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My 14 ds is craving independence, but I'm finding it hard to let go. Please help!

(25 Posts)
ziopin Fri 26-Sep-08 10:49:12

My ds (14) has reached the age where he wants to go bloody camping shock blush up the mountain with his friends! He also wants to go to a slipnot concert (to which I've agreed to) and the download festival next summer (still undecided)

I'm a bloody bag of nerves! I'm so worried about him going out (you hear about teenages getting stabbed on the news every weekend) it's starting to really affect my life.

Fridays nights I wont even allow myself to have a glass of wine and a takeaway with my husband! a, because I may have a call from him (he may be in trouble or hurt) and b, I cant relax enough to enjoy a meal!

This is getting ridiculous! When I was 14 I was stoned every night of the week! How can I get over this? Please help!

DrNortherner Fri 26-Sep-08 10:52:36

Oh god. No advice but you have my symapthies - I ahve this to come.

Is he a sensible lad?

Beetroot Fri 26-Sep-08 10:54:54

where does he go on a Friday night.?

I have a 14 year old who wants independance but he will not be going camping with mates.

I

Beetroot Fri 26-Sep-08 10:55:28

independence

wordgirl Fri 26-Sep-08 10:55:57

My ds is just turned 15 and I don't think I'd be happy with him doing those things TBH.

MoreTeaVicar Fri 26-Sep-08 10:57:55

So wish I could offer advice, but I have DD 13 and am absolutely paranoid, she goes nowhere! Hope you get get some good advice soon.

noddyholder Fri 26-Sep-08 10:59:36

My ds is going to London this weekend with 4 friends to a big skateboard do I am terrified tbh

Charlee Fri 26-Sep-08 10:59:43

The SLipknot concert i would be fine with i was at concerts all the time at 14 but my parents would drop me off and take me, that was the deal.

Download i would say no becuase its a whole weekend by himself with no supervision.

Camping is the same, maybe you could negotiate with this one and let him and his mates camp in your garden?

If he is an all round sensible lad then it might be ok and im sure he wouldn't get in trouble but it really depends on what kind of person he is and what his mates are like.

Jennyusedtobepink Fri 26-Sep-08 11:00:38

I had a pretty free rein as a teenager, and I think that's why I never felt the need to rebel. But I very much doubt I'd have been allowed to go camping without parental supervision at 14, however I would have gone to the concerts etc.

Beetroot Fri 26-Sep-08 11:03:13

Agree happy to drop off and pick up form concerts.

happy for him to go to London for the day.

still want to know where he is...your ds is out on a friday night, doing what and with whom and what time is he expected home

ziopin Fri 26-Sep-08 11:40:16

Friday nights are mostly spend with friends from school down the local park.

I don;t think there up to much tbh

He is sensible and very honest, but he's also becoming quite secretive and is always telling me 'to stop poking my nose in his business!'

It worries me even more when I think about what I got up to at 14! Didnt we all?

Oh why do they have to grow up sad I've got another 2 dk's to follow in his footsteps so maybe I'll be better 2md and 3rd time around! smile

mrsmike Fri 26-Sep-08 12:07:07

ziopin, my ds is same age and wants to do the same things. And spent most of summer hols doing the camping thing, along with many mates - so lots of other parents think it's ok which made me feel a bit better about unwillingly saying ok you can go. It is difficult stopping them - depending on child they might go and do it anyway, just lie about it. I do sympathise. I have feeling of dread as weekend approaches ... smile

Beetroot Fri 26-Sep-08 13:14:44

So why are you so wrroed about Friday nights?

Does he have a time to get home?

nooka Fri 26-Sep-08 13:34:46

How much freedom has he had before? Do you know his friends - are they sensible? Is he likely to do stupid things? Are you in an area where stabbing has happened or is likely to happen (it is generally a gang related thing). My parents had a cottage in the country, and we regularly camped out, first in the garden, then at the bottom of the field, and then pretty much wherever we wanted that my parents knew the local farmers were OK with. So at 14 we wold have been fine with this (actually at 14 we were so over camping grin). Your ds sounds lovely! Will he be 15/16 next summer? I think that he'd have to really prove himself to be able to go to a weekend festival, but next summer is a long way off.

I'm sure you will get used to the Friday nights, especially if he is reliable, but I do remember working with women with older teenagers when I first went back to work after having my children (dd was three months old, ds nineteen months) and agreeing with them that teenagers were more stressful on the keeping awake at night front...

Witchybella Fri 26-Sep-08 14:58:28

My ds is 14 and I had a situation in the summer where he was meant to be stopping at a friends house, I checked like you do. Then it turns out that at the last minute the four boys say they are stopping at mine shock. Only for one of the boys mum to turn up at mine at 8am in the morning to pick her son up shock and I was still in party clothes blush as we had been having a party at our house.

So turns out that the four of them had gone camping, not slept a wink all night and drank a bottle of my vodka angry

When I was telling dear son off the cheeky bugger said "mum how can you say anything you havent even been to bed" hmm

So no if he had asked there is no way that I would have let him go camping, I do let him stop out later at weekends, as a few of his friends are older 16 / 17 as he has grown up with them from being a toddler and have let him go to parties where I pick him up, but I worry all the time.

I had a strict up bringing but I have 3 brothers and my parents treated them totally different and they where allowed to do all those things envy I always had to be in at 8.30 right up to being 17.

lazymumofteenagesons Fri 26-Sep-08 15:39:47

Concerts - ok as long as agrees to be picked up by car.

Camping on their own - don't think so

Download - definitely not

Friday nights hanging around doing nothing in the park is asking for trouble. DS1 now 17 used to do a bit of this and they often had trouble with other gangs of 'youths'.

Witchybella Fri 26-Sep-08 15:46:37

I do think hanging around in the park does also depend on where you live, we live in a small village and there isnt any gangs just all the local children.

lazymumofteenagesons Fri 26-Sep-08 16:05:01

Oh, we're in London!

Witchybella Fri 26-Sep-08 16:11:14

If I lived in London I wouldnt let my ds down the park, in a way we are lucky that we live in the middle of nowhere.

mrsruffallo Fri 26-Sep-08 16:23:57

Festival-definitely
Concert-definitely
Camping- if there was acoupkle of older ones too
London isn't as bad as the media portray it witchybella

Witchybella Fri 26-Sep-08 16:29:55

Oh I know sorry came across wrong meant to put probably in. Wasnt being judgemental and I dont believe what is in the media. Even though we live in the middle of nowhere and the secondary school is fairly small there is a major drug issue with-in our area.

mrsruffallo Fri 26-Sep-08 16:49:59

S'alright Witchy
I just think on the whole we are pretty safe but then my dc aren't teens yet
I am prepared to change my tune

mumeeee Fri 26-Sep-08 21:52:25

The slipknot concer sounds fine to me, But I would not let a 14 year old go camping with mates or to Download.

NotAnOtter Fri 26-Sep-08 21:55:32

my ds recently camped for the first time with friends he was 15 going on 16

i was fine with it tbh but ds is very young for his year so his freinds are generally on the older side

re the concert yes...14 on the young end - dd is 14 next week and NO WAY would i let her - but she is naughty

if he is a good boy i would say yes

findtheriver Sat 27-Sep-08 12:09:27

My 14 yr old ds camped out a few times overnight with his mates over the summer.

One of them lives next to some fields, they got permission from the farmer and lit a fire etc

I think it's great that he wants to be outdoors rather than stuck inside on the wii. I'm not naive, no doubt they had a crafty smoke but fgs rather that at 14 then keep them tied to your apron strings so they go absolutely bonkers at 18 with no idea how to use their independence.

Surely mobile phones make a huge difference? The rule with all my kids is they have to keep their phone charged and switched on and ANSWER it!!!

I think when you compare with when we were youngsters, when you would basically be out all day or evening with no means of getting in contact with home, it's really pretty straightforward these days.

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