My 18 yd old DD doesnt want to move house.(34 Posts)
We are moving house on Friday because my 8 yr old DS is now at a fee paying school 18 miles away and the driving to and fro is terrible. Understandably my DD is digging her heels in and refusing to pack up any of her room. I can see that by Thursday evening she will still have done barely nothing and things will get pretty stressed. I do sympathise with her, as she has been at school and 6th from around here since she was 11. She has been an absolute teen terror from HELL, and still is. I feel its my fault as i left her Dad when she was 3yrs old. Our relationship is not good but time and time again i put up with her awful rudeness and turn the other cheek. I understand why she doesnt want to move, but she is leaving home in Sept to go to London University. Also, i know its not the ideal time as she has one more exam to do, which i will drive her over for.
I know this is a vague shot in the dark but have you any suggestions about how to tackle thing on Friday and Thursday night ??
Tell her what is not packed goes in a bin bag? or is that too harsh?
I had this three years ago when DS really didn't want to move. He was still at the same school, just a different bus. He went into quite a decline over it - depressed and weepy.
I arranged to do the actually move whilst he was at school, so it was all done and everything in his room when he got back (I picked him up from school that day as a treat).
I think you have to do the work for her! She may be horrid etc but parents moving house from the place that represents her stability and past, just as she is taking exams and about to embark on university, is very tough on her.
Can you not just get the movers to pack up her room as is?
So you are only moving 18 or so miles? And she only has one more exam till she finishes school?
Surely she can still see her friends then - can she drive yet? Or ride a bike? Or catch a bus?
Could she stay over at friends occasionally or have them to stay in your new place?
It's a pity you have had to move before the exams are over. I would say do what you need to do to get her through the last exams with the minimum of stress. Then once that's out of te way you will both have space to talk more about the move.
Work out with her what will need to be done to pack up her room. I would suggest that yo uget her to pack what she needs for the few days around the move, then in your shoes I would get on and sort out her room myself - it is a huge ask if she is in the middle of A levels to expect more from her. Are there any relatives she could go to for a couple of days to avoid the disruption of the move?
Once the exams are over you'll both have more time to deal with the inpact of the move - what can be done to help ensure she still sees her friends over the holidays? This last summer before going to university feels really important, so she'll be quite emotional about it. Can she goes to friends regularly for sleepovers etc? Will she be able to get back for end of exam celebrations/results celebrations? She may feel better if there she realises that she won't have to miss out too much.
"I feel its my fault as i left her Dad when she was 3yrs old." Bollocks to that, frankly - leaving a husband is not a decision anyone takes lightly and I really hope you haven't spent the last 15 years blaming yourself. I do at least vaguely know what I'm talking about - my DD is nearly 20, her father and I split when she was 5 and her teenage years have been challenging, to say the least. And yes, some of it might have been to do with the split, but a) I had no real choice and b) a lot of her behaviour was just down to her being a brat. If it helps, she's a much much nicer girl these days - there is light at the end of the tunnel. Being a teenager is hard, and teenagers react to that accordingly - it doesn't necessarily mean there's some trauma at the root of it all.
She's behaving like a spoilt brat and it is definately Tough Love time. Give her some bin bags/boxes, tell her what's not packed will go to a charity shop. If she has exams, offer to help - but it should be led by her. Make it clear you're serious. You have valid reasons for moving and she's old enough to understand them.
Gosh, quite divergent opinions on how to treat teenagers on this thread .
Agreed, Anna. I posted, then read all the nice considerate ones and wondered if I might have PMT .
I think it is a shame that you have had to move before she has finished her exams. A2s are hard work and she really does not need to be thinking about anything but them. Agree with crumpet re relatives. Otherwise, ask her to pack up what she needs for next few days, then I suppose you will have to do the rest(I realise you are probably very stressed as well about the move and this is extra work on top).
My DD left school last year, she was devastated at thought of leaving her high school and all her friends to go to uni, so this thought of having to move house before your DD even has to leave for uni may be even worse. Hopefully she is still able to see all friends.
The fact that she's going to be "leaving home" to go to Uni won't actually make her feel less thrown by having to move house - it's actually quite a time of upheaval and I think she would have liked the security of having her home to go back to in the holidays. I know I'd have been distraught if my family had moved at that stage in my life - it was a very important piece of security for me to know that they and the house and my room were all just the same, and that even though I'd "flown the nest", the nest was still there to go back into from time to time!
I sympathise with you finding the teenage years a struggle, and for feeling guilty, but do remember that inside most teenagers is a scared 3 year old who needs security, even if only to rebel against.
Could you spend an evening helping her to pack? I know it adds to your workload, but if she knows you care and want to help then that might make her feel she still matters.
As others have said, anything you can do to help her keep in touch with her schoolfriends will also help give her security.
I agree with Amuminscotland. Also why do you have to move on Friday your DS will be breaking up for the holidays soon couldn't you have put off moving until the summer?
I'd guess that at the moment your DD is thinking that her entire future is less important to you than a few weeks of difficult journeys - it looks like she hasn't had much say in what's happening, so she's going to hang on to the one thing she does have some control over - her refusal to pack.
My parents moved house just as I left school, but they went to some trouble & expense to ensure that I was able to finish my A levels without disruption. Obviously it's too late now, but would it really have been impossible to put the move off for a few weeks?
I hope your DD's university place isn't dependent on her doing well in this last exam - if it does & your DD screws it up, whatever the real reason, she will probably hold it against you for a long time.
Ooh aren't you all sympathetic? Maybe there is no choice on completion dates for Malteser and good on her for being able to have sold a house at the present time.
Unfortunately, life isn't always sweet and rosy and the sooner your daughter realises that the better. Don't beat yourself up about it. Tell her she has to pack up her room, help her is necessary, but be firm.
I agree with some of the other posts that it's important for a child/v. young adult to feel that they still have a home to go back to, but what really matters is who's at that home rather than where it is.
It is crappy timing but she knows you'll be there for her in the new home in the hols.
Having said that, we'll probably be downsizing when ds goes to Uni, but will leave it till his second year by which time the ties will be that much looser.
Thanks all. Feel quite emotional about all your answers...
I am a single parent on Housing Benefit so finding a new place to rent, in the right place and ALL the paperwork i had to get through to get this far is a night mare. I had to take on the new property now because it was in the right location for my sons school and it is the right size etc.
I have offered to help my DD pack but she says to keep away and she has her friend coming round on Thursday evening to help her, which is nice. I know its a bad time b4 her last exam. I have told her i will drive her over to her last one and she knows if she wants a lift back here to see her mates i will give her one and drive her to her Sunday life guarding here at the local Swimming pool. She also knows she can stay over at her friends as much as she wants. I give her a very lose reign and have done since she was about 14. She does what she likes basically, sometimes within boundaries (where the smidgeon on such is still in place) and dam well does what she likes, to hell what i want or think or anyone else for that matter.
Hopefully all will be packed for Friday at 8.30.am. I did write her a note saying i am so sorry about things .
Also, my DD doesnt need her A levels for her uni. place as she is doing a diploma for the first year then after a degree.
She doesnt want me near her room and all hell will break lose if i touch it i think so am leaving her to it. I did drive her to college this am for an exam. GUilt, GUILT !!
excuse rambling on with another post........ BUT, We've been here for 2 years and she got us evicted from our last place we had only been in for 6 months. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get in there pack her stuff and put it all in black sacks - tell her if she can afford to rent for a while till she goes to uni all well and good if not she starts towing the party line.
She is controlling you and I did have some sympathy for her until the eviction post but she must realise that the world doesn't revolve around her and for a short space of time her life will change but that is going to happen anyway in September.
get some boxes, fave cd, chocolate and do it together.
just a chat about how it needs to be done - and tell her how you are going to miss her when she goes to uni - how proud you are of her - but what will you do without her - your heart is practically breaking already( maybe not true more like relief but you dont have to day it) you thought you would get chocolate cake and you could take turns at listening to songs - so she can play her horrific stuff - and she will have to sit through stevie wonder.
You are joking Custardo... That would be nice and i wish i had that kind or relationship with DD but she hates me and would say "Your having a f.....ng Joke " "GET out of my room you F.....g bitch !" Life with her is HELL sometimes !!
Is she too old to go off to BRAT CAMP.....someone please say, " No.... Here is her ticket ."
Custardo you need to get thee up north for a week or two you are getting bloody soft!
Yes, CUSTARDO.. you are having a soppy moment.
MADAMCASTAfiore...i agree, she can behave like a spoilt brat and she is controlling me. I cry sometimes , she upsets me so much. She pushed me last night when i told her to come off my computer . I pay the Internet bills after all. She tears the Arse with everything.. She doesnt give a Dam.
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