17 yo s/d help

[rowe]

I know this is gona sound mad as ive had a few hours to chill out since this happend but any advice will be taken on board . So from the top last year at age 16 my s/d met a guy and went to his house a three hour drive a way and slept with him ! and we had a big row which ended in my ever so d/h leaving me and taking her with him for the week end !! (mothers day week end )the same monday they came home we had a phone call from her college saying the guy was trouble and had been suspended over three months erlier for a)assulting a tutor and b) a nother female student ,and also turned out she was his ex g/f best mate !! so we all agreed she would wait till she was 18 and would have finnished her college course before having b/f . we all got on really well till she blurts out that she has been asked out by her friends ex and has said yes (and i mean he dumped the friend then turened to s/d and asked her out !!!) and she was reallly happppy about this !!! and she had said yes . so i said no way on this earth as we had had this before and she only has 6mths left at college so she can wait !! education is way more important than a lad ,right ? So my d/h has packed their bags aand drove of leaving our young three children in histerics , saying i am been "so unreasonable " i know it seems harsh but she has the maturity of 14y/o .and thats not been funnie she has been bought up with a single dad and weirdo nana till i came along !!! i feel so sad for the youngest three they are heart broken .

[controlfreakyBANG]

it all sounds v difficult but also think there are a number of issues here...

1. re surface problem i think it is completely unrealistic / unreasonable to "ban" a teenager from having relationships in this way.... would you ban her from having friendships with other girls? friendships with boys? how is she meant to learn about relationships?? by all means there should be some rules and structures in place.... but a "ban"? no.

1. the repeated flouncing off of dh and dsd seems v problematic and suggests some serios relationship problems within the family.... can you and he not agree on how to parent dsd? can you not rel=solve disagreements except in this extreme way? what will happen with your own dcs if you have no better way of problem solving? how do you feel about his first loyalty apparently being to dsd rather than to you??

when / if he comes back i would think seriously about some family therapy for the whole lot of you.

[rowe]

I am gutted by the oh so aparent loyalty to my s/d and he just says im bitter and jelouse that i havent got a relasionship with my dad !!!!! And therpy have tried it we never even got as far as ringing any one ! The sad thing is i sort of know that i dont want him too come back as he always sides with her and i always look like the w/w of the east.

[tatt]

trying to ban teenage relationships is unreasonable. However your dh should be talking to you about this not just leaving. Agree that you have very serious issues to sort out between you.

[rowe]

Thanks too both of you i threw my college education away and am sufering now for it just don't want her to do the same !! Like you said i am been unresonable and will think about were we go from here

[controlfreakyBANG]

if you havent even rung anyone then you havent "done therapy" have you??!!

why dont you try to arrange some counselling for yourself, asap. sounds like you could do with someone objective to talk to....

good luck!

[tatt]

concentrate on things like contraception for the s/d and sensible rules like always informing you where she is. Ground her if her studies suffer but she needs to be tretaed like an almost adult and allowed to make some of her own decisions.

[mumonthenet]

rowe,
Everybody's advice is good. Think about it.

Although you are right to want more for your dsd than you had for yourself you cannot impose that on her.

You cannot make her want it herself.

The only thing you can do is guide her.

Negotiate. Make a friend of her. Give her something to look forward to by helping her to make great plans for herself...plans that will motivate her.

As everyone says, it is unrealistic to ban boyfriends totally.

If the boyfriend is a twat, trust her to find that out for herself. Tell her you think he's a mistake but it's up to her as long as she continues her studies.

Make her FEEL the weight of the responsibility on her own shoulders. And be there to pick up the pieces.

Can you work out some sensible strategies, that your dh might agree to and that you can act on together?

You might have to give up some control - be aware of that (- it's quite liberating actually!!!)

[rowe]

All of you are right and after spending a very long night by myself i realise that we need a nutrel person to help us but that is if they come home they arnt ansewring my calls so will see .the think with my d/h is he will leave everything to me then kicks of when sumat happens and i handle it "wrong" .Did i mention i am only 25 and we dont have any support at all from eny one . I just dont know what to do or say any more i am going to contact a counciler any way even if they dont come home .again thankyou for talking to me and i know i have to let her make her own misstakes its just so hard ...

[rowe]

All of you are right and after spending a very long night by myself i realise that we need a nutrel person to help us but that is if they come home they arnt ansewring my calls so will see .the thing with my d/h is he will leave everything to me then kicks of when sumat happens and i handle it "wrong" .Did i mention i am only 25 and we dont have any support at all from eny one Her mum died when she was 4 and her older sister ahs moved to Canada . I just dont know what to do or say any more i am going to contact a counciler any way even if they dont come home .again thankyou for talking to me and i know i have to let her make her own misstakes its just so hard ...

[controlfreakyBANG]

it does all sound hard, and at 25 to her 17 that only makes it harder.... how old is dh? what role does her mum play in her life? sounds a good idea to get someone to talk to whatever happens next. sounds like your dh needs to do some growing up too. what does he expect your dcs to make of his behaviour?? good luck.

[rowe]

Her mum died when she was 4 and my dh is 39 next week . thankyou again

[tatt]

how long have the two of you been together and how long has your s/d been living with you? Pretty hard on her to have three young siblings and on you to have 4 of them to deal with. Really your d/h should be managing this a lot better.

[Lilybeto]

I can imagine that it sounds very hypocritical to your s/d when you tell her she is not allowed to have a relationship. You are not that much older than her yourself and you are in a very serious relationship. I can imagine it must be very difficult but you should use your closeness in age to try and help her. Be more of a friend. Advise her as much as you can and help her to keep safe.

[Tortington]

i think its begging for trouble being banned from having a bf until you are 18

[rowe]

We have sorted things out and the have come home she can do what she wants and see who she wants as long as she doesnt skip college i dont care any more. I have been with d/h since she was 11 and she took an instant dislike too me and has done every thing possible to get rid of me since , but of course d/h never see's any of it and i'm just been parinod ! I have tried all i can too be a friend too her and just get things thrown back in my face or tex messages ment to other people sent to my phone by "acident" . i am just gona take each da as it comes and will be back here in a few weeks time .I rang relate today so thats a start i supose . and thankk you all for what you have said i do realise she has to make her own misstakes , just wished i could save her from the bad ones thats all !

[controlfreakyBANG]

just seen this rowe. glad things are better.... and v glad you've done something to get yourself some support..... all the best.

[mumonthenet]

poor rowe, I can understand where you're coming from.

glad you're getting some support for yourself, You have a helluva lot on your plate.

Take care and come and offload on here whenever you feel like it.