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Help[ me write a letter..

(23 Posts)
stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 07:32:45

to my daughetr, 14. Bit of a long post but here goes. All the threads that say, she doesn't hate you., spend some time with her doesn't work and I don't think it ever will with DD. I honestly think she hates me, she has never kissed me or hugged me, even when she was little she was a hands off chd (as far as I can remember). The last kiss I managed to give her was when she was off on a school trip and just got the top of her headsad. We're off on hol tonight, managed to save up and get an all inclusive as there are 6 of us, 3DS and 1DD.
Went to work yesterday, (only one car between us so left DH with list of what he could do while I was out!), came back, went shopping, came back and let DD's friend in at 3pm. Went out again and got in at 7m, asked DH where she was, assuming she was with friends and getting ready to call her in for tea, as I hate her "walking the streets" in the dark!.I'm the strictest mum out of all her friends, really. Got a phone call from her friends to say she was drunk in a park, they'd taken her other friend home an wre trying to catch DD. Cutting long story short, DS1 got in car to look for her, DS2 and DH in another car and DH slapped her rounfd the face 'cos she was kicking, biting and being hysterical. He gave up and came home (we then had words about him slapping him and I got left to sort it out, as usual!). After an hour of talking to her between friends, she came home. In car threw a bag at me and "hoped I'd die!".sad. I had told her (thinking about advice on here) that I wasn't going to talk to her now, I'd do it later). I also told her that the very hurtful things she shouts at me (even her friends are shocked) hurt me deeply and if my mum was alive, I would take back some of the things I'd said. I allowed her friends to come in, as they were cold and wet and gave them pizza, they're good friends to her but I also wanted her to tell them what was wrong, now she was calm. Friends couldn't get anything out of her but both said she's a drama queen and doing it for effect. She was brought home by the police for running away a few months ago and even the police guy said she was a tough cookie!

I sat her down b4,all about the "act like an adultetc etc" and that I loved her etc etc (all the stuff we say on here. She wants to live at her friends house, her mum and I allow the girls if they're upset to pop round and we sort of compare notes. Her DD is adopted and so was I and she's a verycaring, wild child in a sort of way. She and the other 2 kids last night came and hugged mw when I standing out by the electric box, looking like a hoodie, freezing and crying, thinking that I should at least be starting to pack and why now!!angry.

DD doesn't want to come away with us and has asked if she can stay at friend's house. TBH I'm tempted to let her 'cos she'll have a face like a smacked arse all week and I really need this break.

help me write a letter to her please (and help me to accept that my DD doesn't and probably will never love mesad).

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 07:33:17

Sorry crying and dodgy keyboards don't mix. Ignore the typos.

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 08:03:09

She's up now and I don't know what to say to her. I asked her last night if she'd thanked her friends for being such good mates and she sadi she had, although she snarled, and I mean snarled "what!" at me when i opened her door. Do I keep quiet for the holiday's sake or what?!

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 08:21:55

bumping for morning crowd, custy anyone! I've just had a horrible thougt. She's going to church this morning with friend from last night (her Dad's a vicar) and what if, just what if she doesn't come back and we miss the plane tonight? I wouldn't put it past her. I'm deffo ringing the mum up and agreeing drop off times now!!grin

Beetroot Sun 25-Oct-09 08:26:48

I think it would be good for you all if she goes on holiday with you. I think it just shouldn't be an option tbh.

She sounds a very confused young lady sad

mumonthenet Sun 25-Oct-09 08:36:58

oh stickyj, I've just skimmed your post, haven't really got any advice.

Yes, if friends' parents are willing, I would be tempted to let her stay.

Then bugger off and have a really nice time.

You need the break.

Maybe she, after a week or so, staying with strangers - maybe not such a cushy number - might wish she's gone with you.

Write the letter when you're not so pent up.

Hassled Sun 25-Oct-09 08:43:38

I agree re letting her stay if the friend's Mum is happy. It sounds like you both need a bit of physical space from each other, and time to sit and think a bit.

I can't help you accept that your DD doesn't love you because I don't believe that. She does, she will. She just may not know it at the moment. My DD is 20 now, but is the reason I first posted on MN - she was horrendous. I had those awful nights where I was convinced she genuinely didn't care about me at all. But she did, and those days seem like a long time ago now - she still has her moments and we still row, but most of the time we're good friends. You will reach this point.

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 09:35:44

Thanks, but surely most little kids love their mum and show it? We are a really hands on family (she hates kisses and hugs from anyone except her friends) and I so was proud of my two DS's last night, going to look for her. I think that she doesn't have a choice about coming with us, she's 14 and my house, my rules. It's just that I'm almost scared to say anything to her 'cos I just get snarled at. No pleases, thank yous etc. Also fas I said, friend's mum is lovely but we could honestly swap kids and I think the girls would be happier, except DD's friend knows and does show sometimes, how much she's loved. She has been here for a cry and a moan about her mum, but always goes back. As far as i know, it's just grily stuff with DD, and she is dramatic. She had some scratches on her arm last week and I found a razor under her bed. DH just dismissed it but as her friends said, she's doing it for effect because it was the tiniest scratch ever, certainly not proper self harming. DH thinks I shouldn't go on too much, but she's 14 and it's my job to keep her safe. I would also like some love and respect but I have sort of resigned myself to just keeping her safe. BTW if I suggest going out together she just sneers at me. The one time we went shopping I bought her some stuff and then overheard her telling herfriends that she only went to get some stuff out of the "poor sucker".sad Sounds nasty, doesn'tshe?sad

violetqueen Sun 25-Oct-09 10:17:05

How dreadful for you .Big hug coming your way.
Sounds like you feel she should come ,so stick with that.
What I think about her not loving you is that if she truly didn't care ,she wouldn't invest so much energy into hating you ,she'd just be indifferent.
Perhaps she does have strong feelings towards you and wishes she didn't .Hence angry .don't know if that makes sense
Think you're handling it right way and that she's licky to have you.
Try and keep strong.

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 10:41:17

She got ready for church this morning and then asked for a lift! DH got her there and then she said friend (who's Dad's church it is) isn't going! She has to walk through their house, out the back garden and into chruch so DH has said he's picking her up at 11.15am and hopes that she's not doing a runner!shock WTF is she playing at!? She only goes to church to help at SS 'cos she likes little kids, she's a non-believer.

Anyone with ideas for a letter I can write to her?

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 10:53:56


labyrinthine Sun 25-Oct-09 11:02:51

Have a chat with other mum in confidence,if she is happy for dd to stay with her tell her you will contact her later.

If you think dd is depressed/down and would benefit ftom the change in scene and family time,do your utmost to get her to come ~ if she won't/does a runner,ring other mum in enough time to make sure she is safe so you can set off.

If she comes with you she might pick up ~ if she stays with friends mum she will see they also have disagreements and rules etc to live by and she might come next time.

Stay calm,have plan A and plan B and enjoy your holiday.

labyrinthine Sun 25-Oct-09 11:07:04

PS She doesn't hate you ~ my dd was down last year about a health issue ~ she was stroppy and mean[the car scenario is familiar].Two weeks ago in an RE lesson she told me out of the blue she had named me as the person she admired most,looked up to and was the most virtuous person she knows lol....imagine my surprise.

It is her feelings she is expressing...she doesn't hate you.

labyrinthine Sun 25-Oct-09 11:12:39

Sorry missed the letter bit ~keep it simple,
Dear dd,
we are sorry you are not coming with us on the holiday we planned for us all.
We would love you to have a fun family week and spend time with you.
We understand if you choose not to come but won't be able to afford another one for a while so hope you have fun with your friend and are helpful to her mum.
We all love you and want you to be happy and look forward to seeing you when we get back

witcheseve Sun 25-Oct-09 11:36:04

I would take her on holiday, don't let her get out of it easily. When was the last time you all went on a holiday together? Did she enjoy it then? I think that although you feel the need for a break you will be fretting at her missing out on the fun. Your holiday sounds great.

As for the self harming, it is just attention seeking but I would have a word with her doctor. It's not normal and I would suggest counselling to get to the bottom of why she is so mixed up and unhappy. This is from personal experience btw.

I would write the letter and explain that you don't want her to miss out on the fun. Then sit down and discuss it calmly.

I don't think she hates you and it is teen angst but at the top end of the scale. I hope she will grow out of it. I think she will.

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 12:44:35

She has nothing to BE unhappy about. She is allowed any number of friends around but our house is "boring". Her bedroom was meant to be decorated and as a joke she wrote on the walls. It's still waiting to be decorated but is now completely graffitied by all her friends - I don't care, if she's happy! Boys come and go, she's not pregnant, has been caught lying before and it just seems teenage angst to me. Has had a couple of "panic attacks" at school, her Matron tells me it's really common in teen girls and so are the migraines she's getting. (I have checked they're not only on PE day). She's playing the paino now and I should be packing. I just want to hold her and tell her tht I love her, I've asked her if anything's wrong and can I help. Have you ever had anyone look at you like you're a piece of shit and with so much hate in their eyes. Yesterday didn't even happen after a row, she was fine. I bought her some make up and boots whilst I was out.sad

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 12:45:41

Oh and in her world the words"fun" and "family are poles apart. I feel like such a failure, she's the baby girl I wanted so badly and I can't keep her.

Tortington Sun 25-Oct-09 13:01:37

hope you have a nice holiday. i would take her with me - as my daughter is different when around certain peers.

i think the letter idea sounds a bit like desperate spurned lover wanting love.

truth is shes being a total bitch. leave her to it. make sure shes safe and abides by your rules and try to ignore her for the most part.

the power of parent is huge - if you think of yourself and any angst or left over residue from your relationship with your parents - as parents we have this unseen huge amount of power.

in your shoes i would ignore ignore ignore. treat me with respect and i will be polite and courtious back.

treat me like shit - and i can put up a frozen barrier. no lifts, no favours, no money, simple yes no answers.

my dd comes to me first.

i wont beg anyone to love me - not anyone.

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 13:49:45

Hi Custy
Was hoping you'd be along. We don't speak much at all anyway, she just ignores me or screams at me to get out of her roomsad I just want to know if anything is genuinely wrong or as you say, she's just being a bitchsmile Teens that have good relationships with their parents struggle to talk about big issues so what hope do I have. I know you can't make someone love you but it hurts so much.

Slambang Sun 25-Oct-09 14:06:54

Poor you. Sounds hell.

But you do say you want to tell her you love her and ask her if anythings wrong - well do it then!

Yes, of course she'll throw it back in your face and snarl at you but deep down somewhere it will register that you are keeping the doors open for her and make it easier for her to approach you one day when she's ready.

And then - like Custy says calmly and fairly make it clear that your rules are the rules again and again and again.

stickyj Sun 25-Oct-09 15:54:16


I always, always say "Night DD, love you" and do to all of them even tho they're 19, 16, 14 and 11! Oldest is msotly at gfs tbh. I'm just hoping she changes before I get too old!

sarah293 Sun 25-Oct-09 16:00:31

Message withdrawn

violetqueen Mon 26-Oct-09 09:11:10

Riven ,that's awful .I'm so sorry for you.
Do you have any contact /news ?
What a terrible situation.

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