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I know DS (15) and his gf are having sex but I have every right to say I don't want them sleeping together, don't I?

(37 Posts)
PurpleLostPrincess Thu 02-Jul-09 17:00:48

I fell pg with DS when I was 16 years old and he knows the circumstances around it (I was a good christian girl who ended up getting pg). My parents thought they were open with me but actually I couldn't talk to them at all, esp my mum, because her reactions to stuff were hurrendous!!! So as a result, I have tried to make sure that DS and I have good communication etc and so far so good (I'm not under any illusions that this will always be the case lol!). He told me when he had his first kiss, he told me when he lost his virginity (last year) and we've been very open about condoms etc and encouraged him to try and make sure its only with a special girl, not to two-time etc and STD's/pg etc without preaching or lecturing. He's had a gf for nearly 4 months and she's a lovely girl with problems of her own but nonetheless she is a great influence on him and he keeps telling me 'she's the one mum!!' <<<awwwww icon>>>>.

Anyway, we've had her at the house quite a bit lately and got to know her. Her mum is always at her bf's house so I often get begged to give her a lift home as her house is the other side of town and the busses don't run after a certain time. I'm happy to provide lifts etc but last weekend I was in pain (af!) and didn't want to go out in the evening. Turned out she would have been in the house on her own so we invited her to stay over provided her mum was OK with it and that they stayed in separate beds. They did stay in separate beds (I stayed up to make sure and checked through the night lol!).

Anyway, we've invited her to come on holiday with us in August - its in a static caravan and we all enjoy each others company (I've heard this is strange for teenagers!?). I know they'll probably find opportunities to have sex and as long as they are discreet and use protection I don't see the point in trying to stop them. By the way, he is 15 and she is 16. Anyway, DH thinks they should be allowed to sleep in the same bed but I'm saying NO WAY, NEVER!!!! I just don't think it's right for them to sleep together or for us to encourage it, whether they're having sex or not, I think they're too young...

I'd really value your opinions - I'm not going to change my mind on this but do like to hear what other people think just to add a bit of perspective...

Thanks in advance smile

Rhubarb Thu 02-Jul-09 17:03:59

I wouldn't let them. You might think they are having sex, but I would have rules. Your house and they have to respect that. If your ds wants to break the law, he can do it elsewhere.

Have you had a chat with him about contraception? Even if she says she's on the pill, he does know to wear a condom right?

Have a talk with him, don't encourage your ds to break the law, lay down the rules of staying at your house/caravan.

mumblechum Thu 02-Jul-09 17:04:18

I don't really get why having sex is ok but sharing a bed isn't.

slayerette Thu 02-Jul-09 17:10:51

You seem very relaxed about all the decisions he has made so far even though he must have been 14 when he lost his virginity which as Rhubarb have said is, of course, breaking the law and he still is, as is his girlfriend. So I'm sorry but it seems a bit hypocritical of you to suddenly get upset about them sharing a bed. What are they going to do differently as a result of sharing a bed that they're not already doing with your knowledge and approval?

BodenGroupie Thu 02-Jul-09 22:19:36

What does the GF's mum think?

fucksticks Thu 02-Jul-09 22:25:41

so sex is fine as long as its hidden away and not spoken about but sharing a bed and cuddling through the night is forbidden?
you're giving out a dodgy message there!

if you're happy with the way things are between them and trust your son then I'd let them share a bed (as long as GF and her parents were happy with that too obviously)

Assuming that they stay together, when will they be allowed to sleep in the same bed? when he turns 16? but if he's already having sex and you're accepting of that, then not sure why sleeping in the same bed isn't allowed.

Is it just that you don't want to be present in the same house when they may be potentially having sex? you don't want to hear anything etc? Because I could understand that.

PurpleLostPrincess Fri 03-Jul-09 13:43:11

Hello, sorry should have explained a bit better - he knows I don't approve of him having sex or like it but I'd rather he was honest about it and used protection etc. Again, I think it stems from how my parents were with me - the more they told me not to and disapproved, the more I did it!!

Yes, you're right, I don't want to be in the same house while it is actually happening either lol!

Yes, that is the crucial part rhubarb - he knows where we keep the condoms and helps himself or asks DH if he needs any. So far he's not too embarassed to ask but I'm sure he'll happily buy some if he needed to.

When he told me about losing his virginity I was absolutely gutted but I didn't freak out at him or he wouldn't have opened up to me again. I calmly told him how I felt and my beliefs but I'm under no illusions that he's suddenly going to abstain just because mum doesn't like it (which is what my parents seem to think!). There have been times when he has opened up to me about stuff and I've been able to help (other stuff) so I think its important to keep the lines of communication open. At the same time, I think he should respect my rules under my roof - I don't impose my beliefs on him and the way he leads his life but surely while he's living at home I have a say in what goes on under my roof?

Yes, I feel I have a responsibility to his GF's mum too - she seemed relieved to hear that I was making them sleep in separate beds at least. Not sure if she's aware of whether or not they are having sex - she seems to preoccupied with her own boyfriend to be honest imo but that's not the issue here...

As far as when will they be able to sleep in the same bed goes: when they're married!!! I know that sounds totally whacko but that's what I believe. If I had my way, he would have waited but that's not reality is it! smile

I do see where you're coming from but only about 50% of people actually get married these days so I wonder what you'll do if they decide marriage isn't for them?

GypsyMoth Fri 03-Jul-09 19:46:47

ugh!! Marriage! I'd be disappinted if any of my DC put relationships on hold untill they were 'married'....... In fact I'd be bloody disapointed if they were thinking of it at any point!

Just one look on the relationships section should put them off

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Fri 03-Jul-09 20:32:04

My DD is 19, she lives with her boy friend at his mums house, they have sex, obviously. She talks openly to me about contraception, always has done. I have the odd little joke with her about things, but she doesn't want to be talking to her mum about that sort of thing I would however, be really uncomfortable if she had sex here, in my house, while i was in it. No no no no no! They would have to have separate beds.

mummy247 Fri 03-Jul-09 22:35:21

you say if there discreet theres no point in tryin to stop them so whats the difference to them sharing a bed ??

aGalChangedHerName Fri 03-Jul-09 22:39:09

Mu ds and his gf sleep together here and at er house. I don't see why,if you are ok with them having sex,sleeping in the same bed is a problem?

expatinscotland Fri 03-Jul-09 22:47:32

I'm with agalch. Meh. I don't have a problem with my kids sleeping in the same bed as their boyfriend/girlfriend in my home.

Or with teenage sex.

As long as everyone's using reliable contraception and condoms if they haven't had a full STI screen.

mumeeee Fri 03-Jul-09 22:52:19

I think you are right. He is under 18 and you are allowed to set rules.

aGalChangedHerName Fri 03-Jul-09 22:56:57

I always think my morals are way off or my views are extreme (thank you expat) but you know what??
Lots of teens are having sex/getting pg/getting STI's. My teen and his gf are not. They are having sex in my house/her house. Only having sex with each other, instead of multiple partners in mates houses/in bus stops.

That's the way i like it tbh.

SpringySponge Fri 03-Jul-09 23:01:08

My parents always made boyfriends sleep separately from me, no matter how serious (I saw one boy between 14 & 18, & looked like we'd marry, etc), until I got pregnant with my now DH. Then they decided that it was pointless ('shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted' & all that). Part of it was keeping up appearances for my younger (by 5 years) sister, part of it was a respect thing, I think.

Until the pregnancy it was very much a 'not until you're married' thing.

Horton Fri 03-Jul-09 23:04:45

Of course you're allowed to set rules but frankly, I think a rule that says 'Have sex if you must but not in a bed' is a bit inconsistent. I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable about them having sex under the same roof as you but isn't that just a sort of prejudice? If they are doing it anyway, might they not at least be comfortable while they're shagging? Your son is responsible enough to use barrier contraception and appears to have genuine feelings for this girl, so it isn't like you're condoning casual sex or anything that is likely to harm either party. Also, 'when they're married' sounds quite old-fashioned to me. What if they leave school and move in together and come on holiday with you then? Will you still be saying 'not under my roof'? I have friends whose parents did exactly that and I don't think it contributed to a close or friendly parent-child relationship at all!

I'd have a frank talk with the girl's mother if possible, I think. What does she think is going on?

ingles2 Fri 03-Jul-09 23:05:23

I think you're being quite reasonable PLP... you're talking to your son about sex and keeping lines of communication open but have made your feelings clear that you don't actually approve and don't want them sleeping together in your house... seems totally fair enough to me.

2shoes Fri 03-Jul-09 23:13:25

I would say no in a caravan, but tbh if she is over 16 I would let them get one with it at home. as long as it is legal(age wise) and your ds knows about safe sex, if you say no they will just find somewhere else to go.

noddyholder Fri 03-Jul-09 23:17:59

I agree 2shoes and horton.i hope I can take that view when the time comes.Ds is 15 though and has never had a gitlfriend although he is DESPERATE!

expatinscotland Fri 03-Jul-09 23:20:04

I guess I see teenage sex as an emotional/health issue rather than a moral issue.

But I never had any real moral hangups about it, tbh.

MrsSpringsteen Fri 03-Jul-09 23:23:39

mums with young kids are always more liberal than those with teens

expatinscotland Fri 03-Jul-09 23:25:15

'mums with young kids are always more liberal than those with teens'


agalch has teens.

noddyholder Fri 03-Jul-09 23:26:35

I have teens

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