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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

DD being called a 'lesbian' and 'gay bitch' at school - she is dreading every morning.

105 replies

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/10/2009 10:40

DD is 13 and has several girls and boys calling her a lesbian and gay bitch/slut etc.

All stemmed from a friend having a sleepover this weekend. DD wrote 'dd heart friend' on her bedroom mirror. DD's friend has now 'discussed' this with other friends who have all said (horrified) urgh well gay etc.

DD responded with something along the lines of there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian anyway and some of my closest family are gay, you bigots (my mum and aunty are lesbians so it is viewed as normal in our hosue)

Now it seems half of her friends are saying she is gay, and people are coming up to her in corridors saying you must be a lesbian, you like rugby .

DD has been to her teacher, who has said 'well, you didn't exactly help yourself by saying that your gran is a lesbian, added fuel to the fire etc' to which response I am a bit about.

DD has just text me to say that everyone seems to be laughing at her and she is really upset. I have tried to talk to her year head, she is calling me back. I just feel awful for dd and don't know what to do.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Report

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/10/2009 10:43

Hope Leningrad comes on here - I remember her voice of sense on a thread about someone being called gay acouple of months back.

Am MNing at work and am having to actually work for a bit (meetings urgh) so am disappearing but will be back on later hopefully.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 20/10/2009 10:43

do schools have policies on this sort of thing? is it classed as homophobic behaviour i'm wondering.

no experience,but watching thread with interest!

justaboutautumn · 20/10/2009 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DuelingFANGo · 20/10/2009 10:44

OMG - someone needs to have a word with her teacher!

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/10/2009 10:45

Thanks Fanjo - I thought that it was a bit off but thought am I being oversensitive mother.

OP posts:

bodycolder · 20/10/2009 10:47

My god that is awful.the school have handled it terribly too.Goodness knows what these kids hear at home if not one has had the brain/courage to defend her.You should definitely speak to thm.I am so on her behalf.

Inghouls2 · 20/10/2009 10:47

well it's bullying and horrible homophobic bullying at that.
As for the teacher, saying you didn't help yourself is just bloody outrageous!
I'd be asking for their bullying policy GOML and kicking up a big stink.
If you don't get a suitable response about how the school are going to deal with this from your year head, go to the head and the governors.

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/10/2009 10:52

Thanks Inghouls and everyone. You know when you get a bit of self-doubt about your own judgement? I was livid when dd told me that but was thinking am I being a bit OTT - glad to know that I was right in being angry.

Oh what does it matter anyway dd is mortified, and I am sat here about to go into a meeting thinking she is being sneered at by a baying mob.

Bloody hell she is only 13, teenagres can be so wicked.

I have got high hopes for the school - I have alsways been delighted in how they act re these kind of things (dd had a bullying incident a couple of months ago which was nipped in the bud and reallly taken seriously) but the attitude of the teacher she spoke to (an art teacher, not her tutor) has really made think what the hell.

Oh bollocks to this I really have to go. Thanks everyone. Will report back in a bit - hopefully her year head will ring soon.

OP posts:

yellowvan · 20/10/2009 10:52

Aside from dealing with the name callers (and school really should be able to deal with this effectively as per policy)., do you think she has a girl-crush on this friend? Have you spoken to her about feelings for friend, and ways of expressing them/dealing with them in a way that doesn't threaten or freak out this friend (not blaming your DD at all, but it might have freaked friend a bit, writing on mirror seems an intense thing to do). Hope school are helpful.

bluebanana · 20/10/2009 10:53

sounds horrible and what a lovely mother you are for dealing with it

I was teased at school for having lesbian tendencies and eventually giving a chocolate bar which happened to be a laxative bar so they could all sit and laugh at the school lesbian. Thankfully, I changed schools at that point and it changed my life (my parents never listened and didn't really give a shit, was just good timing).

So good on you for taking it seriously as children can be so cruel and these things have a tendency to spiral out of control.

What is dd saying back now? Does she have a core group of friends that she can stick with (I mean are they joining in too)?

bluebanana · 20/10/2009 10:56

sorry didn't mean to sound alarmist, what I meant was it's far better to nip it in the bud now than let the situation fester!

Lizzylou · 20/10/2009 10:56

That is horrible, your poor DD.
She was just being sweet.
at the teacher saying that she had fuelled it too, you'd think they'd commend her being open minded.

The deep irony of all of this is that in a few years the very same girls who are teasing your DD now will be all faking "Lipstick Lesbian" poses for Facebook (if my teenage brother's FB page is anything to go by), it would seem it is all the rage.

You are doing the right thing by contacting the school, I am sorry that your DD's friend has taken something so innocent and made it into a huge issue which is upsetting your DD.
Good on her that she is obviously far more tolerant and open minded than her peers (and teachers)

AitchTwoToTangOh · 20/10/2009 10:56

i think livid is entirely the right response, i'd want to knock the teacher's block off.

notnowbernard · 20/10/2009 11:00

Indeed, someone needs to have a serious word with that art teacher

SolidGhoulBrass · 20/10/2009 11:01

Bloody homophobic twat of a teacher! Your poor DD. As others have said, don't let it lie, the school needs a short sharp clampdown on homophobia. Whether your DD is an affectionate girl who is open about her feelings, or whether she is a lesbian, she deserves to be treated with respect and courtesy.

MamaG · 20/10/2009 11:01

Bloody hell GOML what an awful situation for you. Your poor DD! Can't believe hte teacher said that. I don't have any constructive advice, but wanted to add my support. BTW I don't think writing that on the mirror was intense.

ZZZenAgain · 20/10/2009 11:01

teenagers can be utterly vile to each other, given have a chance.

I hope it can be turned around now

Zoya · 20/10/2009 11:24

Do you think the art teacher realised that her response actually condoned homophobic abuse of those who are gay or lesbian? what a divvy.

Because of that - and because of the kids coming up to her in the corridor being abusive - this sounds like it needs to be tackled on a whole-school basis. For that reason, I would take it to the year head AND to the head simultaneously. Good luck - your poor dd.

desertmum · 20/10/2009 12:36

I don't think writing on the mirror was intense either - my dd is always writing I love you to her girl friends on FB and by text, they do the same back. The teacher definitely needs reporting and sorting - that is a totally unacceptable way to behave. I am sure she wouldn't have said anything so outrageous if it had been bullying over colour or ethnicity, it shouldn't be allowed.

gagamama · 20/10/2009 12:50

Christ, that's awful. I'm particularly at the teacher's response! What if she'd been being teased about being mixed race, and she mentioned that her Gran was black and being told by a teacher that she'd added fuel to the fire by mentioning it! Unbelievable. It's basically saying that gay people are asking to be bullied.

It's a testament to your DD that she doesn't view 'gay' as an insult, but the ongoing bullying is absolutely unacceptable. I don't think there's any reasoning with 13 year old bullies... wonder what the head will have to say! Hope it gets sorted quickly.

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/10/2009 14:04

Thanks very much everyone

I have spoken to the year head (she called back pretty quickly) and I have told her what was said, I also told her what the art teacher said. Year head sounded utterly flabbergasted (pregnant silence down the phone) and said that she would speak to art teacher, I said that I wanted to speak to her and say that she didn't exaclty help dd with the comments made when dd turned to her for help.

I am afraid that I probably sounded a bit of a moron because I had just had a text from dd saying 'mum I am having such a crap day now (insert other friend) is laughing at me' so was a bit teary and sounded like an emotional mother.

Year head is going to ring me back when seen dd. I am going to request that I go in for a face-to-face and hopefully see the art teacher as well. Hopefully will be a bit more composed then.

Re mirror writing - yes I see out of context it seems a bit intense, however dd and her friend had written loads of crap all over the mirror in marker pen , such as Robert Pattinson, Paramore and (written by dd's friend) Best Friends Foreva.

I feel bloody awful for her. She is this great big 6 foot teenager and all I want to do is drive to the school, storm in, pick her up and take her home with me

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MamaG · 20/10/2009 14:57

Good news GOML, do keep us updated.

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn · 20/10/2009 15:08

Well handled GOML, understandable you feel so and am so, so shocked at her art teacher, glad to hear the year head was so obviously shocked too. Do let us know how it goes and btw, your DD sounds more intelligent and mature than some adults I know

Lizzylou · 20/10/2009 15:30

Aaw Gerroff, she's lucky to have you fighting her corner.
Good news about the Head.

frakula · 20/10/2009 15:36

Suggest that your DDs school look at resources from Stonewall

Your poor DD and poor you. Hope this gets sorted swiftly.

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