My dd's had first week back at school and come home crying, she wants a best friend - bit long

[mrswotzisnotin]

Poor dd1 has started year 8. Had a tough time in year 7 with groups and cliques, but got through.

Her best friend (her cat) died 2 weeks ago in the holidays. We were all crying as it was so poorly and did not come back from the vets. She has come home so sad and says her only best friend is dead and she has no best friends at school. she got wet walking home, ALL the people in her class were going home with other people and she walked on her own. Even her umbrella broke. She has only just turned 12.

A girl at school got a new cat and was showing pics of it to everyone. Dd said her cat had died. She nicknamed it Fatty (it was large and cuddly), and someone said "Oh just get another one and feed it till its overweight", and walked off......(told to me through broken sobs).........It died because it got ill and was so thin it was hardly eating a teaspoon of food at the end.

Why is school so hard for my little treasure?

[mrswotzisnotin]

I am sure not ALL the people were walking home with others, but to her that's how it was!

[MaureenMLove]

Aw, bless her. She sounds like a real sweetie. Did she make any friends in yr7?

[mrswotzisnotin]

She did make new friends and she made a huge effort to invite 4 new friends for her Birthday in July, they all came and they had a great time. But she is the one who calls them to make arrangements in the holidays. She wants a Best Friend, she would make someone a loyal friend who they could trust.

[mrswotzisnotin]

She has fallen out with some.

I want her to be happy, it's so hard being a parent with all the simple, basic things.

[mrswotzisnotin]

I am just off loading now

[undercovercat]

Awww, time for a new cat?
She needs to keep calling those friends.

[mrswotzisnotin]

We had two cats, now we have one, its lonely too! Missing the other one......
I need wine.

Yes I will encourage her to call them. I am looking at some outside clubs this term too. Drama, is first on my list.

[MaureenMLove]

I understand totally, my dd is just in yr 8 too. Luckily for her though, her best friend from primary went to the same school and they're in the same class this year.

An ex-mindee of my mine, who is in yr 10 now, was telling me the other day, that she didn't forge real friendships until Yr 8 & 9. She even went as far as to say, that none of the people she was friendly with in Yr7 are best buddies anymore. She's a very wise 15 year old and totally ordinary, so I put a lot of faith in what she says.

I think all you can do, is comfort her and re-assure her that she will make friends and get her to keep talking to the girls that came in the summer. They are still very young and fickle! Sometimes dd come shome moaning about a girl, only to be giggling with her on MSN an hour later!

Does she do after school things and does she go out at the weekends with friends?

[mrswotzisnotin]

Thanks Maureen

I'll tell her to keep her chin and she has some mates outside of school who she sees every now and again. I have also to ld her everything is not always as rosy as it appears in some friendship and to be herself and not to blame herself.

I have just altered an after school club to a day with some boys from her old junior school who were in her class, she still plays with them outside of school time as we know their parents and we all meet up. She is looking forward to that now.

[MaureenMLove]

Good. It is very, very hard for mother and daughter. You want them to remember school for the social side of things, as much as anything. It is truely heart breaking when you feel so helpless, especially since at secondary, you don't really know the set up.

I think you have to remember (and I'm guilty of this too!) its not really as bad as they say it is. She has just had a rough old day. She got wet on the way home and her cat has just died (bless her) Imagine all those damn hormones screaming in her head. Being 12 isn't a bundle of laughs and I think we forget that. They appear to be all grown up most of the time, but they are still young children. I'm sure she'll be fine and this time next year, you'll be wondering why you worried!

Always around on the boards, to sound off/discuss/cry when needed! Just call!

[mrswotzisnotin]

thanks Maureen

She's much happier now she has been feed and watered. She already started her periods over 8 months ago, so very up and down.

Hope to get her out this weekend to the cinema with me.

dd2 has been playing with her and they have been having some fun together.

[2shoes]

aww she sound so nice.
I do think yr's 7 and 8 can be hard for them freind wise. ds had a hard time, but by about yr 9 things got loads better.
hope things get better for your dd soon.

[mrswotzisnotin]

thanks 2shoes
Glad to hear your ds is settled more now.

[Dozymare]

Ah bless her, she sounds like a lovely girl. How about encouraging her to have a friend (one of the she had for her party) over for a sleepover? Or, if you can face it, more than 1??? Often close friendships are forged outside of school hours..

Drama is also a very good choice for an out of school club..........

[crkm]

i can sympathise. my dd had terrible trouble in years 8 and 9 for the same reasons. she just wanted a best friend. her supposed best friend was put in a different class (as they had been to different middle schools) and she had to put up with her going off with other girls and having no time for her. was painful to watch. she dreaded school and was desperate for a close friend of her own. didnt help that she was bullied by certain members of her class. things got easier in year 10 when she started her gcse courses - as she was with different girls from other classes and made new friends. in year 11 now with a group of good friends. it does get easier - i know that year 10 is a long way off for your dd - but hang in there!!

my dd was also helped by joining groups out of school where she made friends with kids who had similar interests - so her friends are from outside school too. (she is in st johns cadets and loves it!!)

[ethanchristopher]

im not being horrible but what is she like?

does she wear make-up and straighten her hair or anything?, does she wear like "fashionable" uniform?

in my opinion i think that kids who are the stereotypical "geeky" kids always find it hardest to fit in at secondary school

i was pretty much in same situation (part from cat) then in year 8 i was like fuck this and started to just become more of a normal teenager and fitted in well.

im not saying she needs to do this, she needs to target the right friends for her though, my advice to you would be to mix with some of the mums of people in her year so she can interact with their dc

good luck, and i rei do feel for your dd!!

[ethanchristopher]

sorry, i dont mean geeky - i mean like, nice and innocent kids

rather than the loud mouthed, "popular crew" type

i think i may have sounded horrible in that last post, but if you get what im saying im really not being horrible!

[herladyship]

was wondering if your first post was meant to be a joke ethanchristopher??

do 12 year old girls need to straighten their hair and wear make up to have friends??

[mrswotzisnotin]

I have added dd1's pic, she is fairly average as far as I know in her appearance.

I know the cliques exist as do the cliques sterotypes, but she is neither one or the other.

[christywhisty]

From what I can gather year 7 is really difficult for friendships. My DS had problems with 2 other boys that were at his primary in year 7. He ws so hurt by it all that he decided he didn't want any friends. It took until the summer term of Yr 7 to relax and start to make friends again, a bit too late for summer holiday get togethers.
I was very worried about him, but so many people told me that it often took until Year 8 or even year 9 for real friendship to form.
It doesn't help with my DS in the fact he grew up very rapidly in Year 7 and naturally gravitates towards 14/15 year olds,not in a nuisance way, just they are more on his wavelength.
It is hard as a parent to see your child unhappy, but hopefully your dd will find new friends soon.
Does the school have many lunchtime/afterschool clubs she can join?

[mrswotzisnotin]

christywhisty my dd's friendship forming was the same process as for your ds in year 7 and like him she ist very tall for her age (looks more like 14-15), and she has said before feels at odds with al the petite girls in her class (dd must be one of the tallest and the youngest), makes her emotional uncertainty worse by her awkwardness at being so tall.

No she doesn't wear make up she is far too gorgeous (it musty be the genes)

[mrswotzisnotin]

thanks for all your lovely replies I feel much better and she has already said there is a club after school she wants to do.

She also is in the cross country team at school, so that will start again soon.

[Ewe]

My DSis had exactly the same problems and she did as ethanchristopher said and in the summer holidays between yr7 and 8 she transformed herself from a nice innocent kid to typical teenager, make-up, hair extensions etc etc.

I am sad in some ways to say it worked, she is now very popular. However, it came at a price as she changed quite a few things about herself, passion for animals, especially horses being one. She is much much happier though!

[christywhisty]

We have the same problem, Surprise. We are 5 miles from the school and the only local boys are the ones from primary.
School have been excellent, they realised something was wrong because he was so quiet in form. He has been made a lower school House Captain this year and it was put in his report that it would "raise his profile in lower school"
It's his birthday next week and I am going to arrange paintballing for him