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how much 'back chat' do your teens get away with?

(35 Posts)
GypsyMoth Fri 25-Sep-09 16:34:11

i hate it!!

i just think to myself, 'i would never have dared speak to my parents like that'...but then,i'd be likely to have the threat of a slap hanging over me! can't do that these days,and they bloody well know it!

just said to dd,"no you can't go to the shop on your brothers bike" (its too small for her hence dangerous!) she retorted with a snappy 'mum,it's none of your business'. this is just one example of her gobby retorts. she has recently become both a teenager,in july,and started at the upper school,sept,so see's herself as supremely grown up!

i seem to ground her for the slightest thing these days. she says i'm way too strict.

how do you al get the balance right?

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Fri 25-Sep-09 16:44:13

Are you grounding her for backchat or more serious stuff? If it's for retorts I would say you are being a bit strict.

Teens are stroppy and think they know a lot, and sometimes her responses will come out in a way you don't like.

Could you talk to her about the way she speaks to you. Explain why you don't like it, that it's rude and see if she can make an effort to be more civil. Try to talk to her as if you understand where she's coming from, and give her the chance to show she can be grown up.

mumblechum Fri 25-Sep-09 16:45:47

I think I would have answered "The plasters and tcp are in the cupboard" and let her get on with it. She's just trying to wind you up, let it go over your head.

MaureenMLove Fri 25-Sep-09 16:46:58

None, basically. I rule with a rod of iron.grin

The only thing that gets on my wick is when she has to have the last word. Each time she has the last word, I take something off her. Laptop or her phone. It soon seems to stop her in her tracks.

GypsyMoth Fri 25-Sep-09 16:52:17

well she has 3 younger brothers...so don't want them copying/thinking that its acceptable,so feel i should address it somehow.

her elder sister is mainly easy,and very respectful,so this teenage behaviour is new to us.

she's very hot headed. taking phone/comp time etc doesn't work much with her...grounding,and not seeing her friends kills her. she hates it,which is why i think i'm doing it too often.

CybilLiberty Fri 25-Sep-09 16:56:12

I can stand moodiness and a bit of dramatic door slamming but I will not tolerate rudeness or cheek.

But..choose your battles wisely, just like with a toddler

brimfull Fri 25-Sep-09 16:58:17

no back chat here

DD went through a phase of being cheeky to me when her friends were around.

I told her I would tell her off in front of her friends next time she did it.
She never has done it again.

She does say some of her friends talk to their parents like shit.

GypsyMoth Fri 25-Sep-09 17:06:18

yeah,i get that a bit,the bravado in front of her friends.

BrigitBigKnickers Fri 25-Sep-09 17:27:20

I'm with maureenmlove-with my DD (13)(who always has to have the last word)I just keep taking things away till she shuts up. Then she has to earn them back over the next few days. With consistency this does work.

Having said that there are some things you have to ignore- my DD suffers with the most awful PMT which she is obviously too young to control at the moment so I tend to cut her a bit of slack at those times.

GypsyMoth Fri 25-Sep-09 17:29:39

no periods here yet for either dd ages 15 and 13. anytime soon i expect..

pagwatch Fri 25-Sep-09 17:42:12

I realise I am strange but we have absoloutely no back chat here at all. And no grounding either actually.
I rarely have to punish DS1 but he has known exactly what the rules are since he was small. he is too bright to do something when he absoloutely knows my punishment will be somethimg he really does not want to happen .

we have a great relationship as a consequence because he knows not to be rude or misbehave and i therefore don't have to punish him.

I don't recognise the way people talk abouttheir teenagers shouting and swearing atthem as if it is just something that teenagers do.But then I never shout at him or swear at him, Dh and I don't shout at each other so it is not something he sees as ok

And FWIW i have never slapped him either. If I had had to rely on physical punishment I would have been slightly screwed now he is 6ft tall and in the rugby team.

pagwatch Fri 25-Sep-09 17:45:14

sorry - kust realised mine read as if people on here have shouting swearing children and shout and swear at their children

I wasn't refering to the posters on this thread. I just mean other comments elsewhere on MN and in RL

Hassled Fri 25-Sep-09 17:51:32

Well DD (20, so not a teenager) have just had a really mature exchange in the kitchen after I had a go at her for not washing up after herself.
Me: "I'll just wash this grater then, shall I?"
DD: "Well I would have but getting past you into the kitchen is like getting between a hippo and water."
Me: "Well I'd spend less time in the kitchen if I wasn't always washing your fucking dishes."

Really constructive hmm. And I think I've ended up looking considerably worse.

But this is actually quite rare - the older DCs have pushed their luck but usually I have a zero tolerance approach. You do have to pick your battles, though - sometimes it's not worth getting wound up about.

teamcullen Fri 25-Sep-09 18:41:40

My DD isnt really that cheaky, it just sounds like she is when everything starts with "oh my God!!" and of course she is always right so if she disagrees she has to have her say.

The problem is her dad doesnt think she should have a different opinion than him so they are always arguing. He thorght she was the worst in the world until we went to Dublin in the summer and saw how his DN spoke to her parents.

GypsyMoth Fri 25-Sep-09 19:06:14

yes.a bit of perspective helps sometimes. both my dd's have said how horrified they were with certain friends behaviour towards there parents.

jalopy Fri 25-Sep-09 20:50:22

No back chat here, either. I wouldn't tolerate it and they wouldn't dare.

random Fri 25-Sep-09 20:57:53

It depends what you consider backchat..expressing a different opinion to mine fair enough

dogonpoints Fri 25-Sep-09 21:06:29

I think this depends, in part, on how you communicate with your dc.

I mean, you could say rather primly 'no you can't go on that bike' or you could say - as if you weren' t terribly bothered - 'get off that bike, you loon, or you'll break your neck'.

Teens are highly tuned to tone of voice.

ChookKeeper Fri 25-Sep-09 21:13:08

Difference of opinion is not a problem and usually leads to some interesting discussions.

Rudeness and talking to me like I'm something they've just stepped on is very rare but is a big no no and is jumped on straight away.

I agree about picking your battles and both of mine acknowledge that they know when they've gone too far 'cos if I go off on one angry it's rare but not a pretty sight grin.

Oh, and playing me off aginst DH does not and has not ever worked.

pagwatch Fri 25-Sep-09 21:17:45

expressing a different opinion isn't backchat in my book.
Backchat is rudeness.

I wouldn't be annoyed by my teenager disagreeing with me. I think it is healthy and normal.
But backchat. No

thepumpkineater Sat 26-Sep-09 09:28:35

I'm absolutely with Pagwatch on this one (earlier post).

I don't think disagreeing with my opinion is particularly 'backchat'.

piscesmoon Sat 26-Sep-09 09:39:09

I agree 100% with pagwatch. I don't have it. You stop it the very first time. I don't do it to them and so they can't point out that they are doing what I do, because I don't.
I have never had to hit or ground them. You have them from birth, so if you never let them do it they don't even think of it as teens. We disagree and argue but I expect us to listen to each others views- they don't backchat.

GypsyMoth Sat 26-Sep-09 11:56:28

so you don't get any backchat? interesting!!

i don't have a problem with different opinions. but the bike thing was an issue of safety,a large teen on a small boys bike. that wasn't going to happen!

other times,i get the last word thrown over their shoulder as they are leaving the room,the conversation has ended,but they get last word in. usually a critiscism of what i've just told them.

but yes,pick my battles i guess.

inthesticks Sat 26-Sep-09 14:15:51

No backchat here either but DS1 is developing a new air of patronising smugness. His latest expression when I nag ask him to do his homework or remember to take his PE kit etc is "leave it to me , I will take the consequences".
He's absolutely right of course.

noddyholder Sat 26-Sep-09 14:18:47

My ds is a PITA but not too much back chat He sometimes gives the impression he just tolerates us which I find hilarious but apart from that he's ok.has an opinion on every bloody thing though!

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