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When your children go to bed later than you when do you get any time together?

(23 Posts)
LoveMyGirls Fri 03-Jul-09 18:40:54

I obviously mean to chat, watch unsuitable tv, have sex etc?

My dd1 is coming up to 10yrs she is starting to want to go to bed later. We go to bed at about 10pm she has asked if she can go to bed at 10pm when she is 11 so I'm wondering as she'll be too young to go out anywhere in the evenings when will we get any time alone unless we get a babysitter and go out but then we're not really going out type people and usually can't afford to go out anyway.

What does everyone else do?

When I was young (about 12/13) I stayed up until 9pm then had to go to my room to read/ listen to radio, sometimes we'd be allowed to stay up later at weekends or if we were on holiday.

webwiz Fri 03-Jul-09 20:22:25

Well my DS is 12 and he still goes to bed at 9pm or he wouldn't be able to get up for school in the morning. He'll be sticking to that for a while and if he isn't tired he can read in bed. I wouldn't want him to be up any later than that. My DDs are 16 and 17 and they don't have a bedtime anymore and are obviously up and around late at night but they do different things in the evening, they might watch tv or be on facebook on the computer or just listening to some music somewhere in the house. 10pm seems quite late for an 11 year old to me - my DS was wiped out when he started in year 7 last september and he was probably going to bed closer to 8.30pm then and falling asleep within seconds.

mumeeee Fri 03-Jul-09 22:57:24

Our DD's bedtime was 10pm at 14. They were still going to bed at 9 at 11 years old. DD2 and 3 are 19 and 17 and they go to bed so obviosly they don't have a bedtime. They spend quite a lot of the time in thier rooms
doing tenage stuff.

foxinsocks Fri 03-Jul-09 22:59:32

mine go to bed quite late now

I tend to find they will occupy themselves in the morning (make themselves breakfast, watch tv, play, read, whatever) so that's quite a nice time to be together I find

janeite Fri 03-Jul-09 23:00:12

Dd1 is 14 and dd2 is 12. Lights out is 9.30 on a school night, so they can choose whether to stay up until then or to go up a bit earlier and read until 9.30. I personally think that 10 o' clock for an 11 year old is too late.

maltesers Fri 03-Jul-09 23:06:48

any time together?? you dont !!
Once they stay up after you then you are just glad when they go to sleep over at a mates house. My middle child is 18 and last nite went out clubbing with a friend. They staggered in at and woke me and sos' ...GGGRRRHH ! However, tonight she is sleeping over at her friends after clubbing in her mates home town....hooray !

Lilymaid Fri 03-Jul-09 23:15:24

10pm for an 11 year old is too late - reserve that for special occasions. Up to bed at 9, lights out at 10.
You won't get any time together as adults in the evenings except when your DCs are away on sleepovers etc. When teenagerdom really sets in they don't get up in the morning, so that is your time for chat and sex.

TrinityRhino Fri 03-Jul-09 23:33:29

10 pm for a ten year ol dis far too late
dd1 is nine and goes to bed at 7.30

she has to be up for 7am for school
sometimes she gets 8pm ina weekend night

tonight she didn't go to bed till 10pm but thats only because she has no school for six weeks and she was watching a house renovation programme with dh

TrinityRhino Fri 03-Jul-09 23:34:17

sorry I meant 11 year old

PurpleLostPrincess Fri 03-Jul-09 23:43:06

DD1 is nearly eleven and she needs to go to sleep around 9/9.30 in order to get up in the morning. DS however is 15 and struggles to sleep so is often up late. We go to bed anywhere between 11 and 12 but he's normally in his room listening to music or on the computer trying to relax for sleep. He pops in every now and then so we just pause the tv or whatever we're doing but we're very frank - if we want proper time alone for sex or something, we just tell him not to disturb us and lock the bedroom door lol!

We are quite privileged though because my older DC's go to their dads every other weekend overnight so we make sure we have our quality time then - lots of noisy sex lol!

LoveMyGirls Sat 04-Jul-09 07:47:47

Thanks everyone.

So I'm thinking maybe the plan could go something like this for now?

Dd1 is 9 now so goes up at 8pm in a few weeks she'll be 10 and it will be summer hols so she can go up at 8.30 and read til 9pm then once she's back at school it will be back to going to bed at 8.30pm until she settles back into the routine, towards the middle/ end of sept she's on hols with grandparents who will prob let her stay up late. during hols she can go back to reading in bed til 9pm.

What would you all do after that, how do I progress it from there, at what age do I let her choose her own bedtime?

TrinityRhino Sat 04-Jul-09 08:06:13

make sure she gets time with you, time for fun stuff on her own and dont bother changing it

bed times dont just keep going up with age

if she needs the sleep, she needs the sleep

try and take the importance off a later bedtime (no idea how)

if she gets up at 7am then thats only 10 hours at most

maybe enough, maybe not
only you will know

piscesmoon Sat 04-Jul-09 08:34:16

I would love to have them in bed until 7pm until they leave home!!!
I remember being cross as a DC because my mother was strict with bed times, and then once I got older and stayed up she relaxed with my younger brothers. I now understand her fully when she said that we went to bed so she could have time on her own and once you have one up you might as well have them all up!
You get used to it after a while and I now have no idea what time they go to bed-we go first. They also go out a lot which helps-except that I then lie awake waiting to hear them come in.
Encourage them to go on sleepovers, stay with grandparents, go to scout camp etc!

Hassled Sat 04-Jul-09 08:40:11

Basically you don't get time together at all until it reaches the point that they are either "out" (so you spend your evenings worried about where they might be) or holed up in their bedrooms hating you. Then they go to University and you get too much time alone together.

sarah293 Sat 04-Jul-09 08:46:30

Message withdrawn

purepurple Sat 04-Jul-09 08:54:55

DD is nearly 13 and she goes to bed at 9pm. Well, she goes to her room at 9pm grin. I don't mind if she reads or whatever, it just gives me and DH a bit of unwind time.
DS is grown up and goes to bed when he wants, but he never comes out of his room and god forbid that he would actually want to talk to us. (Except when he wants something, food, money etc hmm

ABetaDad Sat 04-Jul-09 08:56:34

LoveMyGirls - a 10/11 yr old going to bed at 10 is far too late in my view.

When I went to boarding school the bed times (lights out, in bed) were as follows and I think they still apply today if a teenager is physically active and at school today.

11/12 8.00 p.m.
12/13 8.15 p.m
13/14 8.30 p.m
14/15 8.45 p.m
15/16 9.00 p.m

In the 6th form we had to be physically in our bedroom by 10.00 pm.

My view is they go to bed at a certain time and are allowed to read until a certain time after that but not just wandering about the house. Our DS1 is 9 and is already pushing the 8.30 boundary whenever he can at weekend but normally in bed by 7.45 and allowed to read until 8.15 p.m.

We are also having a lock fitted to our bedroom door next week. The last few months we have increasingly found our DSs are impinging on our privacy a little too much. The boundaries need to be set if people are living together in the same house and I certainly do not want DS1 wandering about the house at 10 pm by next year.

Mumwhensdinnerready Sat 04-Jul-09 14:50:17

I was always strict on bedtimes, putting them back a little each birthday. Both DSs are allowed reading time when they go to bed.
DS2 is 11 and bedtime is 8.30pm school nights and 9pm weekends and holidays.

DS1 is 13 and until recently his bedtime was 9.15pm school nights and 10pm weekends etc. However after some negotiation I've recently allowed him to go when he wants at weekends and holidays. He's usually in bed not much after ten and he feels he has much more freedom so it's stopped a lot of arguments.I'm often in bed long before him but DH is a night owl so DS's seldom last up. School days he's still in bed for 9.30.

Know what you mean about the "watching unsuitable t.v.". I don't like him watching some of the stuff that I want to see such as Ashes to Ashes or Waking the Dead, nor do I want t.v.s in bedrooms ,

bigchris Sat 04-Jul-09 15:04:27

we had a 9pm bedtime until I was 16 i think
my mum always went to ed at 10pm so after that she'd come in to the lounge and say goodnight and 'isn't it time for bed' right until we left home grin
even when I came home from uni I always felt like I should go to bed at 10pm, lol
now I go to bed at 10pm still and read til 10.30pm grin

EccentricaGallumbits Sat 04-Jul-09 15:23:20

DD2 is 11 and goes at 9. DD1 is 13 and I can just about lever her into her room at 9.30. They go a bit later at weekends - in bed by 10. DH works silly hours and goes at 7pm.

I am so sexually deprived I am lusting after anything male (or female).

DH and I are planning a weekend away soon just so we can have sme sex, go to bed early and lie in in the morning.

Drives me bonkers.

maltesers Sat 04-Jul-09 16:27:56

good for you Ecentrica... have a good sexy weekend.. F>U>N>
You let them choose their own bedtime by about 15 when you cant stand arguing with them any longer about what time they go to bed. Especially at the weekends , Fri and Sat nite.
My DD 18 plus went out yesterday and hasnt come back. She went clubbing then stayed at her friends, so we didnt get woken up in the early hours...great. She is working today so even more peace here. !!!!

maltesers Sat 04-Jul-09 16:29:58

BTW.. my 8 year old normally goes to bed a t 8pm, unless its choir practice which ends at 8pm, so then he is in bed by 8.45pm...bit late, but hey -ho !

mumeeee Sat 04-Jul-09 22:31:09

We let our DD's choose thier own bedtime at 16. DD3 is 17 now and she often choses to go to bed at 10. Actually the same bedtime she had when she was 15. On the other hand our 19 year old is rarely in bed before 12.30.

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