Teenage sex

[Worrying]

I found out that my 14 year old slept with her boyfriend. I was having a chat and wanted her to be open with me and she admitted that she had tried it once but neither of them liked it. I was devastated as hadn't really thought she would have but thought it was time for the chat. She has been caught fibbing in the past and I'm not sure where to go from here. She told her big sister (20) who was also gobsmacked as she's quite a prude. I asked her if she had been careful, she said she had used a condom. I told her I was really sad that she had done this (we're catholic but not so much so that I would't put common sense first) and told her that she must be grown up enough to come and tell me if she needed to go on the pill. I don't want her having sex but I want less for her to become pregnant. I consoled myself thinking that she must be so much in love she couldn't control herself but last night she nonchalantly told us she had finished with him. I know a 16 yr old is after her as well and I'm so worried that word has got out and other boys will only be after one thing.I talk and talk to her about her reputation, STDs, pregnancy but she tells me she doesn't intend to do it again cos she didn't like it !?but I suspect she's only telling me what I want to hear and now I'm fnding myself listening at doors! I heard her swearing and hit the roof, now she doesn't trust me and a resentment is building up.Anyone else been through this?

[daisybaby]

I really think that if she is going to have sex, she will do it with or without your blessing at this age. By making such an issue of it, you risk her being secretive, which is the most worrying thing. There could be a time when she needs to be able to talk to you openly, but wouldn't be able to because of the breakdown of trust and fear of your reaction.

She now knows your opinion, and is obviously sensible enough to use contraception (she did before), so please just trust her a little and try to rebuild some bridges.

[Pimmpom]

I really don't think Worrying is "making such an issue of it". I think you have handled it really well. Just carry on talking to her, it sounds to me like you have a good relationship if you can talk to her about STDs and pregnancy etc.

I can imagine how upset you feel but just let her know your feelings on sex etc and precautions - leave these conversations to when you are getting on well though and not when arguing

[LittleWhiteWolf]

I would hate for a daughter of mine at 14 to be having sex, but from the sounds of it she was mature enough to identify that she wanted to try it to see what its like and to be careful and to decide she didnt like it. Which I can believe if they were both virgins and inexperienced!

I think its wonderful that she felt she could speak to you about it, even if you did initiate the conversation. This to me sounds like you can trust her and trust that when she does decide she needs the pill that she will feel comfortable to come to you. She sounds like a mature young lady, but I can understand your unease with the situation.

I wouldnt worry about a reputation or worry that all boys who come after this bf are just after her cos they've heard she sleeps around or whatnot--at the end of the day she could be a virgin and still be being talked about like this. I'd say carry on as you are and continue to speak freely with her.

[Worrying]

Thank you all. The varied opinions just show that there is no real right or wrong when it comes to sex anymore. Believe me I also hate that my 14 year old had sex, I cried myself to sleep for more than a week when she told me. She went from being my little girl to someone I could hardly look in the eye overnight. My husband was for knocking his lights out until I calmed him and asked him to remember being with his first real girlfriend. We're learning to deal with it, I can't turn back the clock and we have to move on. She also tells me that it's not unusual, she know 12 year olds who have had sex and some of her 14 yo friends who are in relationships are also having sex.My main worry now is how to deal when the next boyfriend comes along, she is very pretty and popular so it won't be long. I don't want to offer the pill in case she thinks it's encouragement.At the moment I'm drumming into her that her reputation is precious and will stay with her for the rest of her life and that sex is only for within a close and loving relationship.Sometimes I think I'll just take her for the pill to stop the pregnancy worry but what message is that giving her. We are very strict about her being alone with boys, they are not allowed in her room and not at all in the house if we're out. Seems they did what they did when his parents were out and we thought they had gone shopping. You can only police them so much.It all seems a bit pointless now, like you say if they want to do it they'll find a way.

[ErikaMaye]

I was just 14 when I first had sex, and its not uncommon now.

I can understand how upset you must be because of your religion, but telling her that its wrong will probably cause more harm than good! Making sure she's being safe about it, by being on the Pill AND using condoms is probably the best plan, as much as you may disapprove. If its any comfort, remind yourself that being on the Pill is not just used as a contraceptive. Its used to clear up skin, and in some cases I've read about as a mood stabiliser.

As hard as it might be, you need to realise that if shes done it once, she'll probably do it again, and the more you try and prevent her being alone with boys, the more she will sneak around, lie to you, and come to resent you. Obviously don't encourage it, but try to relax about her being alone with boys - they're not always having sex, sometimes its just nice to have privacy and to know your parents aren't looking over your shoulder every minute!

Stay strong. x

[hellymelly]

I understand your feelings,my dds are tiny but I will be very upset if they have sex so young,14 is a child!I think you have done a brilliant job so far,you have dealt with it really well by the sound of things,also is it possible she is testing your reaction because it is something she is thinking of doing rather than something she really has done?