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(20 Posts)
AuntEm Sat 27-Jun-09 15:07:13

Is it unreasonable to want to know - roughly - where your 14 yo dd is when she goes out? What happens is this. She says where she is going (& with a bit of prompting the name of at least one person she will be with). I say ok i'll assume that's where you are - just text if you're going on somewhere else such as into town, friends house a train ride away. Cue huge fuss and tantrum and accusations of being controlling and over the top. It's not as if I'm saying she can't go, and you'd think with a mobile it wouldn't be a big deal. But it is. What do you think? Should I back off?

Swedes Sat 27-Jun-09 15:14:25

Do you need to know precisely where she is?

It's quite nice at that age to have some independence. But I have teenage sons (almost 14 and 17), perhaps that's different.

AuntEm Sat 27-Jun-09 15:21:40

Don't think its so different for girls. And no, I don't need to know precisely. But a bit more than 'out' with 'friends' doing 'stuff'.

lazymumofteenagesons Sat 27-Jun-09 16:58:31

I ask my 14 year old to text when he changes where he is. And I don't like him hanging round the parks or the streets after 8pm. He must be at someone's house by then.
He complains but usually remembers cos knows there will be trouble and he won't be allowed out otherwise.
Beware of texts which are lying not quite true about where they are. We have had this problem and I now sometimes ask to speak to a parent if he says hes at someones house.

Swedes Sat 27-Jun-09 19:42:10

I actually think it's important to let teenagers have part of their lives that are a bit separate from hearth, home, Mum and Dad. Separating from home is something they have to do. They don't suddenly arrive at independence at 18, on the day they leave for university.

I think you need to trust your teens. I trust mine and they often go out and "do stuff". I don't need to know all the details but am v interested when they want to share.

Your teen is a a bit of you, a bit of their dad, a bit of the life they've had and a bit of a the life they want. Trust him/her to sort it out.

BodenGroupie Sat 27-Jun-09 20:54:33

AuntEm, I also insist on knowing who there with and when they will be back (girls aged 13 and 15). Think most of their friend's mums
are the same. It's pretty safe where we are but I think it's not unreasonable at this age to keep tabs on them. It's pretty unusual for me to argue about where they actually go.

mamas12 Sat 27-Jun-09 22:21:59

It is definitely the way to go Why shouldn't we know roughly where they are.
14 is too young to go whereever they want to their judgement is slightly impaired with peer pressure and such.
It's just a safety thing and no don't back off.

Swedes Sat 27-Jun-09 22:27:34

I think it's because you don't trust them. What difference to their safety does you knowing where they are precisely make? If they are at the shopping centre or X's house or the cinema, does that make a difference? I think you're being too controlling.

Milliways Sat 27-Jun-09 22:32:17

YANBU. My DD is 18 & I still want to know what bar/club they are heading for, who is driving/organising Taxi & what time she expects to be home.

DS is almost 14 and wouldn't dream of not telling me where he is going.

I am going to be a wreck when DD is at Uni!

piscesmoon Sat 27-Jun-09 22:32:33

At 14yrs I would want to know where they are-I don't think it is unreasonable. I train them to text. I don't want them hanging about.

hercules1 Sat 27-Jun-09 22:38:00

I think swedes description of a teen is just how I felt at that age although more wanting to be my own person than anything else. With that in mind I try to give ds (13) freedom to a certain extent and try to encourage open discussion about his doings rather than demanding to know where he is, what's he's doing at all times. I trust him to be sensible too.

LollipopViolet Sun 28-Jun-09 10:38:40

I've got to say, at 14, I did always at least send a text if plans changed/we moved onto somewhere else. Now I'm 19, I only do it if I'm going to a) be out late or b) am just popping home to get something, so that my family know I'll be coming back but not staying iyswim?

It's a good habit to get into, but it's hard to bring up without sounding like you're nagging.

mamas12 Sun 28-Jun-09 11:27:54

Re: safety issue.
If something happens to anyone in the family I know roughly where everyone is don't you.
At school, at work, at relatives, at shops , at club at friends, at park it goes on.
I don't think that's controlling. I think it's politeness and consideration. Just like lollipop.

AuntEm Sun 28-Jun-09 12:12:55

Agree with Lollipop about good habit to get into - I nearly always tell someone where I'm going when I go out, also what time I expect to be back.

mumeeee Sun 28-Jun-09 17:01:45

YANBU. DD3 is 17 and she still lets me know where she is going and a rough time that she'll be home. She doesn't have to let me know if she is going on somewhere else as long as the time she'll be home is roughly the same.

brimfull Sun 28-Jun-09 17:04:07

I expecct dd to letmeknow where she is
if she is going to be late
she is 17

at 14 I would have been even more concerned
tis about respect for you feelings and her safety

do not back off

cory Sun 28-Jun-09 18:43:24

I agree with selling this one as common manners rather than 'I don't trust you'

I don't scoot out of the house without telling dd where I'm going and when I'll be back

just makes it easier for everyone

piscesmoon Sun 28-Jun-09 20:11:34

I find this 'freedom thing' very confusing. A while ago there was a whole long thread on a nearly 10 yr old going to the cinema on her own with 2 friends. I saw nothing wrong with this, the parent paid for the tickets, saw them in and was back to collect them when the film finished and yet the majority opinion was that it wasn't safe. Only 4 years later they are let out alone and you are not supposed to know where they are or who they are with!
I go for a very gradual approach, I would let them go to the cinema under those conditions at that age and I gradually give more freedom but at 14yrs I don't want them hanging around, bored and getting into trouble. I want to know where they are and who they are with.
I expect my 17yr old to text me with his plans-I text him with mine if I am out.

lou33 Sun 28-Jun-09 20:30:47

i certainly expect dd1 who is 17 to let me know where she is

and she does

she will tell me who she is going with and the area she is going to be in, there is no big issue about it, its just a case of keeping me updated

AuntEm Wed 01-Jul-09 20:57:37

Cheers everybody, that's really helped me clarify things. Found this website if anyone's interested. Not sure whether to show DD though, she might never leave the house again...

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