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how do I help with my teenage daughters relationship breakup?

(18 Posts)
bebemoose Fri 12-Mar-10 08:54:52

Hi there - I wondered if anyone can give me some advice regarding the break up of my 16yr old dausghters breakup with her boyfriend of 4 months? We all really liked him and he seemed just right for her - then last week things started to go wrong (an old girlfriend came back into his life) and he started saying she was too clingy and he 'needed his space' and eventually ended it by text yesterday. Despite having told her earlier in the relationship that he would never do that (break up by text). He also said in the text that he still loves her but wants his freedom - and ended with kisses would you believe!

Of course she is devastated and we spent yesterday cuddling and crying and watching tv to take her mind off it. We dont understand why he is acting like this when less than 4 weeks ago - for Valentines Day - he made her a card saying that he would always care for her and protect her and he wouldnt hurt her etc etc.,

Anyhow - I'm thinking of ringing his mum and asking if we can go over tonight and speak to him face to face - not so I can shout at him - more so that he and my daughter go off for a walk so that he can explain to her and tell her to her face that it is over. Is this interfering? We do need to collect a bag of clothes from his house and take back some of his.

Is it better to try to get some closure on this or just sit it out and put it down to experience? Funnily enough - I am almost as upset as she is, when my older daughter (who is away at uni) told me last night on msn that he has already changed his Facebook status to 'single' it sort of ripped through my heart.

Any thoughts would be gratefully received.

muchchocolate Fri 12-Mar-10 09:04:41

Hi Bebemoose

Just wanted to say firstly you sound like you're being a great mum to your daughter and comforting her through this time.

Advice wise I think its probably best not to arrange to go round there - if the boyfriend wants to meet up to chat that is one thing but I think for you to arrange with his mother might be a bit awkward and make him feel like he's being pressured into something.

I feel really bad for your daugher as its such a hard time but 16 is very young and at that age I think boys are often a lot less mature than girls.

I think if she can arrange to meet the boy it'd be a good idea for her to get some closure but its down to her to arrange this rather than you.

In the meantime lots of chocolate, ice cream and girly films!

PollyLogos Fri 12-Mar-10 09:05:48

I definitely don't think that you should get involved. Your job as your daughter's mum is too comfort and support her not go chatting to boyfriends mum! If your daughter wants to try to see her ex to talk about it ok but let her do this on her own. I know it hurts to see your daughter so upset but as mothers we should not get this involved.

I think you should just weather out the storm. Although i don't suggest you say this to your daughter at this point in time, she (they) are very young and this sort of thing is all part of life.

Having said that I do know how hard it is to watch your children going through these traumas.

Buda Fri 12-Mar-10 09:06:43

Don't get involved, don't get involved, don't get involved!!!!!!!! And don't call his mother whatever you do!

He is acting like this because he is a 16 year old boy!

I know it is hard but this is all part of growing up for your DD. It will happen and you cannot protect her from it. All you can do is be there with treats and cuddles and tissues.

Your DD needs to wallow a little in how she is feeling and then she needs to pick herself up and go and have fun with her friends. Rather than calling his mum you would be much better helping her organise a get-together with her friends - cinema, shopping trip whatever.

bebemoose Fri 12-Mar-10 09:20:22

Thank you so much for all your replies. I didn't say that he actually is 19. Not that this makes a lot of difference I suppose.

So basically we may never know what happened and why he suddenly changed? And we just put it all down to experience? Should she text him if she wants to or should she leave well alone?

I think the worst part is not knowing. And his sister is still wanting DD to keep going places with her, but I dont think she will be able to, so she loses a friend as well as a boyfriend.

Its so hard when your children are hurting - this is the first time it has happened and its worse than anything that has gone before in my childrens lives! Thanks for your support.

abouteve Fri 12-Mar-10 09:27:48

Hope your DD is feeling better soon. I wouldn't say that's its right you can feel her pain but not to contact the ex or his family.

4 months isn't so long a time and I'm sure she will pick up soon. She can keep a distance from his sister until she is feeling better, then they can remain friends. She should tell his sister this so she understands.

I was just turned 16 when I broke up with a boyfriend who was the same ages as myself. We'd been together 2 1/2 years and I was heartbroken. I didn't receive much support and went off the rails. So you are doing great by comforting her.

bebemoose Fri 12-Mar-10 10:04:27

Thank you abouteve. She doesnt want to get up today but has a preplanned girly evening tonight with a friend so I'm encouraging her to go.

I'm sure, as you all say, she will get over it eventually and all we can do in the meantime is love and support her. I just asked her and she doesnt want to see him or text him atm. She is in a show in a weeks time so the next week will keep her busy with rehearsals so thats good.

I wont contact him or his family as you all think this is a bad idea. Thanks to everyone.

Buda Fri 12-Mar-10 10:30:08

It must be so hard watching her hurt so much but unfortunately there is nothing you can do to avoid her getting hurt emotionally in life. I think she should definitely not text him or call him. She will just come across as needy and she wants to play it aloof and cool. If it is easier to avoid his sister then she should do that for a while.

I didn't realise he was 19 but in all honesty it doesn't make much difference.

She should concentrate on all the other good stuff she has going on in her life. It will get better.

GetOrfMoiLand Fri 12-Mar-10 10:34:08

Bebe - I am dreading this, my dd is 14 and has got her first boyfriend recently. She thinks he is wonderful. Which is lovely but I do think it will end up in heartache.

I would certainly not get involved, as much as you want to. The only thing I think you can do is cuddles, chocolate, chats and reassuring her that this is what teenage boys do, and it's not her fault, and she will feel better.

You sound like a clovely concerned mother and your dd is lucky that she has you there to help her through it.

Young love/heartbreak. It's all very sad.

diseyw Fri 12-Mar-10 19:35:40

Hi bebemoose
I couldn't believe the timing of your post because almost exactly the same thing has happened to my 15 year old daughter yesterday except that she had only been with her boyfriend for 2 months and she called time on it (before he got in there first!) as in the last week things went wrong when he went to a concert that had been booked before they met with two 'friends' who happened to be girls. Ever since then he had been distant and not wanting to see or talk to her as much as usual. We were also quite close to him and thought they were very well suited.
I totally understand you saying that you almost feel as upset as she is as this is exactly how I have been feeling for a few days whilst trying to support and advise her on how to handle the situation.
I also agree that this is one of the worst things that have happened in my child's life and has been very stressful for all of us. She has gone out tonight to a friends birthday meal and cinema trip with a large group of girls so hoping that this will help to get her through it as her friends are fantastic.
I hope your daughter and you are ok and just want you to know that you are not on your own in your situation and that things improve soon smile

GardenPath Sun 14-Mar-10 23:40:59

Ahh, young love - I'd sooner poke my own eyes out than have to go through all that again. I agree with Buda - It's very sad but she's sixteen! It's what they do. I'd be more worried if they were picking out curtains together. You didn't want her to marry this guy, did you? She's got the whole world to explore yet. And LOTS more boyfriends to try out. She will be devastated for about five minutes but DO NOT interfere - do not make a big thing out of this (him). Unless of course you're going to do this with all her boyfriends in which case she probably won't have any more as all the lads will hear how you go around to their parents to 'discuss' things and they'll all avoid her like the plague! Yes, comfort her, if that's what she wants, of course, but don't make a big deal - this will happen again, bound to, and I've no doubt there'll be bf's that she'll dump in her turn. It's all part of growing up. Funnily enough, it's generally been me who's stayed on good terms with my daughters' ex-bf's, now all grown up, married, careers, kids, all that. It's sometimes quite hard (for me) to see them go - bless.

cat64 Mon 15-Mar-10 00:10:58

Message withdrawn

JustAnotherManicMummy Mon 15-Mar-10 00:15:32

Sorry but PMSL.

It's a teenage relationship. You must stay out of this and support and distract her the same as if there was any other drama going on in her life.

Well done for caring but please let her live her own life, make her own mistakes and don't put any pressure on by looking for reasons why it ended. It'll make things worse.

cory Mon 15-Mar-10 09:18:25

I was 19, same age as this boy, when I met dh. And he dumped me after a year, not because anything had "happened" that he needed to explain, but simply because he didn't think I was The One (turned out later I was, but that's irrelevant...). Yes, I was heartbroken, but that didn't mean he wasn't within his rights. The thought of my Mum or his Mum or anybody else getting involved in our relationship is too bizarre for words.

This boy is allowed to change his mind, it's an age of experimenting until you gradually find someone you want to stick with. Having to explain yourself to an adult makes it sound like he doesn't have that right.

Besides, he has given an explanation, that she is too clingy. Would you really like him to elaborate on this and hurt your dd further? I can't see how an explanation wouldn't make things far worse for her.

Comfort, comfort, comfort.

mumblechum Mon 15-Mar-10 14:09:49

Agree absolutely with the last 4 posts. The idea of you going round to ask his mum why he dumped your dd just makes me shudder with embarrasment!

Whenever anything like that happened to me when I was a teenager my mum just said "Plenty more fish in the sea" and left me to my weepy records and I think that was absolutely the right approach.

stleger Mon 15-Mar-10 14:27:33

My dd1 is going through this too, and it is horrible. Our worst problem is that she stops eating in times of stress and is prone to fainting. And I tried to ring and warn the teacher in school who deals with this stuff (the guidance counsellor, in our school) but she was not available. She is eating again - although only specific foods of her choosing, usually involving a trip to the shop. It is horrible, dd1's boyfriend had 2 older sisters who are at college, so she had kind of taken their place in his house. So she has lost a sort of extra family as well as him.

Maria1001 Mon 06-Feb-17 10:28:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

elQuintoConyo Mon 06-Feb-17 10:34:30

Do you get off on reanimating old threads about teenage heartache just to post atrocious wank Maria1001 ?


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