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Have I done the right thing by kicking DD out? (long post)

(97 Posts)
pastamental Sun 24-May-09 19:52:47

...well, obviously not, or I wouldn't be on here agonising about it.

She's nearly 16, stubborn, sly, always pleading to be trusted and a blasé liar. And those are her good points. When she's not exhibiting these common teenage traits though, she can be a lovely girl, academically intelligent & pretty. She's grown up in a loving, stable home - she's loved, but at the moment...not liked.

So - she has taken up smoking, an absolute anathema to me & DW. At first she did it surreptitiously with her "friends" (save that for another post?).
We've found evidence on her at least 3 times, we've had the tears, the "I'll never do it again...believe me". She's a very convincing performer, but obviously not meant at all.
It's particularly serious as her (independent) school has a zero tolerance to smoking - she WILL be expelled without question should they find out, especially as I'm sure she has the stuff at school. But last night she took it one step too far.

After what I thought had been a pleasant day, after a family trip to the cinema, back home she announced that she was just going 22:30. Unusual, though I knew straight away why, but had to hear it from her "Well, there's no point in hiding it any more, is there?". She had made a decision that evening, and perhaps was thinking we would capitulate. I really don't know what goes through her mind at times.

I said that it was bad enough her smoking anyway, but it was definitely not on blatantly smoking in or anywhere near the house. "ok, I'll just go down the street then". So as she walks away, I warned her that if she carried this through she was crossing a line from which there would be serious consequences.
Basically if she did not or could not abide by the simple rules of the house, she had better find some place else which would allow it...So she carried on walking.

Driven by my impotent rage, I locked all the doors, and left her to it. She knocked an hour later asking for some shoes, as she had gone for a fag in her slippers. I refused, reminding her that she had made her bed, and now she must lie in it, uncomfortable as it might be. And then at some point, she went off into the night...

As with most rows with her, big or small, she refuses to accept or contemplate a compromise. It's her way or nothing, whereas as we go out of our way to accommodate some of her demands, if only to keep the peace. And she does not know when to keep her mouth shut, and turns discussion into pointless, prolonged & heated arguments - if only she would hold her tongue, it would save her so much trouble. Mind you, her mother is just as bad in this respect, so I just leave them to it now, as I can't stand it any more.

So, am I being pig-headed in doing this? Irresponsible? Vindictive? Childish?? Part of me would be glad to get shot of her, but at her age, we still have 'parental responsibility' and even if she stays away, the practical/legal ramifications loom all too large. Even if she does come back once her friends (or friends parents) kick her out, she will not show one iota of remorse ? the word 'sorry' has always stuck in her throat since she was little.

And no, I've no idea where she is. We have been in touch very briefly after sending her delicately worded texts - as I'm not going to beg her to come back.

The sad thing is, what was promising to be a sunny, carefree bank holiday weekend is now anything but...

GypsyMoth Sun 24-May-09 19:54:53

so where did she spend the night? she's still a child isn't she?!

Twims Sun 24-May-09 19:55:34

FGS - Grow up - you are the adult and to be honest you sound like a kid proportioning blame on her and locking doors.

ruddynorah Sun 24-May-09 19:58:47


no you haven't done the right thing. she's a child. she's a teenager. she will disobey. she's kind of supposed to. as long as she keeps the smoking away from the house (if that's what you'd prefer..baring in mind it may mean you don't know where she is..) then what's the actual problem?

Mintyy Sun 24-May-09 19:59:05

Of course you haven't done the right thing!!*!*! Is this for real?

She's not yet 16. Why are you even asking?

hercules1 Sun 24-May-09 19:59:58

You locked a 15 year old out of the house in the night because she was having a fag???and you are considering whether you have her back because of her very normal teenage behaviour??

Personally I wouldnt send her to a school where you are expelled for smoking in the first place.

Just read your comments about her mother. You sound very patriarchal.

BonsoirAnna Sun 24-May-09 20:00:16

You are mad and plain irresponsible to chuck her out for smoking.

It sounds as if your DW has some pretty serious conflict resolution issues that she has merrily passed on to your DD. How about a bit of family therapy to help sort that problem out?

Tortington Sun 24-May-09 20:01:07

umm, she's your responsability to parent until she is 18.

i couldn't contemplate throwing my 16 yr old daughter out and not hving an inkling of where she is. ( and i do have one, with all of the above traits - as well as some nice ones) but this is part of parenting.

it might be diferent if you knew she was stopping at nans or uncle jims or something - but to just lock the doors and leave her to fend for herself - over smoking - is rather ott imho.

i chucked my ds out 10 days ago - but he is 19. so its not like i am averse to vehenently drawing a line.

tribpot Sun 24-May-09 20:01:30

Can I just check - she is fifteen years old? She's fifteen and you shut her out for the night to fend for herself?

I will profess to knowing nothing about parenting teens but this feels extreme to me.

"Part of me would be glad to get shot of her" - god, I hope you regret that phrase when you have calmed down.

Yurtgirl Sun 24-May-09 20:01:46

pastamental - No of course you havent

I note that this is only your second post on MN so I am dubious about whether you are telling the truth or attention seeking sorry

weebleswobble Sun 24-May-09 20:01:57

I don't think there's a parent on here who hasn't been pushed to the limit by their teenager over one thing or another, but carry on like that and you'll lose her forever. I can't believe you really locked her out and left her to her own devices at that age! She hasn't murdered someone - she smoked hmm

me23 Sun 24-May-09 20:03:04

I'm sorry buit I can't believe this! You want rid of your nearly 16 year old for smoking! I think you need to open your eyes and thank god she isn't doing a lot worse like, drugs, prostitution, stealing, gangs etc...

ruddynorah Sun 24-May-09 20:03:43

well she might be..he doesn't know where she is..

Tortington Sun 24-May-09 20:04:58

pmsl@ "if only she would hold her tongue"

oh a cheeky, talkback teen - well i never!

i have grounded twins over the half term both 16. i've had it in stereo and i know how hard they push - but seriously man, this is too far

BCNS Sun 24-May-09 20:05:13

she's 15 .. she's learning who she is and she's pushing boundries.

I think it's a bit OTT locking her out for smoking TBPH. pick your battles.. there wil be bigger ones to come.

eandh Sun 24-May-09 20:05:51

I'm confused as in pastamentals other post (July last year it appears as female written it (me and dh were in italy) this one is written as if a man (dw & I) hmm

Anyway regardless no you have not done the right thing she is 15!!

GypsyMoth Sun 24-May-09 20:07:55

hmmm.....where is op??

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 24-May-09 20:09:20

She is your daughter.

If having a cigarette causes you to kick her out of the family home then IMVHO she is probably best out of it.

I sincerely hope she gets some better support and non-conditional love elsewhere.

sorry but you did ask. If you no longer want her as part of your 'family' I hope someone else looks after her as you are blatently not doing so.

letsgostrawberrypicking Sun 24-May-09 20:09:25

Sounds like you are just at the end of your tether - there is always more to things than can be described in a post.
You know she has to come back though dont you? We all push things a bit too far and hope it makes our dcs sit up and listen, and when they dont ....well it's then up to us to make the first move back.

She must realise your home is a non smoking house, that's non-negotiable I agree with you. When she decides to leave then she can do what she wants in her own home.

BitOfFun Sun 24-May-09 20:10:18

You don't sound very mature yourself, I'm afraid...I can't believe you couldn't have come to some compromise on this, and you're not exactly modelling good conflict resolution are you? There must be somewhere you could go for parenting advice (apart from mumsnet, obviously!) are going to end up regretting reacting so excessively I think.

dittany Sun 24-May-09 20:10:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany Sun 24-May-09 20:12:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yurtgirl Sun 24-May-09 20:13:17

I have never done this before.............

Trip trap trip trap trip trap

Very similar writing style to another infrequent poster from a while ago who was also a troll

psychomum5 Sun 24-May-09 20:14:41


TrillianAstra Sun 24-May-09 20:16:39

Uh-huh. Don't like to be the first to say it though.

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