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First boyfriends- when to have "that talk" IYKWIM!

(16 Posts)
smartiejake Mon 21-Jul-08 22:04:07

My DD is 12 and has struck up a friendship with this boy in her class. He is a very sweet boy and actually seems quite "young" IYKWIM. He's been round (they played on the trampoline and in the garden and on the computer) and have been to the park. It all seems very very innocent to me.

My DH asked me tonight if I thought we needed to have a discussion with her about relationships/ sex etc. I said I didn't really think she needed that yet.

She has done sex ed at school including relationships and contraception and we have obviously chatted about growing up etc.

At what age have you lot had a serious talk about these things with pre teen and teen girls.

smartiejake Mon 21-Jul-08 22:11:55

Good Lord! That dropped off active convos quickly- is there nothing good on telly?

smartiejake Mon 21-Jul-08 22:16:33


wohmum Mon 21-Jul-08 22:25:51

I've not got a 12yr old but I'd hope that 12 is too young to have 'that talk' - sounds all a bit innocent and lovely , keep it that way!

smartiejake Mon 21-Jul-08 22:30:25

That's what I thought.

She is very nonchalant about the whole thing and he is very sweet. TBH I think she likes to say she has a boyfriend like some of the other girls she knows.

She's not very well developed and doesn't seem at all interested in the kissy, hand holding bit at all!

smartiejake Mon 21-Jul-08 22:41:36

Anyone else?

smartiejake Mon 21-Jul-08 23:04:45


MrsSylar Mon 21-Jul-08 23:09:55

Well, all the research shows that the earlier children have age appropriate sex education, the less more likely they are to delay their first sexual experience.
That's got to be a good thing, however, I too would feel that 12 is awfully young.
I don't think I would like my dd to have a "boyfriend" at the age of 12 either! If they are not snogging or holding hands, aren't they just good friends?

MrsSylar Mon 21-Jul-08 23:10:36

I mean the MORE likely they are...

smartiejake Mon 21-Jul-08 23:14:13

As I said it's very innocent- not really my idea of a boyfriend. I think my DH is over reacting.

As you say, more a good friend than a boyfriend but that's what she call him.

specialmagiclady Mon 21-Jul-08 23:16:36

I think young kids are very uninhibited; if they were snogging I reckon you'd generally know it - there would be Hand Holding etc.

But if you get a chance you could gently pry re kissing etc.

IME, if you address it when irrelevant then she'll just switch off and ignore.

essjayo Tue 22-Jul-08 10:28:37

My thoughts would be that you keep talking to her in general about things as they crop up . ie after sex education at school, or after an issue is highlighted on the TV but don't do the "special chat" about this particular situation because that could ruin what is a genuinely innocent friendship. I know some girls of 12 might be interested in more but I'm not sure that boys of that age are .. my ds is 13 and he can't cope with the needy 13 yr old girls texting him all the time He hangs around in a mixed crowd but girlfriend seems to be a term used to get street cred rather than a relationship thing.

ethanchristopher Tue 02-Sep-08 22:52:34

too young

wait til she is a "teenager" this relationship sounds like 2 children rather than 2 hormonal teens so preserve her innocence for a bit longer

also (and i know im not the best example as a teen mum) kids dont really NEED to have that talk. credit them with some intellegence

its far better to have an: "if you drink you lose control and may end up having sex or doing things you dont want"

or have that talk when you think "this relationship has gone on for a long time - maybe its time we have a discussion about when you are ready"

cory Thu 04-Sep-08 14:23:51

I have started dropping snippets of information into conversation with my 11yo as the occasion arises (say, an article in the paper or a book we're discussing), simply so I won't have to start the Talk in direct relation to her first innocent hand-helding relationship and risk putting that in a context she might not feel comfortable with.

I think sometimes parents forget that most children take time to move from the first fairly non-physical "he is my boyfriend" claims over hand-holding and kissing and finally into full adult sex. They need to feel that a slow progression is a totally normal and acceptable way of behaviour and that you don't jump to conclusions the first time they tell you that such-and-such is my boyfriend.

I don't want to preserve her innocence in the sense of keeping her in ignorance- I don't think the two are the same thing. I think it is reasonable to learn about things long before you are ready to start practising them and I certainly want her to feel that it is ok to say 'I know about this but I'm too young'. I think a lot of the kids who start too early do it because they are desperate to prove that they are not ignorant.

Btw dd did tell me recently that some of her friends are now pairing off as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" but that this is not about touching, but more a social/status thing. I remember exactly the same thing from when I was the same age.

KVC Thu 04-Sep-08 17:55:33

Message withdrawn

ethanchristopher Fri 05-Sep-08 13:43:27

kids are smarter than you think anyway, they pick up stuff from friends, older friends, sex education, tv, adults talking

and genreally will make up there own mind whatever facts you give them

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