Please help with my ds, I just can't cope anymore

[Anna1964]

My ds is still only 10 so I hope it is ok to post on here. I wasn't sure where else to post.

I have 2 dss, one is 11 and I have absolutely no probs with him, he is a pleasure to have around.
However ds2 is totally different. He is very advanced physically for his age, size 8 feet, tall and big for his age. He has always been hard work from a baby but is I feel he is now getting beyond my control. He is so rude, swears all the time and just causes a bad atomsphere all the time. He has spat at me, hit me, called my all sorts of names. He says he hates his life, he was an accident, (which he wasn't) and seems depressed and aggressive. My dh works away for a couple of weeks at a time, and is then at home for a while, and it used to be better when dh was home. Now it makes no difference. Dh is normally pretty good with him but even he is finding it hard now. I have tried allsorts, early bed., grounding, no pocket money but it doesn't work. I phoned his teacher but she says he is fine at school and he is probably testing his boundaries but I think it goes way beyond that. What worries me is that you here of young males committing suicide, and while that might sound extreme, depression is in our family. My Grandad committed suicide and my dad is on ADs.

I don't know where to go to help him. My gp is useless. I thought about seeing the school nurse, because ATM I just feel like I can't have him near me, I dislike his so much. I just want him to grow up and leave home ASAP. It just wasn't supposed to be like this. Perhaps I am just a useless mother.

Sorry to go on so much, it just all came out. Has anyone any advice? I would be so grateful.

[OliviasNanny]

Hi Anna, no you are not a useless mother, otherwise u wouldn't be so concerned asking for help.

Have u talked to your son? Try and get him to open up to you. Maybe the problems are deeper than him misbehaving. Ask him to tell u of his problems and if he does have any, find a solution.

Is your dh any help? maybe he can talk to him instead? perhaps its with your dh being away so much that its making your son behave like this. If its just a behavoural problem, can u not take his playstation away? I'm sorry I dont have much good advice Could u transfer GP's? Perhaps get him appointment with child specialist at behavoural unit at hosp? I really dont know what to say but keep us informed.

[Anna1964]

Thanks OliviasNanny, I do try to talk to him but I don't get very far. He doesn't seem to open up to me. I know it doesn't help with dh being away but he has worked away since before the kids were born. I have always had them on my own for half the time. Dh does try with him but he finds him hard to get through to.
I have just told him to do his homework and he just said 'get lost you pig'.I didn't shout, just told him quietly how rude he was and I am putting his book into his bag and tomorrow when he gets to school he will panic if he hasn't done it. But as far as I am concerned, it will serve him right, he can learn the hard way.

I am going to see the school nurse next week, who is supposed to be very good to see if she can advise me. ATM though i feel like going out the front door tonight and not coming back.

[stitch]

maybe you should stop trying all the negative stuff.
try rewards for good behaviour, and ignoring the bad behaviour?
send him to stay with your sister or brother for a week?
send him away camping?
good lluck

[tiddlypom]

I'm afraid I was a very difficult child, unlike my older sister who was very good. Part of my problem was that I became very good at being bad, since I seemed to stand no chance of being as good as my sister - so I got into a real rut of living down to expectations.

Could you try really hard to reinforce any good points ds2 has? Even if it's something small he's good at, eg drawing, or singing in tune, or remembering the way to places. If he's big and strong, could you get him to do stuff for you, like open jars (I get my ds to do that for me) or carry in heavy shopping? If he's given more responsibility around the house, and you and dh praise him (a lot) for that, his self-esteem should improve.

One final thought, and this might be a complete red herring, if he's good with animals, could you possibly get him a pet to look after? I know this was suggested for me, in terms of giving me something to love, care for and be responsible for.

(FWIW me and my sister now get on very well, but she says it was quite a burden for her to be the good one all the time - I did all the badness in the family.)

[fostermum]

i agree with whats been said turn the tables and praise for what he does do, when it good and ignor the bad, he sounds like he seeking your attention, maybe he feels left out if brother is well behaved, get him to do some thing simple even if its taking his dishes out then say ,hay thanks for that i really aprechiate it,and bite your tounge and walk away when he being horrible

[Anna1964]

Thanks for your advice. I think he always has felt like he is 'the naughty one' tbh and I will try ignoring the bad and not trying to make a big thing of it and praising him when he is good.
Well, I don't think I can completely ignore the bad but I will not react strongly to it.
I did give him a big cuddle this morning and he said that he knows I hate him really, but I said that of course, I do love him.
I do feel like I dislike him sometimes but I always live him.
He was going to get a pet hamster for his birthday, but changed his mind and wanted a remote control car instead, but we have a dog and he thinks the world of her. We have planted some seeds that he got in a garden set for his birthday and we did it together, sunflowers, pumpkins and so on, so I am hoping he stays interested in his own garden patch as such. I am really going to try and chill a bit though. I feel much better today than I did yesterday. Thanks again for your advice

[fluppy]

Hi Anna1964. Some good advice here from everyone. And I love your idea of planting seeds together. I just wanted to add that I think you might consider seeking a referral to a paediatrician/psychologist/whatever specialist is available locally (see what your GP can offer). As well as the behavioural issues discussed by others here, I would be keen to exclude some other underlying causes for his behaviour/mood if he were referred to me. You do mention that he is physically very advanced for his age; does he have any other physical signs of puberty?

I think if things don't improve you would really benefit from some input from a child/family psychologist: you are doing a grand job but you deserve some help. How awful it must be for you to be the target of his anger and frustration when you love him so much. Whatever the reason for his behaviour, you deserve his respect and affection and he deserves to feel happy, secure and comfortable in his skin.

The usual route for referral is via your GP. However, some psych services accept self-referrals so this might be a possibility if your GP is not helpful. However, I hope he would take your concerns seriously if you explain clearly your worries about your son's behaviour and mood, and the effect it is having on the family.