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It's all kicked off - more off loading than advice - maybe a little advice and a lot of offloading ( might be long)

(69 Posts)
Tortington Wed 22-Oct-08 21:37:02

ds1 got fired from his job on saturday - his job was 2 hours in the morning - he left at 7am and came home after 9 am.

he has been pretending that he has his job since saturday. i knew on monday - i dont really take much notice of what happens at a weekend( which he works.) but i knew.

so i decided to tackle him about it this am

his GF is living with us becuse..........and listen to this shiznit

he was working at bultins and got fired.

she left her job as a sales assistant to work at bultins with ds.

she had a uni placement in sept and didn't take it up syaing she was having a year off!

so he gets fired and she is let at butlins.

her mum wont take her back becuase her BF ( who ws done for manslaughter some years ago - no shit) doesn't like her

despite knowing that she has other family i said that she could stay here and they thought i swallowed allt he shit that she had no where to go.

i asked them both for board money and got not a lot from either of them as they both worked part time. this money i put away - as i told them they had to get a bedsit come january and i was going to give it back to them so they could use as a deposit or whatever - as a surprise.

i have been on at ds for a few weeks becuase pt job isn't good enough 2 hours a day ffs.

but i have been the one reearching stuff. i have been the one fiulling uin online application forms and looking at job centre plus websites and quite frankly he hasn't made much of an effort at all

we are within a 10 min walk from town centre for job centre.

this monring it all came to a head. he hasn't even been doing hs chores
the gf was complicit in this lie - that he was still working - when he wasn't and i told her that it was now time for her to leave.

ds went mental telling me she had no where to go - i told him i knew very well she not only has her mother - who might or moight not take her - but her nan, cousins and her dad and step mum. i told them both its certainly not the problem of the boyfriends mother.

i told he it didn't have to bne tonight - she can go tomorrow or day after.

anyway upshot is ds went ballistic and slammed out the bhouse screaming FUCK YOUR HOUSE

not seen him all ay and dd1 informs me that he is going to kip on the streets - the gf has a place at her aunties but there is no room for him ( quell surprize)

dh says that its about time he grew up and i do everything for him. i agree

and apart from being a tinsy bit worried - not overly mind you, i am a bit relived. - i have been taken for a mug over and over

i have told dd not to become a conduit ( she adores ds1) if he wants his clothes - he knocks on front door.

if he taps on her window at 2am ( has done before) she is to come and get me.

dya know what? they were sharing a room with ds2 (15) and made it so uncomfortable for him to be there he moved into what we term a games room - the smalledst extension int he loft over the bathroom - like the loft to a small bathroom IYKWIM.

i swear to god i have done what i can
i even filled in a housing application for him and asked him to finish it off - i work in housing ffs

i have researched apprenticeships and everything. and if he wants to tell everyone i kicked him out then fuck it - i haven't i told her to leave becuase of his actions and her complicit omission

thoughts?

will bbl, have stuff to do

umberellascankill Wed 22-Oct-08 21:40:39

You've got to let him get on with it. You're trying your best here, it must be so hard for you but he has to learn his own lessons. I really feel for you, this can't be easy.

Tortington Wed 22-Oct-08 21:41:09

thank you

umberellascankill Wed 22-Oct-08 21:44:17

I think the problem is it is so hard to take a step back from your kids when you can see them doing things that aren't necessarily the 'right' thing. You've supported them both and they've repaid you by lying - I'd have done what you have....think that's what would upset me most. Things will calm down one way or another, but you can't be responsible for their life choices -they are adults actually, all you can do is equip them with the tools to make good decisions, and it sounds like you're showing them a good example. I feel for you, it sounds really stressful x

CoolYourJets Wed 22-Oct-08 21:44:37

you have done the right thing.

I would stop filling forms in tbh, he can do it himself if he wants to.

It must be hard though.

WideWebWitch Wed 22-Oct-08 21:44:37

I agree with the tough love approach.

BUT I am a complete softie really, as I know you are too, deep down, and I think you should give them an ultimatum of x date and they need to come up with a plan and think of a way of supporting themselves etc. Because otherwise won't you worry? If ds is sleeping on the streets I mean. I think it's completely fair enough to say you will help your ds but his dozy girlfriend is on her own or can rely on HER family. It has to stop somewhere, you can#t support them, they're adults (or near as dammit)

Moski Wed 22-Oct-08 22:44:21

Hang tough, Custy, because I will need you as a role model when I have to go through this with one (or more) of my DSs. We need you to lead the way.

Tortington Wed 22-Oct-08 23:30:40

thank you

PurplePumpkinWitchyOne Thu 23-Oct-08 00:31:27

Wishing you well Custy. I agree with the others. I've been here a while and seen how you guide your kids.

My eldest is 13 and she yelled in my face tonight. 'don't talk to me, don't even fucking look at me you fucking bitch' hmm I actually went to smack her shock and then she yelled at me 'I'll be telling the social worker about you' angry

it's going to be a long 11 days with her at home all day and me not talking to her wink

I wish for some of your patience. Does it ever get any easier?

Tortington Thu 23-Oct-08 01:14:09

omg my dd did the social services thing after the school did a lesson where they talked about possible abuse situations and gave them all a numberthat doesn't show up on the phone bill

i gave her the phone and told her to knock herself out - if she thinks its better somewhere else - fine - becuase remember darling - your the one that gets removed - not me - i stay here with my things in my house.

i can't not talk to them, i have to have it out.

ds will be alright won't he?

he wouldnt be on the streets he will be round a mates won't he?

mooog Thu 23-Oct-08 01:35:26

As long as you know you have done all you can then you are going to have to try and let them make their own mistakes.
Yes you can bet you last quid that ds will be alright, he will be at a mates not worrying like you are doing because thats the way a lot of kids can be.
One day he will realise how good he has got it and it will become a distant memory.
You are doing your best!

WideWebWitch Thu 23-Oct-08 06:57:15

He will be around a mates Custy, they have self preservation BIG time at that age I reckon!

umberellascankill Thu 23-Oct-08 07:11:08

I agree -he will have gone off to lick his wounds and have a good think/moan most likely. He will know you are worrying and might even be trying to punish you for not letting him have his way. This is latent teenage angst/manipulation/laziness in abundance!

Keep your chin up and don't get too upset -he's behaved badly and you have dealt well with it. It is time for him to grow up and you are showing him the right things by offering him help, guidance and not being taken for a mug.

PsychoAxeMurdererMum Thu 23-Oct-08 07:35:56

custy, you have been over and above accomodating for your son and MORE SO for his girlfriend.

I honestly think you cannot do more for him now, and there does come a point when you really just have to step back and let tem make their own mistakes, and actually see that they had a good thing going with you.

teens are notoriously selfish. Not all, but most are, and some take it to whole new levels.........which I think your son and his GF are demonstrating rather well right now!

I will bet anything that he is with a friend right now, and he only threw the street comment in to scare and hurt you.....maybe thinking that you would come running after him begging for his forgiveness after upsetting him for daring to take a stand with his GF and telling him to get a job.

he will no doubt have gone to a friend and given a huge sob story about how dreadful and mean you are, how you make him do everything, you are horrible to his GF, you pander to his siblings.....yada yada yada.

he will be fine.......he will be angry for a while, but he won;t shoot himself in the foot for long, and one day (altho that one day may still be a while in coming), he will see all that you have done for him and say sorry.

you sound as tho you have given 100% more than many others would do in your situation, so feel proud of yourself for that, and try not to think about your poor PFB being on the streets.......I doubt he will be. ((altho if he is, it is very cold out there....he will come back quickerwink))

Tortington Thu 23-Oct-08 08:40:22

sad thanks. such a weight lifted him not being here shock

happystory Thu 23-Oct-08 08:49:51

Just wanted to add my sympathies and also tell you that you have done the right thing. God knows, you've tried and tried.

Your other children deserve peace and quiet too. I know when ds (17) kicks off here, dd just retreats to her room and if we're not careful, gets overlooked in all the hoo-ha.

Stay strong.

Tortington Thu 23-Oct-08 08:57:20

thanks smile

pointygravedogger Thu 23-Oct-08 09:12:05

Sounds like you've been very reasonable about it all. Your ds sounds unreasonable and uncaring. I know he's the child but he's also a grown man. Try not to feel guilty about any of this and I hope things do settle down.

Tortington Thu 23-Oct-08 09:48:47

thanks, still no word.

Oliveoil Thu 23-Oct-08 10:02:18

oh I don't have any advice custy, mine are 4 and 6 and I have spent the morning shouting, I could quite easily throttle the pair of them atm

dd1 is 6 today as well sad

is he 17? (I forget). I would bet my skinny arse he is at a mates lounging around slagging anyone and everyone off

try not to worry

DO NOT TEXT HIM!!

YeahBut Thu 23-Oct-08 10:08:20

You're his mum, not his minder / fixer. There comes a point when he has to stand on his own two feet and sort his own life out and I reckon he's just reached it. You're the MN Teenager Tamer, Custy and we all need you to stand firm!

Freckle Thu 23-Oct-08 10:09:42

For someone who has let his mum do all the work and has had a fairly cosy billet up until now, I can't really see him slumming it on the streets if he can doss on a mate's floor. Can you??

He said that about the streets fully expecting you to come running after him, recanting everything you'd said about his gf. Well done for not doing just that.

It is hard when your children refuse to become responsible adults, but you doing everything for him is allowing him to continue his Peter Pan act. I can quite see me doing the same thing in a few years too. What is dh doing in all this? Why is all the burden on your shoulders? Perhaps you need to take a step back and let his dad deal with him for a while. Boys know that their mums are big softies at heart no matter how tough a facade they paint.

Tortington Thu 23-Oct-08 10:52:38

aww thanks.

dh? well, he is of the opinion that he needs to grow up, it will do him good, the house is calmer without him (true) i am a soft touch ( also true)

and he isn't worried one bit.

cheers olive xx

he is 19 in two weeks

i know i know - wtf right? 19

jesus custy get a grip

no texting, i dont know his number
although i did check on face book to see last nights activity -a nd he sin't one of my friends anymore so he must have deleted me PMSL, however i looked in the friends list of someone esle who is a mutual friend

he was alive at 7.30 last night !

right thats it - i am being rediculous. boys die in wars younger than this.

<swish> i don't care what he does ...really i don't

Freckle Thu 23-Oct-08 10:57:40

I know you said that you didn't want dd to be a conduit, but she might be useful in that respect. As long as she's prepared to be honest with you about what he says/does, I would let her be his route back.

Trouble is that, when you have major bust-ups, the longer it is before the next contact between the parties, the harder it is to make the first move. Perhaps you could say a few things in front of dd, such as how much you love him, how worried you are, and that he has to start taking responsibility for his own future, without specifically asking her to, the chances are she will pass that along to him.

Alternatively, you could give all his clothes to charity and turn his bedroom into a study grin.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker Thu 23-Oct-08 11:03:26

You can't help but care custy; he's your PITA lad. He'll be fine, kipping on a mate's floor no doubt and gradually realising that maybe he's taken the piss a bit at home.

My eldest is just turned 20 and somedays I could do him in I really could. He works hard but is crap with his finances and needs nagging over every little thing (which I don't do anymore). If he could manage his money any better I'd be chucking helping him move out. They need to stand on their own two feet.

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