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University dilemma

6 replies

phoenix09 · 05/09/2009 17:17

My daughter achieved ABC instead of the ABB she needed to get into her 1st choice and Insurance Uni. Although her grades were very good it does look like she did not do enough revision and under estimated it. She was absolutely knocked off her feet (understandably) and went to pieces and refused to go into school to collect her grade notification. Eventually she went into clearing which was not a good place to be.
She was offered 2 University places which she declined due to location and not the course she exactly wanted. She is now reluctant to help herself move on from this, despite the fact that she has always wanted to go to Uni and was looking forward to it.
We have stated that we will be there to support her but she has to get a job or work experience related work while she re-sits. She is being very picky about where she wants to located and I believe this is due to a group of friends that she wants to remain close to locally. I have pointed out that some of those will be going to University and she can always see them in the term breaks. We have also said that she will have the time of her life at Uni and won't regret it. We have been tremendously supportive of her but she has not shown any interest in trying to help herself. When we ask her what she intends to do she gets rather angry and says that a degree doesn't define who you are as a person. She also pointed out that we did not go to University (which stuck in our throats somewhat! as she knows that we both wanted to). The latest statement was that she could also move out!! which really horrified us but we tried not to show it. She does seem to be very angry and that anger seems to be directed at us and not her circle of friends. I think that she has had a big shock but does not want to take any advice from us at all.

Should we be trying reverse physcology with her now? anyone else experienced similar problem. Any help/comments gratefully appreciated . Thanks Phoenix 09

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cory · 05/09/2009 20:54

Can I ask why you are horrified at her suggestion to move out? At her age, she is a young adult and may well need to move from home in order to find her independence. I would gently point out the practicalities to her: in order to move anywhere she has to have a job. But make it absolutely clear that moving out is the kind of adult decision she is perfectly entitled to make. Just that she needs to be adult about it.

On the other hand, if she stays, will she be able to do a job or work-related experience at the same time as re-sitting? That seems rather optimistic to me, if she was not able to get the desired grades while in fulltime education. Presumably she would need to spend more time on working this time, not less?

I would give her the following options (since she has already declined the university courses):

she either works hard at her resits in which case you will support her until November or whenever the exam is

or

she gets a job (not easy atm), in which case it is up to her if she wants to stay and pay you rent or move out to a place of her own

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fws · 14/09/2009 00:12

Hope this isn't too late, but I've only just read your post.

Give her time. My son also didn't get the grades he needed and was totally devastated too. Matters were made worse by the fact that all his friends got the university places they wanted. Your daughter is in shock now, because all she has planned for has been taken away and she feels a failure. But she has actually got good grades so only needs to re-take a couple of modules to get her results up to what she really needs. She should easily be able to do this and also work at least part-time.

Not rushing into accepting a clearing place was a good idea. Most universities accept re-takes quite happily so she should be able to re-apply and get in to the university she really wants next year. Talking to several admissions tutors over the past couple of days, I found that they emphasise making the most of the gap year by getting work experience so that is a great idea. Because of the changing exams, she'll need to arrange re-takes in January though. Once she has her module results in March she will definitely know which university offer to accept and will be able to enjoy the rest of the gap year

Encourage her to think positively and make the most of the gap year - she could easily travel or save money ready for the following year. She needs to feel that the gap year can be positive and she can leave home (as all her friends will be doing and she was anticipating) and enjoy travelling or volunteering after a few weeks hard work. Refer her to www.thestudentroom.co.uk which has discussions about the benefits of a gap year.

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fws · 14/09/2009 00:13

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phoenix09 · 19/09/2009 11:11

Thanks for your last post FWS.

I was panicking quite a bit but my daughter went away for a week with her friends and I hink the break did us all godd. I mean that in a positive way because the atmosphere in the house was rather tense. My daughter spoke more to us that week by text than she usually does when she is at home which is also another good sign.

She seems to be anxious and fiery again this week though but I think this is beacause all her long known friends are heading off to University this weekend so she has thrown herself into a new relationship and is staying out quite a bit at night now which we are not that happy about but at 18 going on 19 we have no control. She has an interview for a job which is about 25 hours per week which does mean that she could study part time she is re-taking a subject in January but has to wait until June to take the other which has put her off a bit.
She is now thinking of lowering her expectations of the University she goes to and retaking one module in January 2010.

To anyone outside of the family this may not seem like a big deal but I am so anxious about her choices she makes and I know I can't interfere but it still makes me panic.

Any unbias views would be appreciated. Thanks for your comments.

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mumeeee · 19/09/2009 18:29

Hi phoenix09. Just giving you hugs and support. DD2 19 didn't get into any universities of her choice last year. So had an unplanned Gap year, she had a copule of part time jobe but only until the end of December. She went on jobseekers allowence but did try hard to find a full time jobm She reapplied for university this year and did stuff that would help her with her choice of course EG Dance classes and getting involved with theatre groups. Anyway she has now gone off to university,we took her on Thursday 10th September) and sems to have settled in well. I think this year has helped her to mature(well a bit) and she is now much more capable of coping with university than she would have been last year, Yes I still wory about her and she did sometimes come in late, But as you've said you can't really stop her at 18.
I gradully learnt to relax and just let her get on with things.

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phoenix09 · 19/09/2009 21:32

Thanks Mumeeee for your advice. Sounds like your daughter did the right thing and glad she has settled into University life already!!. My daughter seems very reluctant to take any of our advice really one of her tutors suggested that she did a specific piece of work this year but once again has said to hubby and I that she doesn't think she'll need to do it . It seems like she has gone off the boil. Sometimes I think that her relationships have been given more priority then her studies and has distracted her somewhat. She has a very active social life and rarely spends time on her own.

Oh well - I will see what the next few weeks has in store.

Phoenix09