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Quick-he's out-I NEED OUR HELP!

(23 Posts)
jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 19:10:58

Ok wise ones, you've been there, done that. Help me!! I smelt smoke coming out of the bathroom one morning, thought it was neighbours as they smoke and so does Dh. (I did but gave up 18 moths ago. from 20 plus a day!) Joked about it with Ds(15) and have always joked about it with him. Expense etc, please don't smoke etc...he's always said friends smoke and tht makes his clothes stink. I DID believe him, 'cos usually I can tell when he's lying. OK, tody. He's sweaty, showering before going off to play tennis with ex dh. Smelt smoke coming from bathroom...asked him if he was showering and what else he was doing? Suddenly realised this might be a little personal for a 15 year old in the shower and backed off. Casually asked him if he'd been smoking as he was going off on his bike and he denied it. I believed him 'cos he's normaly a crap liar. What worries me is this....he's smoking! He's lying about it and also he must be desperate and hooked to risk having one in my house, 'cos he knows I have bad eyes but ears like a bat and the smell of a whatever..

HELP ME PLEASE....what would you do. His dad (my ex and his bit.. don't smoke) but he was so proud of me giving up, I thought I'd cracked it.

jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 19:21:17

BUMP-Come on, help me!!!!

LGJ Thu 14-Apr-05 19:23:43

Make him sit down and smoke 40 in a row

jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 19:25:51

I'm so sad, that won't work, although I would love to do it. He'll hate me evn more than now. He's struggling at school, ever day can turn into a nightmare etc, come on, suggestions please?

Mud Thu 14-Apr-05 19:26:42

accept it, tell him its really bad for his health but if he has to do it don't do it in the house because like most people (women) you can't bear the smell of it and that the thought of him tasting like an ashtray will be very offputting to anykissing

I think if parents make ahuge deal at that age it becomes more interesting to do

jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 19:34:07

BUT from what he says, and looking at them he's probably right, the girls all smoke anyway. I have to say, all his contemporaries {laydeez) look like right slappers anyway , (older mum talking here) and I don't think he has a proper girlfriend anyway. He never talks about one, BUT now I found he's lying, all those sleepovers may have to stop. We fight hard, BUT I always joke with him when he goes out, no sex, no drugs, no fags but you can rock and roll ('cos he's in a band and is a brilliant gutarist and drummer) I did ask him if he was gay, in a joking way, and I wouldn't mind anyway, but things are adding up now. He bought fags/cigars back from a school trip and wine for us...which I was astonished at but drank gratefully, but lighters have been going missing. HELP US WISE ONES!!

jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 19:35:36

Jools, come on, help me...suedonim etc . all you mums with teens, grandkids, help us now!!

Mud Thu 14-Apr-05 19:38:53

what exactly do you think you can do about it?

at that age peer pressure is far stronger than parental pressure

you just have to turn a blind eye or take the piss out of him, but accept you can't stop him doing it and it will hopefully be a short phase. Just trust in the groundwork you've put in and stress to him how he must NEVER smoke in the house and how disgusting and stupid you think it is.

WideWebWitch Thu 14-Apr-05 19:45:29

Oh god, I wish I could suggest something Jollymum, what a mare (ex smoker here too, gave up 2 years ago, my dad died of it), what about seeing what this book says, How to stop your child smoking Allen Carr is irritating but the book helped me. Poor you.

WideWebWitch Thu 14-Apr-05 19:46:08

I meant the EAsyway to stop smoking helped me stop, not that this book helped me stop my child btw.

jangly Thu 14-Apr-05 19:47:29

Find some pictures of smokers' lungs and show him. There are some horrific pictures on some antismoking websites. Might be a bit much, but better than a long term problem.

jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 20:27:44

but, do i let him know I know or play it cool? I could slap him and take all his secret stash of chocolate off him!!

misdee Thu 14-Apr-05 20:30:53

I'd tell him you know, and tell him that if he must smoke (and make it clear that you dont like him smoking) the say that he can smoke in the garden (if thats ok with you of course).

Lonelymum Thu 14-Apr-05 20:31:36

I would let him know I knew if only because I could not bear the secrecy/deceit. I don't approve of smoking any more than you do, but if one of my children went down that route, I would at least like the fact to be in the open so it could be openly discussed.

jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 20:50:55

I've always said tell me the truth. I'll be twice as cross if you lie, but I can't let him smoke in or around the house. That's condoning it and I won't. The others will all get the wrong message and it's hard enough already.

Lonelymum Thu 14-Apr-05 20:54:16

Well if you don't want him smoking around the house and he clearly is, you need to come out in the open and tell him you know he is doing it, in order to then tell him you want him to stop doing it (around the house at least: I'm afraid I don't see how you can ban him from smoking altogether - just hope he comes to his senses soon).

suedonim Thu 14-Apr-05 22:05:20

I'd tell him of my suspicions, I really would. You can lay down the law about where he smokes, making it very clear that it's not to happen in the house, or even the garden, if you like. Does he have pocket money or an allowance? You could say that as he's got money to burn (ha!) you're going to dock it as it could be better spent elsewhere.

I know my dd has had a smoke now and then but it hasn't escalated into a 40-a-day habit. She occasionally smells of smoke after she's been in the pub (illegally) and there isn't much I can do but give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm pretty hopeful that she won't now become a f/t smoker; she's quite vain about her looks and knows that smokers age more quickly.

He's sure to know of the bad things connected with smoking. Just reinforcing the message is the best you can do. Even if he still smokes, he'll having that nagging doubt in the back of his mind. Good luck!

jollymum Thu 14-Apr-05 22:09:49

Thanks I think what I want everyone to say is all the Mnseters will come round and "!get" him if he smokes. I didn't smoke until I was 30 and only started because of Dh. He HAS to stop now, I've told him, because 'm scared he'll die and I don't want DS1 copying him. Oh well, any more advice gratefully received.{smile]

JoolsToo Thu 14-Apr-05 22:32:46

jollymum - only one of mine smokes . I don't know when he started but I reckon about 17/18 but I didn't know about it til much later

I've nagged, argued, even tried to scare him and he stopped [sigh] for 10 months, then started again when he went to Police Training School - he said it was a social thing [mad emoticon].

I've tried to get his girlfriend on side but found out she smokes 'socially' too! Anyway the latest is they're both trying to cut down and I keep nagging to responses of 'Yes, mother' with deep sigh

I think he'll stop when he wants to - what can you do?

Frizbe Thu 14-Apr-05 23:04:38

I go with Misdee and Jools Too on this one, tell him you know, and not in the house, but in the garden is ok (as per before if ok with you) if they're gona smoke they will until they wanna stop, I should know, I smoked from 13-28 (not proud of it, but mostly social situations) I have friends who are in their 30's whose parents still don't know they smoke.....scarey eh! all I can say is at least I had a good enough relationship with my parents to talk about it and eventually resolve it, whilst in the meantime they put up with my bad habit whilst nagging me, but it worked in the end! and I guess that's all you can do, let them know you love them, but they're stupid all the same...

JanH Thu 14-Apr-05 23:10:24

jollymum, sorry but he knows all the stuff about lungs and smelling awful already. You can't stop him smoking but can ban it in the house, but please don't even think about grounding him because of it.

My DDs, esp DD2, smoked for a few years either side of 18; DD1 (23) managed to keep it secret from me until very recently but she is only an occasional smoker, DD2 (20) smoked regularly but never in the house and has managed to give up with a horrible bout of flu, she and we are thrilled.

Personally I would (and did) concentrate on the finances. It is bloody expensive!

jollymum Fri 15-Apr-05 06:52:21


suedonim Fri 15-Apr-05 16:57:51

I asked dd about this today. She also reckons there's nothing you can do. But she says the expense of it is offputting and almost all her friends who smoked at 15/16 have stopped now they are 18-ish. Hth!

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