just had the worst sunday ever. rant alert.

[Tortington]

16 yo twins. 19 yo older bro - moved out 5 mins away with gf.

twins tend to doss at bros and come home the worse for wear. dd is currently grounded becuase of this.

ds1 came to visit yesterday and took ds2 with.

before they left, the twins (b,g, if you are now confused) had a huge row. ds2 left with ds1

dd turned round and started to shout at me, i sat here and let her.

she stormed upstairs ( i had at this point said nada)

banged about a LOT

stormed downstairs went outthe front door went round the block.

knocked on back door i let her in without a work and maybe a harsh look.

again halfway up stairs she starts shouting at me.

so i SHOUT "ENOUGH. RIGHT NOW. THAT IS ENOUGH!"

she storms out ( remember i was just the sounding board for displaced anger at her brother)

she doesn't return until 11pm - we had no idea where she was and i was frantic.

simultaniously ds2 comes back rom big bro's stoned. i mean fucking wasted.

my eldest has pushed - but i love him and he pushes - and i forgive i always forgive i love him.

but tonight i am going round to his flat to tell him that whilst i understand it is a decision made by the twins to drink or smoke at his house, he provides the stuff and the venue.

If he continues to do this, i will sever all contact with him and not speak to him again.

please remember that i am a liberal parent - and to get to this point i have been seriously treated like dirt for months.

i resent being treated as though i am stupid in my own home.

i have had enough.

i told the twins the same, that if they decide to do these things at ds1s flat that the three of them have decided that my relationship with ds1 is not important.

on their heads be it.

dh and i going round to his flat tonight.

this morning completely ignored dd, didn't say good morning, didn't tell her she looked nice for college, didn't ....well anything.

she came downstairs gave me a big hug and said she was so sorry and she wants us to be 'friends again'

ds2 this morning- nada. he isn't in college today. he is just in his room after i told him to tidy it properly - i mean properly. he hasn't started ant it's 2pm and i have told him twice already.

i am about to blow my top in a serious way.

anyway if you have got through that well done.

no advice needed just cathartic to write it down

feel a bit vulnerable and weepy and just generally fed up. ta.

[MadreInglese]

[MadreInglese]

do you want to cut all contact, or could you threaten something like police involvement on the drug side perhaps?

[Tortington]

ty

[Ivykaty44]

POOR YOU - i WOULD ACTUALLY FORGET THE SEVERING CONTACT AND STATE THAT IF DS1 DECIDES TO SUPPLY WITH POT AND DRINK THEN THE TWIN CAN STAY WITH HIM PERM - THIS MAY

sorry caps lock

Well make ds1 think as if he is landed with twin living then gf may take objection

Make sure gf is there too to hear this threat or promise.

[Tortington]

the police aren't intrested - what they gonna do?

and besides that is tantermount to cutting contact - calling the old bill.

ds would get a caution or a fine.

[Tortington]

thanks ivykaty. the three of them are like the musketeers. ds1 would gladly take them in. the gf adores him and would put up with it.

[LuluMamaaaaarrrrr]

oh dear, poor you custy

and what is DH doing ?

i think the cutting off all contact thing is a dangerous thing, as it is the sort of thing you can only issue once as a threat and if you don't carry it through, you're f*ed.

but what do i know, mine are 10 & 4

i feel for you though, it's tough

[MadreInglese]

more of a bluff threat IYSWIM

Actually if you do threaten to sever contact will it make him see just how serious you are?

[Tortington]

no lulu - you are right. it is a very dangerous thing.

[Tortington]

i hope so.madre, maybe i will throw in the police for good measure.

[LuluMamaaaaarrrrr]

if they all do end up living together, will the mess and squalor and irritation drive them back to you and they will realise it ain't so bad at home?

[MadreInglese]

or rather than "severing contact forever", perhaps "withdrawing contact whilst drugs malarky is ongoing"?

will someone (dh?) be backing you up or are you on your tod for this?

[Tortington]

dh doesn't do a lot. which is another part to this fkced up story.

dh has to look for another job as his is very insecure at the mo.

ad he's not even making an effort.

just totally surrounded by self obsessed, thoughtless, LAZY, LAZY fecks.

and i've had enough.

[Ivykaty44]

I wonder though how long the adoration would go on if it was "for real"

But not something you perhaps want to try out - although it may give you a break from it and peace in our time

Perhaps apeal to gf and ds1 better nataure thatthe pot will effect twins brain and he would be responsable in the furture for mental illness if it altered the chemicals - if they adore the twins so much ask why they would risk destroying their later lives.

My dd1 smokes and I asked her the other day was she happy for her ds to smoke (as of course little sisters copy there big sis) - oh no she doesn't want that that would be wrong.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Oh God Custy. Sorry to hear this.

I'd be storming round to DS1's myself too, but no idea what I'd say. Would the threat of the police work? It's better than threatening to cut contact with him though.

[Tortington]

lulu if you saw the state of their rooms, you would heave.

[Tortington]

ds1 absolutely knows the police can't do anything. he has been caught smoking on the beach - he got a fine. the police won't do anything.

[Tortington]

i dont think there is a workable solution.

thanks for listening.

xxxxxxx

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Oh christ how horrible. You must feel like a whipping boy.

DS1 is old enough to know that he is reponsible for ds2 whilst he is at his flat, and to let him come home bombed like that is just taking the piss. God knows what I would do actually, but would probably try to appeal to his better nature, like saying how hurt and worried you are, and disappointed etc.

With your dd I think you probably did the only thing you could do, dd gets in moods (she has terrible pmt like my mum, there is NOTHING anyone can do or say that is right for 2 days per month), I just ignore as much as I can, then say I will not be spoken to as if I am an idiot, and ask her to go to her room and take her laptop away. She then just lies there and festers. However she is like your dd in that she will apologise (and means it), and ordinarilty she has a sunny character anyway.

I would be worried about the pot smoking. God knows, no concrete advice as have never exprienced anything like it, but hope your chat with ds1 goes well tonight. Is it going to be all 5 of you having a confab about it?

[Hassled]

Bloody hell. FWIW, you sound like you have been admirably restrained.

I don't know that the severing contact thing will work.

a) because would you actually be able to do it? I know you've thought long and hard about this but still, could you actually do it? And if you buckle after a few months, the twins will see it as you making empty threats.

b) I don't think the punishment fits the crime. Yes, the twins have been bloody awful and DS1 has colluded, but putting full responsibility on 16 year old idiots for your contact with one of your children is too much. DS1 is being the real twat in all this. The twins are just being like 16 year olds are. That's not to say it's not fucking awful to have to deal with.

But I don't actually have a better solution. I'm sorry you're going through all this.

[DillyTantay]

god blimey
i think the drugs and drink thing is really the straw for me.
what IS he playing at?

[LuluMamaaaaarrrrr]

how about you leave and let them all stew in their own juice? camp out with a friend or with family for a week, and let them see how much you do and how much you hold things togethr

[MadreInglese]

Sounds like your having a right shite time

What about a convo about this involving all of you, over dinner or something (that sounds very corny now I've written it!)

[hottiebear]

Could you not sit down with DS1 and GF 'adult to adult' and explain the problem to them?

Something along the lines of the fact that the kids are actually in their care when the go round there and so while DS1 is 'their brother' they are essentially taking on an almost parental role and it is conflicting with yours?

DS1 might not get it but you may be able to appeal to maternal side of GF to look out for the best interests of your younger kids, who you say she adores, and you could try asking her if they were her kids would she think that giving them drink and drugs was ok? In a really non confrontational way.

DS1 probably loves looking so cool and grown up to his younger siblings, able to buy drink and get drugs and use them in his own home, its no wonder they think he's great and want to go round their all the time. But you need to try to get him to see that he's actually being childish and irresponsible (without calling him that). Appealing to his protective side, or talking to him about the fact that if you gave the twins drink and drugs then you would be a bad parent, and explain why, and essentially he is doing the same in this responsible role that he has now.

Essentially you want to get DS1 and GF on your side working with you. They have both just entered adulthood and might be more respectful if you can appeal to the side of them that wants to be grown up and responsible.