14 yr old sis lying about having sex - help!

[jemsie]

Hi Everyone,

i dont post much here but everyone always seems so helpful and supportive, and Im not sure who else to turn to about this..

I have a little sister who is 14 (15 in feb) - im 25 so theres quite a big age gap but we are still pretty close. Anyway, last time I was home I found a letter written by her to one of her friends.. i know I shouldnt have read it and really regret doing so. The letter mainly talked about her '18 yr old' boyfriend - it talked about how often they had sex etc. I was VERY shocked - Ive always thought of my sis as a very sensible teen. She is very sweet and not at all rebellious - obviously she has the odd strop but in general she gets on v well with me and our parents.

The part that really made me feel sick was when she wrote about having sex with 'randomers in the toilet' now her boyfriend had moved to spain.

Now I am fairly sure she is lying and trying to impress her friend. Obviously I cant be 100% certain but shes a fairly family orientated girl and doesnt really go out in the evenings/spends saturdays shopping in town like any normal 14 yr old. She is never out in the evenings without my parents knowing where she is. Im almost certain shes lying about the boyfriend as in the letter she said 'my mum is fine with it...' which would certainly NOT be the case!

Im just soooooo worried about her now. I had no suspisions she would ever be even thinking about sex, and im worried about her lying to her friends like this. She goes to a fairly 'rough' school and I think her friends are possibly having sex. I dont want to tell my mum as it would really worry her. Not sure how to approach this - if at all - with my sis. Im worried her views on sex are being heavily influenced by her friends, and thats v scary...

Any advice?

[compo]

could you take her out for lunch just the 2 of you over half term and just have a general chat about friends, boyfriends, her friend's boyfriends etc
don't tell her you read the letter whatever you do

[BloodshotEyeballsintheScarySky]

Hmm, not sure how to approach it but I was the same sort of teen, very home based and rarely went out. I know I lied to close friends about what I was up to. I had a 'boyfriend' for a couple of years and got up to all sorts. Total rubbish of course. Makes you feel like you're not missing out whilst not having to get involved with it all. I'm pretty sure my best friend was lying back!

Someone'll be along in a minute with better advice though.

[AMumInScotland]

I've got a teen boy rather than a girl, so I don't have experience of this, but they are so varied at this age it's maybe not that surprising if she is trying to "fit in" with the girls at school by sounding more experienced than she is. But it is a "warning" that she's reaching an age of both sexual activity and lots of peer pressure, so maybe this is a good time to make sure she understands as much as possible about contraception and avoiding STDs, and can have the self-confidence to say no until she is ready, even if she thinks most other girls her age are going all the way. There are probably girls her age at her school who are, but that doesn't make it everyone, and it doesn't mean she should be pushed into it, and she should know that it's ok to do things in your own time.

Maybe it's time for a chat from big sis about all this stuff, though in a theoretical way of course not admitting you saw the letter but just - "gosh you're getting quite grownup these days, when I was your age I wish I'd known about x,y and z" (or "I was glad I knew about x y and z" if you did!)

[jemsie]

Thanks for the advice .. im fairly sure she is lying, it all seems to be a popularity contest at that age! But yes think I need to take a deep breath and try and have a casual type chat with her, hopefully she will value my attitude to sex & relationships over her schoolfriends attitudes..