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Ruined holiday?

(19 Posts)
littlepollyflinders Sun 09-Aug-09 06:13:28

Dd (17) has, it seems, a form of ME.
We are only in the early stages of seeking treatment.

But need some advice please.
She has gone on holiday with 3 girlfriends. They are staying in our flat in France so at least it is somewhere she knows and should feel like 2nd home to her.
BUT although her friends are aware of her panic attacks (one of her symptoms) they've never had to really deal with her when she's having one.
She has now identified that the panic attacks only happen when she is out and about and getting too tired. There is a lot of learning she still has to do about how she can cope with her condition.

She rang me tonight very upset that they were all out and she was getting tired but they'd only taken one set of keys out so she had to wait for them etc etc.
I told her to make it clear to them that her energy levels weren't the same as theirs and they should all negotiate how the holiday will work best for all.

She texted me later to say they said they would go out and she would stay at the flat watching movies.
She is so upset and saying worst holiday ever, wants to come home or me to join her, blah blah.

SO my question is - what do I do?
To think that she will get bored with being on her own and miraculously get the energy to go clubbing after a couple of days is not likely.
To think that the others will have similar change and decide to stay in with her is just as unlikely.
I hate the idea of using this as a 'she's got to learn to toughen up' scenario and obviously don't want to think of her being unhappy and bored because of the ME while her friends are enjoying themselves.

We can't change flights as two of the girls have paid for tickets themselves and the other has already changed hers once, neither can dd come home leaving the other three there as we don't want teenage girls we hardly know using the flat.

Is it ridiculous of me to think of going down for three or four days (couldn't do and wouldn't want to do the whole week)?

Dd is forever optimistic that she can do more than her body will allow her and who can blame her for that? I'm always thrilled when she disappears for hours at a time rather than sitting at home in front of tv complaining of swollen glands, fevers etc.
(She's had countless bloodtests - it isn't glandular fever or anything else)

Having, literally, sleepless night over this.
Hope someone can advise.

Goblinchild Sun 09-Aug-09 08:23:32

I'm coming from the point of view of having an able ASD teenager who is learning to recognise when he's becoming overloaded by situations.
Your daughter was very brave to have gone on holiday without you, but she needs to take control of some of the circumstances so that she can back out when she needs to,
So, her own set of keys definitely.
Enough cash on her at all times to take a taxi back to the flat.
A typed card to offer the driver if she is too exhausted or inarticulate to explain (sometimes happens to my son)
I really do know the temptation to rush in and help, and have given in to it on several occasions. The times that have worked better are those where I've made back up plans and been on the end of the phone rather than turning up as the safety blanket.
You daughter needs to come to terms with what she can do at the moment, push herself a step beyond that but not too far, and it's a tricky balance. She also needs to keep the friend she has, and developing her independence will help her do this.
If she can explain again, clearly and without getting upset, exactly what she needs from them, then they will know and hopefully react appropriately. Especially if they ever want to go on holiday with hr again.
It really isn't an easy situation for anyone involved, are all the others the same age?
Hope it works out.

littlepollyflinders Sun 09-Aug-09 11:39:44

Thanks for the advice Goblin.
I concur with everything you've said and also agree that things are better when we don't rush in to help.

All the girls are 17 and I really hope that they will be able to be understanding.
I suspect that she wouldn't get upset with them to their faces but will save the moaning for me!

Katymac Sun 09-Aug-09 11:47:04

As an adult with ME I think Goblinchild's advise is excellent

The card with address on is one I have used as is emergency get home money or an account with a taxi company - they used to get a call from me I would mutter my name & where I was they would come & get me deliver me home (into the house) & bill me by post

Also explaining to the others what is needed & why - I used to end up writing things down because I just couldn't explain over & over again

littlepollyflinders Sun 09-Aug-09 17:57:31

Sorry to hear you are a sufferer Katymac and thanks for the support.

The situation is getting worse as the girls (they are only 17!) are not being at all understanding and she is feeling very isolated.

I really am in despair for her and very close to going out to see her but still not sure that's the best thing...

Katymac Sun 09-Aug-09 19:03:24

Will it make things better? If so how?

Will the other girls resent your presence?

How will it change things?

How much longer are they there for?

wilbur Sun 09-Aug-09 19:13:31

Gosh, littlepolly, that sound like a very difficult situation. I am quite shock at your dd's friends not being willing to curtail some of their nights out so your dd can come along too. After all, they are staying in YOUR flat and would not be having this holiday if it were not for your dd. It seems very selfish. Could you speak to one of their mums and see if you can get her to point out how lucky they are having a free holiday in the South of France? If my dd were being unsupportive to one of her friends in a situation like this, I would kick her ass. Big time. One of my best friends has a niece with ME, so I know how difficult and unpredictable it can be. I hope your dd finds a way to feel better soon.

Katymac Mon 10-Aug-09 09:14:04

How are things today?

littlepollyflinders Mon 10-Aug-09 10:02:14

It had briefly crossed my mind to do that Wilbur but part of me thinks they should be old enough to sort it out between themselves hmm

Things aren't much better, thanks Katy.
And to answer your questions:
It would only be better as dd would feel she had someone on her side.
And yes the others would resent it - from what I gather they already think she's a bit of a mummy's girl.
Not sure any change would be beneficial - I think those friendships are probably over for her sad
And they come back next Monday.

I told dd last night that if things were really so awful for her she should come home and tell them to make their own accommodation arrangements for the rest of the week.
Of course she won't be able to do that.

Rindercella Mon 10-Aug-09 10:16:52

Littlepolly, I really feel for your DD (and for you!). When I was in my late teens I had ME, preceeded by very bad glandular fever. I felt as though I spent my teens being constantly ill. So I do understand what your DD is going through now.

There is a week of their holiday left, which must feel like eternity to your DD at the moment. Teenage girls can be the most bitchy and thoughtless people on Earth, so I guess she really must feel isolated from the group. Is there one friend to whom she is closer? Perhaps they could sort of pair off and do their own thing in the evenings -perhaps they can all go out for dinner and then the two of them could go for a quiet drink & leave the others to go clubbing?

Also, perhaps your DD could do less during the day to try & conserve her energy levels.

Personally I don't think you should go out there, however great the temptation is. I think that would probably make the situation worse for your DD and make her feel even more isolated from her 'friends'. I realise a lot of this is compromise on your DD's part and not asking an awful lot of her friends, but unfortunately it is going to be a tough lesson to learn.

I really, really feel for your DD. Reading your OP took me right back to being 17 again.

margotfonteyn Mon 10-Aug-09 13:47:55

Perhaps if you 'threaten' to go out there (but not actually go), the other girls will suddenly become a bit more helpful and sympathetic to your daughter. Surely they would be a bit embarrassed, if nothing else, to be 'caught out' being less than pleasant by the owner of the property!

Obviously it would not be genuine sympathy but it might just make it a bit better until it's time to come home.

Teenage girls can be truely horrible to each other, they may have all fallen out for other reasons, even if your daughter wasn't ill.

littlepollyflinders Mon 10-Aug-09 15:48:10

You are SO right margot and Rindercella about teenage girls and it's pretty much a given that you fall out with whoever you go on holiday with, isn't it?
And I'm also sure that now dd has started to feel isolated and left out anything they do will add to her reasons for not enjoying the holiday - she can be a bit negative at times but if you feel as rough as she can I suppose that's only to be expected.

Rindercella Tue 11-Aug-09 22:45:36

Hi LittlePolly, just wondered how your DD was getting on? Are her friends being a little kinder to her now? I really hope so and hope too that she enjoys the rest of her holiday smile

littlepollyflinders Wed 12-Aug-09 10:10:36

Thanks Rindercella - looks like they're finding a way to work it out which means dd spending time alone sad but it's definitely left the friendships fragile.
And she knows she will be a lot more careful in choosing holiday companions in future.

tatt Wed 12-Aug-09 12:59:46

best option would be for the other girls to take it in turns to keep her company. But teenagers are selfish. If you know their parents I'd be inclined to speak to them and tell them what is happening, trying not to say anything more than that having provided a flat for them you'd have liked them to be more considerate.

Although my first instinct would probably be to dash out she's almost an adult and must learn to manage her life herself.

optimisticmumma Wed 12-Aug-09 19:29:47

So sorry you are having all this...
Just wanted to say my DD has had ME for 2 years and is at last free of it...
Come over to our support thread if you would like to when this initial problem is over. There are other older DDs on there too - it may help! (under Children's Health I think - I will put message on for you to find us.)
Good luck in the meantime..

littlepollyflinders Thu 13-Aug-09 09:51:16

Thanks optimistic.
I shall look out for it.

Yes tatt teenagers are selfish and teenage girls are particularly awful and yes she's managing it but we can't help but worry, can we, 'cause that's what we do...

optimisticmumma Thu 13-Aug-09 15:34:22

Hope you are feeling a bit better today LPF.
I think you will just have to get through this week and put it down to experience. If your DD does have CFS/ME you and her will definitely find out who her true friends are. Our thread, btw is 22 pages long and charts the ups and downs of the illness in our DC since OCTOBER!!!!!I'm sure if you print it off you will find a lot of very useful stuff in there, but if you want to talk and join in too you will be made very welcome....

dwardle Sun 16-Aug-09 12:45:36

Hi - not sure you are still looking at this thread - my dd has had me too (or cfs) and really suffered with panic attacks so I can guess how you may feel.The other prob with me is it can make you see life in a fairly negative way - seeing the problems, rather than the solutions. This will compound the probs with friends. Come and look at the tread on cfs - we have all been in your boat for a while!

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