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Right this is very long and very sensitive, but just need to get it all down

(27 Posts)

Not sure if I am looking for advice or just for an ear really so please bear with me.

DSD who is 16 in 2 weeks lives with us (has done for 7 years) and she also has a very close relationship with her (maternal) nan who stays with every weekend. (Very sporadic and poor contact with her mum). She is a very social, bright and happy girl. She has (literally) hundreds of friends and is never short of boyfriends. Her current boyfriend is a few years older and lives in London (we're in the north). They have a LDR and speak mostly on her mobile or MSN. She's been with him for 5 months.

At the beginning of the summer holidays she was out every day staying in various friends houses and her nan's house regulary. UNtil a month ago she came home from spending the weekend in her nans and she was like a different person. She was very quiet (completely out of character), hardly any make up on (again it's usually piled on with a trowel), and just went up to her bedroom. She didn't want to go on the computer shock and hardly ate. She was still on the phone to her boyfriend all the time so I knew they hadn't split. She refused to tell us what was wrong, just kept saying she didn't want to talk about it and to leave it.

She wouldn't phone any of her friends or go to their houses, she said her boyfriend was the only one she could trust. Alarm bells starting ringing. She wouldn't go out unless it was with us in the car or to her nans.

I started to maybe get an inkling of what it was, after reading so many stories (and honestly having been through something like that myself). *starts to get sensitive here*

So one morning a few weeks ago I asked her, had she been raped or attacked. She closed her eyes said "Don't just leave it please," So of course I did. I hugged her and told her she could tell me but she wouldn't.

Last week my mum was staying as she confided in my mum. She was drugged, and raped by 2 brothers, one of who was on remand and had done it before. She had lied about were she was staying - told us she was in her nans, told her nan she was at a friend's. And her and her friend had gone clubbing. She went to the police, who took samples (god I ahte thinking about it), and they called in social services because she's underage. They were going to call DH but she begged them not to, and instead they called her nan. She's had to have an AIDS test (all clear thank god) and have two Hep C injections.

All the while she adamant she doesn't want her dad to know. Now my mum told me because basically she can't keep secrets, but DSD doesn't want me to know because she thinks I'll tell her dad. And I can't let her know that I know IYSWIM because she will feel betrayed by my mum.

So what do I do? I want to support her and also let her know she's not alone. I went through something similar at the same age. But also do I tell DH? Honestly it would kill him, he doesn't handle that kind of thing very well and he has problems connecting with DSD now she's a teenager. But on the other hand she obviously needs her dad right now, she's gone through most of it alone. She's had to go to the local sexual diseases clinic to be tested for every STD under the sun and she's gone alone.

God if I had only known I could have gone with her, held her hand. I keep crying and unexpected intervals and DH keeps asking whats wrong. I want to kill those goddam mother fuckers for what they've done. She was a bloody virgin FGS!! sad I don't know what to do, do I let her know I know, do I leave it (don't want to do that) do I tell her dad, wait until she hopefully tells one of us.

It's going to court later this year as he's already on remand so he will get a lengthy sentance, She'll need time off school for that, also she'll obviously need loads of support.

HELP. sad

lilymolly Sat 06-Sep-08 22:43:57

oh cant really offer much help as no experience (thank god)
but if it is going to court etc will everyone not find out anyway?.
Could you get your mum to tell her that you know iyswim?

TabbedBrowser Sat 06-Sep-08 22:45:32

oh you sound lovely
you are so kind.
i thinkyou have to respect herwishes.

tiredlady Sat 06-Sep-08 22:48:12

Oh my god. What a horrific story. That poor girl.

I would let her know that you know, but promise her you won't tell dh (if she doesn't want him to know).

She could do with all the support she can get right now, and I am sure she would be relieved if she could share this with someone

cargirl Sat 06-Sep-08 22:49:22

I think because you already suspected what happened you should get alongside her at some time and say that you were really worried about her behaviour that month ago because it reminded you of what happened when you were young and then tell her your story.

Hopefully she will then open up and tell you and then you'll be able to support her?

If she asks you not to tell DH I think I would promise not to tell him for a long while but at some point in the future you may have to because you're not going to lie? Or offer to tell him and he won't ever mention it to her if that's what she wants?

Your poor dsd sad how awful for her.

ingles2 Sat 06-Sep-08 22:50:16

sadangry
How fuckin dreadful for you all but especially your dsd!
You are going to have to tell your dh, you can't keep something like this under wraps and she needs the love, strength and moral suport of all of you.
I would take your dh away for the day and tell him. Give him a chance to explode before facing his dd, so he offer his unconditional love and support.
Am really so so sorry... sad

QuintessentialShadow Sat 06-Sep-08 22:50:25

Your dds main concern is that you will tell her dad. Dont you think she is aching inside to tell you and be supported by you?

I dont think this is the kind of scenario where normal "rules of conduct" regards to secrets apply. Dont you think on some level your dd used your mum as the messenger, she might have WANTED you to know, and predicted your mum would tell you, whilst also getting the message across that she doesnt want her dad to know.

I think the only way you can support your daugther is by letting her know that you know, and assure her that you will leave it up to HER to tell her dad.

But I dont have a teenager, and I dont have a daughter, so I might be way off the mark.

But if anything happened to one of my children, I would desperatly want to be there for them, and support them. And I think they would want me to.

sad so sad for you and your dd.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 06-Sep-08 22:53:17

I agre with everything Ingles said, this is too big and serious for her to carry alone

ingles2 Sat 06-Sep-08 22:54:42

I think you've got to think about how your dh would feel if and when he discovers this terrible secret.
Surely he would be heartbroken not to be able to support his dd?

foxytocin Sat 06-Sep-08 22:57:36

Could your mum encourage her to confide in you? Since you have gone through something similar, your mum will be able to speak of how she saw you changed by the experience, that you will be empathetic and become one of her strongest allies in the coming months and years.

good luck.

squigglywig Sat 06-Sep-08 23:00:13

At about the same age I had a very similar experience. I couldn't tell my parents either. I begged and begged the police not to. They got in touch with an aunt instead and she helped me tell them. In fact she told them for me because I couldn't say the words. I knew I wanted my parents to know but at the same time I didn't want to say it, or for them to have to hear it because then it would all be real.

Even though it was hard for it to become real it was a process I had to go through, and at least, the way it turned out, I had my Mum to help me.

I think what I'm trying to say is that maybe she is desperate for you to know but equally terrified of what might open up inside her once you do?

solo Sat 06-Sep-08 23:09:22

I'm with Cargirl on this. If she hadn't said that, I would have...

GodzillasBumcheek Sat 06-Sep-08 23:15:56

Agree with cargirl and QS on this. No experience myself but i do agree that it is DSD who should tell her dad, not you, as you wouldn't have known about it were it not for your mum.

If she doesn't know about your experience, then telling her may be just what will help - someone who properly and fully understands.

goodasgold Sat 06-Sep-08 23:16:57

I agree with Ingles. Your girl needs you both to know, so you can get her through this.

She needs you both right now.

Best wishes and good luck and I hope they get what they deserve when it goes to court.

Herecomesthesciencebint Sat 06-Sep-08 23:29:54

How truly awful. That any woman should go through wahat she has done is horrendous but at her fragile age is just unimaginable. So brave of her to cope with the police and the testing alone but how sad to imagine her doing it.

Do you really feel you can keep this from your DH though? Rightly or wrongly you know. And you cannot be expected to lie to him about it.
And a court case will be impossibel to hide. Deep down she knows this.

But you need for it to come out in the open sensitively. Or she wont trust anyone again.

Can you find some quiet time with her and let her know that your mum has told you. That the reason she couldnt keep it to herself is that it is a serious issue and that everyone loves her and need and want to help her through it. That you will need to tell her dad but it can be in time and not immediately.

I agree that you should tell DH, whenever the time comes, in private when he has time to get the shock over without her being around. And you need to make it very clear to him that he ABSOLUTELY has to handle it right and be totally supportive of her. This is where being the adult comes in. She will feel ashamed and appalled that becasue of this attack her dad will have to think of her as someone capable of having sex even if not by her will. He needs to be able to look her fully in the eye and tell her he loves her and she is still his little girl then hold her. If he doesnt she will always feel that the attack has changed her in a negative way.
Please please get some professional advice. Call rape crisis or your local organisations, the police can provide them or your GP.

I wish you all strength in getting through this and most of all love, and another womans prayers to your DSD.

mumblechum Mon 08-Sep-08 12:37:58

How are things? Have you had a chat with your dsd?

I hope she's coping, poor thing.sad

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Mon 08-Sep-08 12:42:33

sad

I think you have to find a way to get her to open up to up and promise while you won't tell her Dad yet, he will have to know at some point. Does she have to go to court? She won't be able to do that without him knowing.

B*t*ds should be strung up. angry

LazyLinePainterJane Mon 08-Sep-08 12:55:57

I would deal with one thing at a time. Talk to her, tell her that you know, support her and deal with what needs to be done. For now, tell her your DH does not need to know. Hope that she will come round once you have her confidence because he WILL have to know.

pofaced Mon 08-Sep-08 12:59:46

What an appalling situation for you all. I think you need to tell her, crassly if necessary, what happened you and then see how it pans out ie "You seem so miserable at the moment that it reminds me of how I felt whn XYZ" She may open up or it may be that you need to intimate that your Mum has told you something horrid happened but don't tell her that your Mum told you all the details

I would NOT tell her dad for a little bit as the last thing the poor girl needs is another angry male (of course it's understandable that he'll be angry but it won't be helpful). Once she has told you and she has become comfortable with you knowing, then he can be told. This isn't being deceitful: it's saying that right now her need to trust people is greater than his need to know.

Have you contacted your local Rape Crisis Centre or spoken to the police sexual assault specialists? Perhaps they will have some advice (& I think it would be especially useful in terms of how her dad might handle it)

My thoughts are with you

psychomum5 Mon 08-Sep-08 13:03:01

OMG, how awful.

is there any way that you can gt your mum to come again, and get your mum to tell your DSD that she will help her tell you, so that way your DSD feels as tho she is the one telling you rather than your approach her saying that you know and her losing trust with your mum.....that sounds garbled but I hope you get what I am trying to say.

your DSD needs to still feel as tho she can trust people, but at the same time she needs to tell you and you need to be able to support her, for both your sakes and especially hers for the coming months regarding court etc.

then, once she has told you, you and your mum and she can find a way of telling her dad in the calmest way possible (there is no calm way for something this vile), so that he doens't go off at the deep end and then scare his daughter so much she retreats further.

Thanks everyone for your advice.I have told her that I know. It probably wasn't the best decision as now she's really upset with my mum. sad But I felt I had to because I just can't bear her going through this alone.

I've hugged her like theres no tomorrow and we've had a little bit of a talk. - Part of it she opened up a bit, turns out she knows him, and I have met him. shock Also there was 5 of them watching. (fucking sick bastards). She got too upset to tell me anymore. Also it's difficult to talk because the kids follow me when I try to go up to her bedroom. I'm not going to tell DH. She already feels like she can't trust anyone because my mum betrayed her trust. So I want her to know she can trust me. I think she will tell him, just in her own time.

My head's spinning with all this.

lilymolly Tue 09-Sep-08 13:00:40

oh fuck sad
I think you made the right decision btw, just so awful for her.
what about organising some councelling for her?
take her out for walk/drink? away from kids to chat in private

nervousal Tue 09-Sep-08 13:08:16

Surely your DP is going to have to know at some point if this does go to court?

I can't imagine what she must be going through - am sending you very unmumnettylike hugs.

luckywinner Tue 09-Sep-08 13:16:26

I really can't offer any words of wisdom, just that I think that she is so lucky to have such a lovely person behind her. I am so angry for you and for her. Do you think she would be open to telling dh if you sat with her and said the words for her? Perhaps if she said yes to that you could take your dh away like someone said before and tell him so he doesn't explode in her face.

Wishing you and her all the luck in the world. It must be an immense pressure for you keeping something like that to yourself sad.

Hassled Tue 09-Sep-08 13:16:56

Poor her, and poor you. Counselling suggestion is a very good one - but she may not be ready for it yet. Agree that she will tell her Dad when she's ready. What a nightmare.

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