:( DD sulking in her room all day

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

DD (nearly 12) has been shut up in her room all day. I know she's still alive because the food I left outside her door has gone, but I'm beginning to wonder if I should go and say something.

Background is, I went up to bed at 11.30 pm and she and DS were still up and mucking around/playing music, even though I'd said at 9pm 'Go to bed, you don't have to go straight to sleep but you have to get into bed'. Didn't want to get in an argument so I just said 'right, just pack up and get to bed, I don't want to hear another word' because it was bloody late and I know the neighbours get up early for work. Cue 'oh but it's not my fault, I'm so innocent' followed up with 'why won't you listen to me, you're so unreasonable' when I tell her to just be quiet and go to bed, it's late, we'll talk in the morning. This soon descends into screaming abuse, kicking me and threatening suicide at the top of her lungs when I stand my ground and remind her some people are asleep.

Now I left it that I'll talk to her when she's prepared to stop acting like a toddler (yes I know but it was really late). I get that she's embarrassed at being caught out, she hates being in the wrong. But I really don't know what to go up and say to her. I was really hoping she'd come down and at least get herself some food even if she didn't want to talk. Has she just backed herself into a corner, and do I need to make the first move? I am so sick of the tantrums though, sometimes I long for the day she'll move out.

Any thoughts/advice?

[MonsterousNasalPustule]

Why did you leave food there?

I wouldn't take anymore food up there and wait her out, she needs to get over whatever is wrong IMO.

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

Well it was lunchtime, so I just took up a bowl of cereal and a glass of milk. She's a skinny rake as it is and she had flu a few weeks ago, she's still trying to put the weight back on. I wasn't being soft, honest!

[LaurieScaryCake]

she kicked you and screamed abuse

surely she's now grounded to her room for the rest of the week for that stunt?

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

I try not to judge too much, she's all hormonal and some days she's a perfectly pleasant and helpful human being. Should I not cut her some slack as it was late at night?

It's odd, on another thread I felt like a hardline mum, now I feel like I'm being indulgent! I cooked her dinner and it's staying warm in the oven if she decides to come down, or should I not have done that?

[evaangel2]

Oh the joys of teenagers!!!

DD(15) has got violent with me on a few occasions, but last time (6 months ago) she kicked and punched me and after numerous warnings I rang the police, a lovely police woman came and had chat with her and told her she will be taken to the cells if it happens again.
The police woman also seen her brand new mobile phone and reminded her how lucky she was and how spoilt she was acting!

People may see this as harsh but she has not gone to hit me since, this was a reality check for her, her temper was getting out of control...things are better now as I approach her to ask what is wrong whether she is troubled in some way and she said at the time she had lost a few friends in school.
Speak to your dd, maybe it is something else that is making her act in this way
good luck!!

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

Dittany, it's half term and I usually let them stay up later than normal. I honestly hadn't realised they were still awake though (deep discussions with DH).

Evaangel2, it's her birthday next week and she's going out with a couple of friends this Saturday - so she's a bit overexcited at the moment. I don't know if the shouting/hitting is out of order, to be honest violence was normal when I was growing up so I realise I have a certain level of tolerance towards it (from her, deffo no violence on my part).

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

Oh and she just wanted to talk her way out of trouble dittany, when I never said she was in trouble to start with, all I did was say 'go to bed'.

[Tortington]

mine come down for food.

you were being soft - soft as softy soft shyte.

My attitude would be 'how very dare you speak to me like that.

so if she stays in her room forever - it's skin off your nose becuase?

leave her to it - no more food

[Tortington]

delivered food i mean - i don't mean - no food obv!

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

I AM soft, bugger it, but then don't want to be like my mum so I have spent the day fretting. I care ffs, but I won't be a doormat.

Urgh. Where the hell is the happy medium? DH has just come home, maybe he'll help. HAH!

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

As I said before, she really hates being in the wrong. She's always got the lie/self defence ready before I have a chance to say anything, she's always been like that. Bright enough to think up an excuse, but not the brains to see that if she didn't do something wrong to start with...

[Tortington]

seriously leave her to stew - she'll come down when she is hungry and then you can talk about what happened. i think its a general mantra to live by when dealing with teenagers ...they will want you first.

i dont think kicking and screaming is something to be put up with - as a parent you are supposed to socialise her and help form her into a wonderful human being that society with like and respect.

you are not doing her any favours by letting this qpoilt brat attitude continue - especially if when it happens she isn't made to apologise becuase of your fear of your past.

this need some clarity and perspective.

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

I definitely said get into bed, I checked with DH last night to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable. You're right though, I wasn't explicit, and I'll apologise when the time is right. And as for DS, he's 8 and loves peace and quiet. He just does what I/his sister tell him.

OK then, new question, when your mum is cross and won't listen to your explanations, are you justified in kicking her in temper, calling her a stupid lesbian bitch motherfucker (arf!) and threatening suicide?

Oh hold on, someone's just come down in her PJs...

[Tortington]

ifferent kids diferent attitudes i assume - pubescent girl - not a lot of fun at the best of times.

i think it was spelled out clear enough - go to bed at 9pm - you dont have to go to sleep but you have to be in bed.

its like a bit of wind down time before lights out IMO

but maybe there wasn't clarity enough here for the children and it should be a straight bed light out sleep.

ok i get that

but threatening suicide - kicking screaming - the overreaction is in itself an issue and its this i would be most concerned with.

[Tortington]

i wouldn't apologise

i am big on grown ups apologising - i trully am - if i am wrong i say i'm wrong.

i don't think you were wrong

she was certainly wrong

anyway i hope now she's down there is a resolution

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

Thanks all!

She has apologised, I made it clear that her behaviour was unacceptable and reminded her that I don't reason with screaming banshees. In her defence she said 'oh I didn't hear what you said about bed' to which my response was 'well that's not an excuse'.

She only came down because DH went and had a word with her though. What's done is done, but I was quite prepared to let her stew after all your support. Oh well, another row survived. Am a bit about the suicide threat though on reflection, is that common amongst teens?

[LuluDanceOnMyGrave]

Thanks again, I know deep inside I'm doing my best but it's nice to have reassurance from other people. I will chillax, I will not hit the wine, I will in future breathe deeply and not reward negative behaviour.

[Tortington]

oh yay! nice one