consent, but if she is going to continue regardless she really needs protection. You could run through ways in which she can get contraception. I would also tell her that it is also her boyfriend’s responsibility and they are only ready for a sexual relationship if then can openly discuss contraception together. If she is scared/embarrassed to visit her GP to discuss please let her know they can get contraception from other places like family planning centres and her boyfriend could go to any supermarket and buy condoms.

Also are there any condoms in the house? When I was growing up we always had some in the medication box. At the end of the day if they are going to do it they will find a way and they need to be using contraception. It would be awful if she didn’t use any just because of embarrassment or lack of easy access to condoms etc.

seeker Thu 07-Mar-13 14:10:54

Absolutely don't tell her father! Why would you? She may well never confide in you again if you do!

myhandslooksoold Thu 07-Mar-13 14:20:38

I think you may have been snooping tbh? I wouldn't expect my mum to clear out my drawers at 15, nor will I clear my dd's at that age. It sounds like you do actually have an open relationship with her from your conversation with her, please dont threaten it by looking in her room.
The other posters have given good advice, definitely dont laydown the law, that will only lead to hostility and worsen communication.
For what its worth, I had sex at 15 with my boyfriend, I was, and remained a straight A student.

Trommom Thu 07-Mar-13 14:25:16

I agree that I found the note by accident, but I certainly wasn't snooping, only putting stuff back in a drawer! I will have another chat with her, and thanks for the posts, it does help getting other people's views!

FrauMoose Thu 07-Mar-13 14:29:21

I think there can be an argument for 'laying down the law' but in a caring way. The law says that she is below the age of consent. Her body is saying that she is not yet sexually mature. These are real boundaries. And there are social pressures to get into sexual relationships quite early on. Sometimes apparently 'caring' boys dump girls, because they've been put under pressure to have sex, but then aren't really ready to handle any kind of emotional closeness

Why get into a situation where there are risks of pregnancy, STDs and emotional complications at this relatively early stage? If when she's sure that's what she wants. Might be worth a trip to the GPs to check there's nothing wrong re relatively late onset of menstruation.

Dirtymistress Thu 07-Mar-13 14:33:13

She obviously wants to tell you and at least seems to be really thinking the whole thing through. It's not ideal but think you should try to be as open with her as possible and make sure she had condoms. I too had sex at 15 and it didn't destroy my life! I would never have told my mother in a million years so you should be proud of yourself that she can talk to you. Don't fuck it up by being cross and overbearing with hergrin

LaurieFairyCake Thu 07-Mar-13 14:35:33

I would discuss the following issues with her:

1. that her body may not be mature enough for a sexual relationship, and I would talk about the higher risk of cervical cancer - has she had the jabs?

2. the second issue takes more courage and it's centred around feminism and what SHE expects to sexually get out of penis in vagina sex - I would be talking about orgasms and about the fact that sex is not only penis in vagina sex and that actually PIV is the MOST risky for her. Risky in terms of pregnancy, cervical cancer and std's. And reminding her that condoms only work 80% of the time if you're not very good with them and only 96% of the time meaning that 4-20 in every hundred times she has sex with condoms she is risking pregnancy.

The above is I'm sure difficult but there has to be something in sex for anyone to bother with it and if she's just thinking she has a biological urge/wants further intimacy/boyfriend may want it more than her - then she has to be encouraged to think about ways of having sex without being risky - and having a fulfilling sex life.

I'd also be exploring that she and her boyfriend may have different ideas about sex is especially if either of them have seen pornography.

EyeoftheStorm Thu 07-Mar-13 14:36:42

I had sex at 15, didn't tell my mother, and I'd been going out with my boyfriend for a similar length of time. We went out for 3 years in the end.

But what I did do was make him come with me to the doctor to ask about contraception. I thought that showed level of commitment and maturity from both of us.

I think you should be proud that she feels she can talk to you about it.

FrauMoose Thu 07-Mar-13 14:39:53

Meant to say above, 'If she and her boyfriend are sure that's what they wants when she's 16 and physically matured, then it's a different matter.'

There is also a complication if one parent knows about a child/young person's sexual relationship, but the other doesn't. I'm not sure that partners keeping relatively important secrets from one another is that great within a relationship. (Perhaps not a terribly good model for a daughter either.)

gardeningmama Thu 07-Mar-13 16:40:35

Not really my area this, but interested to read cos my dd will be there one day! Just wondered about the boyfriend. He must be aware that your daughter, his gf, is under age, so what does he think about the morality of that? And what would his parents think about him having sex with an under age girl? Surely they would be urging him to wait? (and she is only just 15) I think the poster who said she made her bf go with her to the gp about contraception is brilliant. Both parties are equally responsible and need to be together on this. I am sure it would sort the opportunists from the really serious bf's too. Good luck.

EdBird Thu 07-Mar-13 18:41:49

Re risks of infections - vaguely recall that the flora of the vagina change when sexually mature to help protect against infections?? Like couple of posters above, I personally wouldn't be worried in steady relationship havig sex at 15 but the idea of getting some sort of infection that could gunge up your insides is really awful

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