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Dd1 has just punched dd2 on the nose - help, please!

(15 Posts)
someoneelsenow Thu 28-Aug-08 20:09:07

I don't think it's broken, but it is swollen.

Dd1 (almost 16) has been violent and jealous towards dd2 (12) virtually since birth.

Dd2 does wind her up, but she's been told to tell us rather than retaliate.

We've withdrawn privileges every time it happens, and last time it was nasty I said I would report her to the police.

I'm so furious with her and emotionally torn...does anyone know what would happen if I did get the police involved?

I think it's hormone-related - she was very angry with herself yesterday.

I've already told her her birthday party is cancelled...I'm just so depressed about it.

dh is in work but on his way back.

mumonthenet Thu 28-Aug-08 21:11:23

bumping this for you cos I know someone will have some useful advice.

Is there a family liaison office at the police who you could call for advice before you go the whole hog and make a formal complaint?

I think you need to do something...just difficult to know what.

LynetteScavo Thu 28-Aug-08 21:15:44

I personlly don't think involving the police is the answer

You have cancelled her 16th birthday party, fair enough. She'll never forget that!

I think this is something you all need to sit down and discuss as a family.

juuule Thu 28-Aug-08 21:44:14

I agree with Lynette.

I wouldn't involve the police at this point.
Both your dd need this discussed honestly with them.
What would help your 16yo calm down and a word of warning to your 12yo not to wind her sister up.
Really difficult for you deal with, I know, as you want you dds to get along.
Are they okay at other times or are they constantly needing to keep out of the others way?

MUMBLEB Thu 28-Aug-08 23:01:40

ive been exactly where you are right now it is really hard to know what to do. your immediate reactions are a mixture of anger, guilt, confusion, hurt etc...
like everything in life this is just a lesson a test. when you get through it and you will just as you did those sleepless nights and other struggles us parents go through and think theyl never end or that we'll never survive them.
as hard as it may seem right now your calmness and patience will be your greatest strength.terrible 2's does return and comes back as terrible teens for many of us. i had to make a choice when my son chose to continue with his agressive behaviour and refuse councelling or any help of that kind and for the safety of my other kids and for his own good he had to leave, by doing this he has now had the time and space to realize his wrongs and is now on the mend and a pleasure to be around we have never been so close as we are not advising you to be as drastic simply space and time can work wonders. all the best xx

someoneelsenow Fri 29-Aug-08 08:23:02

Thanks...we did spend yesterday evening talking.

Dd1 simply doesn't accept the severity of what she's done - she thinks I'm over-reacting and tells me all siblings are like this.

Up to a point she's right, but this wasn't just a harmless slap, it caused actual injury.

I've spoken sharply to dd2 as well (now the swelling on her nose has gone down a bit) and told them the behaviour won't be tolerated.

And I've given dd1 the choice of counselling or having her party cancelled - probably not a great tactic as she's now accusing me of blackmail. She thinks it's all rather funny.

I'd also like to take her to the GP to see if the doctor could suggest any solutions to her PMT (which it is, explains why she was so furious with herself the night before)...but she's refusing to go.

MumbleM - it's so comforting to know we're not alone, and many thanks for your words...I hope we don't need to be as drastic as that - she's mostly a well-behaved and fun kid...and the two of them are much less aggressive with each other than they used to be.

MUMBLEB Sat 30-Aug-08 00:20:50

im so glad that i could be of some help and comfort to you at this i said before calmness and patience is the key, when all around us is madness and confusion.Teenagers are no diff and need balance and security like young children do(in fact like we do).
im a single parent to 5 ive had quite alot to learn and im still learning 17yrs on!as well as them changing constantly ive cont to grow too, maybe if you take the ephasis off ds going therapy alone and aknowledge these problems are effecting the whole family. And that you are all willing to sort this out TOGETHER this could be the 1st step of reaching out to her in a voice she hopefully will hear & feel & understand this cant go on as it is.DONT GIVE UP XXX

nappyaddict Sat 30-Aug-08 01:51:14

please get her to go to anger management. i wish i had been made to go when i was younger.

mumonthenet Sat 30-Aug-08 12:31:30

it's not blackmail someone, it's giving her a choice. Mine always try the blackmail accusation on me too!

I think there needs to be a consequence of what she did. This cannot happen again for all your sakes.

And once she's 18, the consequence of punching somebody on the nose could be a night in it's better she sorts out her pmt now!

someoneelsenow Sat 30-Aug-08 18:11:09

Thanks, you've all been such a support.

She's calmed down now and is thinking about the counselling - she doesn't like the idea of it, but I've explained I worry about the anger she directs against herself...and next year she'll be behind the wheel of a car which is very worrying.

She accepts that there needs to be a consequence, and she was wrong...and has agreed to come to yoga classes with me, take 'B' vitamins and try giving up wheat - these are all things which tamed my PMT, with the yoga being the most effective.

What she could do with is a grandmother figure whom she could talk to when she's feeling the world is against her - but both are dead...I explained that counselling would be a substitute for that - someone outside the immediate family who will listen and help her through teenage pressures.

nappyaddict Sat 30-Aug-08 18:12:29

does she have any aunties or older cousins she could talk things through with?

juuule Sat 30-Aug-08 18:12:46

Good to hear you've come to some agreement

MUMBLEB Sun 31-Aug-08 00:41:20

good news while things are a little calm now its the perfect time to start making these plans for a brighter future.what a good idea about the yoga even a nice walk in the park could work wonders a chance to talk or simply relax and enjoy one anothers company. im sure she knows how much you love her and are ready to work this through together.i hope all turns out well for you all in the future im sure it will all the best xx

someoneelsenow Sun 31-Aug-08 12:26:36

Hi nappyaddict - yes, she has an older cousin who would be a good person for her to talk to.

Starmummy Tue 02-Sep-08 15:59:22

Hmm my best friend has two Dc just like this. and the younger is very manipulative and has been for years. In reception (now year 8) is was obvious then and has continued to be so ever since. When the light went on for my friend both got punished exactly the same, it certainly helped to tame both of them. Not pleasant but it certainly cut down on the amount of anger from the older one and manipulation and provocation from the younger. Its not all sweetness and light but the whole family have moved on from the stage of cancelling school trips, parties etc. Because the thing is cancelling the party will be a bug bear in 20 or 30 yearsa time (being 16 and all) but who will ever remember the reason it was cancelled (ok so we will remember the broken nose but why did she do it?)

Good luck I dont envy you.

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